Skids (Screenplay) Part 4

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Following the exploits of a group of friends who live small lives and have even smaller ambitions, "Skids" is a window into their lives as they carry on into their early twenties, while still living very much like teenagers. Will any of them escape this downward spiral into mediocrity? And more importantly, do any of them want to? When drinking, partying and acting like a bunch of fools are your chief concerns in life is there really any reason to change? - available on Amazon - 14 parts in total

INT. BEER STORE (IMPORT SECTION) - DAY

 

Tregunna looks over the beers like a kid in a candy shop.

 

TREGUNNA (EXCITED)

Ew, look at this one!  A dark ale from

Belgium!  Just imagine what my farts will

smell like!

 

SMYTH (IMPATIENT)

Will you just pick something!

 

TREGUNNA

I think I'll get some singles and we can do

a taste testing.

 

SMYTH

Oh, man.  Not another pass the bottle  

evening.

 

TREGUNNA

Ew, this one's got a floating widget!  It  

gives you more head.

 

SMYTH

I got Nancy for that.  Hurry up!

 

Tregunna leans over, cocks his ass, and lets out a slow fart squealing loud enough for others in the store to take notice.

 

SMYTH (DISGUSTED) (CONT'D)

Ugh..you pig!  Fuck this!  I'm going for a

smoke.  I'll meet you at the check out.

 

As Tregunna keeps looking, he catches a whiff of his own gas.

 

TREGUNNA (TURNING AWAY)

Eww...

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREVOR'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

 

Roger dresses for going outside.  He sees Eddie sitting on the open pizza box pulling a mushroom off a slice of pizza.  Roger removes the elastic band that is still

 

attached to his leg.  He heads back outside to do some more shoveling.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BEER STORE (CHECKOUT) - DAY

 

Tregunna's arms are full of different cans and bottles.  Smyth carries a case.  They wait in line behind a homeless person who counts out his change trying to buy a single King Can.

 

SMYTH

Man.  This is gonna take forever.

 

TREGUNNA (SMILES)

Remind you of anybody?

 

SMYTH

Huh?

 

TREGUNNA (SMILES)

Kinda looks like Bugsy.

 

SMYTH (LAUGHS)

Oh yeah.

 

TREGUNNA (EXCITED)

Oh, I gotta tell you about this dream I

had last night!

 

SMYTH

Oh, not another one of your dreams.

 

TREGUNNA

No.  It's cool.  Listen.

 

SMYTH

Alright.

 

TREGUNNA (GIGGLING)

So I'm taking a shower, eh.

 

SMYTH

I don't like where this is going.

 

TREGUNNA (SMILING)

Listen...I'm taking a shower...and I get

out...wrap the towel around my waste...

so I come out of the bathroom...I'm

going downstairs...and one of my

mother's friends is sitting on the couch.

 

SMYTH (DISGUSTED)

Oh, man.

 

TREGUNNA

And this lady...she's gotta be like at least  

60...maybe 65...

 

SMYTH

Oh, c'mon.  Hurry up line!

 

TREGUNNA

So she says, "Oh, hello Christopher...I

haven't seen you in a while...why don't

you come sit with me?"

 

Smyth just shakes his head, clearly not wanting to hear this.

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHS) (CONT'D)

So we're sitting there...and this old

cougar...

 

SMYTH (INTERRUPTING)

Cougar?  Coyote is more like it...or saber-

toothed tiger.

 

TREGUNNA

So I'm sitting there naked...nothing but a

towel on...and we're watching TV....and  

she starts sliding her hand under the

towel...

 

The homeless man finishes and they move up to the counter.

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHING)

And this old broad starts jerking me

off...just going mad...

 

Tregunna imitates the motion fiercely stroking the air until he looks up to see that the cashier is staring at him.  He stops.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. BUGSY'S BEDROOM - DAY

 

Bugsy lies on his bed with his headset on watching CNN.  Nancy Grace comes on and he sits up slightly taking notice.  He starts getting aroused and starts sliding his hand down his pants.  Suddenly the door flies open to reveal his tiny old mother cursing him out in German.  She waves her fist at him and tries to speak english.

 

BUGSY'S MOTHER (ANGRY)

You go get job!  You no touch yourself!

 

BUGSY

Ah, get out!

 

BUGSY'S MOTHER

You no touch yourself! You get job!

 

BUGSY (GETTING ANNOYED)

Get the fuck out, man!

 

BUGSY'S MOTHER

You no touch yourself!  You keep wiener

in pants!  You go get job!

 

BUGSY

Get out, bitch!

 

Bugsy's mother leaves cursing all the way up the stairs.

 

BUGSY'S MOTHER

You no touch yourself!  You go get job!

 

BUGSY (YELLING)

Go back to the Deutschland, Hitler!

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. DEAD END STREET - DAY

 

Tregunna and Smyth are walking towards the end of a dead end street.  Smyth carries the case and talks

into his phone.

 

PIZZA GUY (THROUGH PHONE)

Ok, and where do you want it to go?

 

SMYTH (TO TREGUNNA)

What's the name of this street?

 

TREGUNNA

Montrave.

 

Smyth sees that the house they are passing is number 332.

 

SMYTH (INTO TELEPHONE)

Montrave...and make it quick.

 

He hangs up before Steve the pizza guy can continue.

 

TREGUNNA

Are you really gonna get that guy fired?

 

SMYTH

Oh yeah!

 

TREGUNNA

You really are an asshole.

SMYTH

I'm an asshole?  What about you? 

Makin' me carry the case.

 

TREGUNNA (SMILING)

Hey, I'm the little guy!

 

SMYTH

I don't even drink beer!

 

Tregunna laughs.

 

SMYTH (SHAKING HIS HEAD)

Asshole.  Where the hell are you taking

me anyway?

 

TREGUNNA

A short cut.

 

SMYTH (SARCASTICALLY)

Great.

 

TREGUNNA

Trust me.

 

SMYTH

So what the hell's up with Roger?

 

TREGUNNA

I don't know.  The Crazy Man's been

acting weird lately.  Maybe it's that

house.

 

SMYTH

Yeah.  Living with Trevor would depress

me too.

 

Tregunna notices a "NO DUMPING" sign at the end of the street.

 

TREGUNNA

Speaking of Rocky.  Can you take pictures

with your phone?

 

SMYTH

Yeah, why?

 

TREGUNNA (SMILES)

I got an idea.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. OFFICE TREVOR'S WORK - DAY

 

Trevor is hung over, head in hand and a phone to his ear.

 

TREVOR (QUIETLY INTO PHONE)

Hi, Joan.  I was just calling to see how

you were doing...umm...give me a call

if...

 

FEMALE COWORKER

Um, Trevor?

 

Trevor turns around quickly and hangs up the phone.

 

FEMALE COWORKER (CONT'D)

Are you having any trouble logging

onto...

 

She loses her train of thought when she looks at him and sees the faint outline of the penis drawing on his forehead.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

 

Tregunna is laughing his ass off.

 

SMYTH (SHAKING HIS HEAD)

I can't believe you just did that.

 

TREGUNNA

Hey look!

 

Tregunna points to a flyer distribution paper box advertising "JOB OPPORTUNITIES".

 

TREGUNNA (EXCITED) (CONT'D)

We should get one for Bugsy?

 

SMYTH

It says, "FREE, PLEASE TAKE ONE."

 

Tregunna gets another devilish grin on his face.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

 

Morden is jogging, leaping over the snow piles, when something catches his eye.  He looks closer to see Smyth and Tregunna running down the street like madmen, laughing and giggling, carrying the paper box between them, the beer case sitting on top, and flyers spilling out all over the place.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. TREVOR'S DRIVEWAY - LATE AFTERNOON

 

Roger wipes his runny nose, finally finished his shoveling.  He turns to admire his hard work.  As he looks at the empty driveway it starts to snow again.  He sighs.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. TREGUNNA'S DRIVEWAY - LATE AFTERNOON

 

Tregunna and Smyth struggle through the snowy driveway carrying the paper box, slowing as they approach the house.  They hear loud heavy metal music coming from inside.

 

TREGUNNA (CONFUSED)

That can't be Granny.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

 

Tregunna and Smyth enter to find Bugsy sitting on the couch.

 

TREGUNNA (SURPRISED)

Bugsy!  What're you doing here?

 

BUGSY

Oh, man I had to get away from that

fuckin bitch, man.

 

TREGUNNA

How long have you been here?

 

BUGSY

A couple hours.

 

TREGUNNA (SURPRISED)

Oh?

 

BUGSY

Yeah, yer mom let me in.  She told me to

tell you...

(struggles to think)

Umm...she got you some groceries.

 

Tregunna leaves Smyth to drag the paper box in by himself.

 

BUGSY (CONT'D)

Hey man, what's that?

 

SMYTH

It said "PLEASE TAKE ONE"...so we took

one.

 

Tregunna finds a large bag on the table from a dollar store with a note reading, "Christopher, I got you some groceries.  See you Sunday.  Take care of the house."  Tregunna opens the bag to find a dozen packages of Mr. Noodles instant soup.

 

SMYTH (LAUGHING) (CONT'D)

Ha!  Ha!  Nice of Granny to spend a

whole three dollars on you!

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. JAMIE'S FRONT YARD - DUSK

 

Roger stands on the sidewalk outside Jamie's adjoined house.  The lights are on and the blinds are wide open making it easy for Roger to see everything going on.  Jamie, 6'7" tall and 300 plus lbs. is getting yelled at and belittled by his wife Sherry who is barely five feet tall, but five feet of mean.  The children run wild around them.  It is a house of chaos.  Roger watches and doesn't want to go up to the door.  Instead he whips a snowball at the window to get his attention.  Jamie looks over and nods.  They have one last bout and he comes bursting through the door, storming across the snow-covered grass kicking over the children's toys.  He has a gym bag over one shoulder and jacket half hanging off the other, more afraid of his wife than the cold.

 

JAMIE (VERY FRUSTRATED)

Get me the hell out of here!

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. TREGUNNA'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

 

Tregunna drags the paper box directly in front of the TV.

 

BUGSY (GIGGLING)

Hey, that's cool, man.

 

TREGUNNA

We got something for ya, Bugs.

 

He takes a flyer out and hands it to Bugsy.

 

BUGSY

Hey, that's cool, man, cause I like gotta

get a job, eh.

 

Smyth returns to the room carrying an old 14" black and white TV with rabbit ears.

 

SMYTH (TO BUGSY)

Yeah, you told us last night.

 

BUGSY

Oh yeah?  Cool.

 

Smyth drops the TV on the paper box and starts hooking it up.

 

SMYTH

Man, coming to this house is like

travelling back in time.

(gives up)

This old piece of shit won't hook up to

cable.

 

TREGUNNA

Just connect the rabbit ears.  Maybe we  

can get a signal.

 

SMYTH (SHAKING HIS HEAD)

Everything in this place is thirty years  

old...floor model TV...shag carpeting...

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHS)

...the old man's ass groove in the couch...

oh, by the way, Bugs...you might not

wanna sit there...

 

Bugsy looks up from the Job Opportunities flyer with a confused look on his face.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

Every night the old man comes home

from work...heads straight to the bed

room...strips down to his bare ass...goes

into the bathroom...takes a towel...

…wraps it around his waist...

(points at Bugsy)

...and sits right there...and watches TV

for about six or seven hours bare-assed

on the couch...

 

SMYTH (LAUGHING)

Can't you fuckin' feel it, man?  He weighs

like 400 pounds.

 

Bugsy reaches down to feel the cushion. He lifts his hand and turns it over to see a little curly hair stuck to his palm.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - NIGHT

 

Roger and Jamie walk through the parking lot towards the mall entrance.  Jamie walks awkwardly, stumbling toward Roger as he talks and bouncing off him once in a while.

 

JAMIE

I tell you, Roger.  You don't know how

good you have it.  Stay single, man.  You

don't know how much I wanna…just put

a gun... in my mouth and blow my fuckin'

brains out.  I can't even get my shoes off

before she starts into me.

(imitating her)

"You fucking pig!  You're getting snow all

over my carpet!"  But she lets her fucking

kids run all over the place and spill their

food all over the rug and doesn't give

them shit for it.

 

As they walk toward the rotating door, Roger notices an elderly woman approaching it from the other side.  He looks at Jamie and can tell that he doesn't notice her.  He pauses for a second thinking of stopping him but then decides to watch it play out.

 

JAMIE (CONT'D)

I tell you, man.  Don't ever get fucking

married.

 

Jamie pushes his side of the revolving door with the force of a linebacker just as the woman enters from the other side.  It slams into her pinning her between the door and the entrance way.  Jamie is genuinely shocked and horrified.

JAMIE (TO ELDERLY WOMAN)

Oh, I'm sorry, Ma'am.  I didn't see you

there.  Can I help?

 

He helps her get her wits back though she is taken aback by his large size.  Roger smiles slightly, but then stops himself realizing that he could've prevented it, and wonders what that says about him that he didn't.

 

CUT TO:


Submitted: November 11, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Kevin McMaster. All rights reserved.

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