Skids (Screenplay) Part 6

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Following the exploits of a group of friends who live small lives and have even smaller ambitions, "Skids" is a window into their lives as they carry on into their early twenties, while still living very much like teenagers. Will any of them escape this downward spiral into mediocrity? And more importantly, do any of them want to? When drinking, partying and acting like a bunch of fools are your chief concerns in life is there really any reason to change? - available on Amazon - 14 parts in total

INT. TREGUNNA'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

 

Tregunna sits at the head of the table with Roger across from him as his partner.  Rick sits across from Smyth who's face is sour from having just drank from Tregunna's beer can.

 

SMYTH

Ugh, that's disgusting.  That's it.  No

more goofy beers for me.

 

Smyth goes to the kitchen.  Roger takes a swig from the can.

 

ROGER

Eh, it's beer.

 

He takes another swig and passes it to Rick.  Rick takes a drink and doesn't like it either.  Tregunna and Roger laugh at the disgusted face he makes after drinking it.

 

TREGUNNA

Hurry up, Smith.  We're waiting on you.

 

Smyth comes back carrying a rum and coke.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

The Crazy Man turned down a Heart.  It's

your turn to make it.

 

Smyth looks down at his cards and sees a Four of Diamonds that has been crossed out with the words, "TEN OF FUCKING CLUBS" written overtop of it in thick black ink.

 

SMYTH (TO TREGUNNA)

Man, you don't even have a real deck of

cards!  I'll pass.

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHS)

I'll make it Diamonds.

 

SMYTH

Diamonds?  Fuck!  Who makes it

Diamonds when his partner turns down a

Heart?

 

Tregunna laughs and plays the left and right bower.  Roger responds by dropping all of his cards.  He has four Diamonds.

 

TREGUNNA (SMILES)

That's two points.

 

SMYTH (TO TREGUNNA)

You fucking cheater!

 

TREGUNNA

What...I just took a chance...

(points to Roger)

He turned down a Heart...

 

TREGUNNA (CONT’D)

…you got the Ten Of Fucking Clubs...and

Rick's got the Queen of Spades.

 

Rick looks at his Queen of Spades and pulls it out to see that there is a big tear from wear on one of the corners.

 

SMYTH

Holy fuck!  Get another deck to play

with!

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHS)

I don't have another deck!

 

SMYTH

You don't have another deck?

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHING)

No way, man.  This is it.

 

SMYTH

Fuck this then.  I'm going to look at some

titties with Bugsy.

 

Smyth goes into the living room.

 

RICK

Ain’t much we can play just the three of

us.

 

ROGER (SHRUGS)

I can go get Trevor.

 

  TREGUNNA (SMILING)

Well...I guess I can go get the Towel

Man's deck.

 

In the living room Smyth lights up a cigarette and throws the pack on the table.  Tregunna enters and notices he's smoking.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

Hey!  Get out of here with that!

 

SMYTH

Alright, hold on.  Just let me take a piss

first.

 

TREGUNNA

No.  Fuck off.  Smoke it outside.

 

Roger enters and passes through, stealing the bathroom.

 

ROGER

Too late.

 

  SMYTH (TO TREGUNNA)

I'm pissing off the porch then.

 

TREGUNNA

Whatever, just get out of here.

 

Smyth goes out onto the porch and looks back to see Tregunna waving a pillow in the air to get the smell of the smoke out.

 

TREGUNNA (TO SMYTH)

The fuckin' parents are gonna smell this,

you idiot!

 

SMYTH (YELLING FROM O.S.)

Maybe this'll cover the smell!

 

Tregunna looks through the window to see Smyth urinating all over the porch like a dog marking his territory.  He dances around wee-hooing and laughing.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

 

Roger is a little drunk as he urinates in the toilet.  He washes up and goes to dry his hands on a towel that hangs on the back of the door.  But he notices something on the towel.  He takes an empty toilet paper roll from the waste bin and uses it to push the towel open for a better look.  There is a huge skid mark on the towel.  It's the Towel Man's towel.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

 

Tregunna, Smyth and Rick wait for Roger to return.  They watch Bugsy sitting anxiously on the edge of his seat.

 

SMYTH

Hey, check out Bugsy.  I think he's about

to blow his load.

 

TREGUNNA

Look at him.  There's no confusion where

he got the nickname from.

 

RICK

Hey, how come I don't have a nickname? 

There's Bugs.  You call Trevor "Rocky". 

Roger's the Crazy Man.  You even call

Smyth "Smith".  Everyone's got a

nickname but me.

 

SMYTH (TO RICK)

You want a nickname?

 

RICK

Yeah.

 

SMYTH

Ok, you can be "Smelly".

 

Tregunna laughs.

 

RICK (SARCASTICALLY)

Hah.  Hah.  No...a real nickname.

 

SMYTH

"Smelly" is a real nickname.  What could

be more fitting?  You smell like shit.

 

RICK

Oh, come on.

 

SMYTH

When was the last time you had a

shower?

 

Rick doesn't answer.

 

SMYTH (CONT'D)

Until you have a shower I'm calling you

"Smelly".

 

Smyth turns up his nose in disgust.

 

SMYTH (DISGUSTED) (CONT'D)

Actually, you stink right now.  Where'd

that come from?  Tregunna, did you shit?

 

Tregunna makes an angry face and looks under the table.

 

TREGUNNA (ANGRY)

Will you get out of here, you little black

bastard!

 

A nervous D.J. scurries out from under the table and goes running across the floor.  He hides behind the couch.

 

SMYTH

Ugh.  When was the last time you gave

that fucking thing a bath?

 

TREGUNNA (FANNING THE AIR)

You're the one who let him in here.

 

Roger enters the room to find the guys fanning away the air.

 

ROGER

What?  Did Tregunna shit?

 

SMYTH (TO RICK)

I never thought I'd say this but that dog  

smells worse than you.

(turns to Roger)

Oh...Roger.

(motions to Rick)

Roger, meet Smelly.

 

ROGER (WITHOUT HESITATION)

Hey, Smelly.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT

 

Trevor is sitting with excitement waiting a response from "ThunderThighs69" on Instant Messenger.  Up pops the words, "I'm into romance movies.  What about you?"  Trevor types in "I like mostly SciFi and fantasy films.  I'm really into Stargate and Battlerstar Galactica."  Trevor waits a long time for a response.  Finally the words, "ThunderThighs69 has disconnected" come across the screen.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

 

Tregunna deals out the cards.  Smyth goes to turn his over.

 

TREGUNNA

No.  Wait.  You gotta wait until all the

cards are dealt out.

 

SMYTH

Why?

 

TREGUNNA

Just wait.

 

SMYTH

Well hurry up, fag.

 

Tregunna finishes and the guys turn over their cards.  All three at the same time get a look of utter disgust on their faces while Tregunna breaks into a fit of laughter.

 

SMYTH (DISGUSTED) (CONT'D)

Ugh, that's fuckin' disgusting.

 

RICK (SHOCKED)

Where did you get these?

 

Roger holds a card directly in front of his face and turns it to get a different angle.

 

ROGER

Is that a donkey?

 

SMYTH (ERUPTING IN DISGUST)

Oh, that's so fucking gross!

 

He throws the card at Tregunna.

 

RICK

What is it?

 

SMYTH (DISGUSTED)

It’s a chick sucking off a horse.

 

Smyth tries to grab it back from Tregunna.

 

SMYTH (CONT'D)

Here.  Take a look.  There's horse jizz

running down her cheek.

 

TREGUNNA

Hey!  Don't tear it!

 

ROGER

That's so fucking gross.

 

Smyth throws another one.

 

TREGUNNA

Don't bend them.  The Towel Man will go

flipper if he finds out we've been looking

at them.  He'll get out his fuckin'

elephant gun.

 

SMYTH (LAUGHING)

Elephant gun!  Fuck off!

 

TREGUNNA

He's got a fucking elephant gun in the  

closet and if you bend these cards he's

gonna use it on you.

 

The guys start throwing their cards back at Tregunna.

 

SMYTH

Get the old shitty deck back.

 

ROGER

No wait.  Show them to Bugsy first.

 

Smyth looks over and sees the couch empty.

 

SMYTH

Hey, where the fuck did Bugsy go?

 

Roger shakes his head.

 

ROGER

I don't know.  He was going to the can

just as I was leaving.

 

TREGUNNA

You don't think he's...?

 

SMYTH

Bugsy...three hours of soft core porn. 

You do the math.

(offers a card)

Here...slide one of these under the door. 

That'll make him stop.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

 

Bugsy stands at the mirror smiling and looking red in the face.  He splashes some water in his face, goes over to the door and wipes his face off on the Towel Man's dirty skid-stained towel.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. TREGUNNA'S LIVING ROOM NIGHT

 

Bugsy and Rick are passed out on the couch.  Smyth is passed out on the love seat and Jamie on the floor, still covered in blankets.  Roger lies on the floor using a roll of paper towels for a pillow, playing Tregunna's old Intelevision game system.  Tregunna tries to clean up a little.

 

ROGER

Just leave it.  Come play some “Lock 'N'

Chase”.

 

TREGUNNA

Just clearing a little space so we can

move around here.

 

ROGER

How come we're the only ones who can

stay up past three o'clock anymore? 

Since when did everyone  become such a

pansy?

(turns head around)

I mean, look at Jamie.  He wasn't here an  

hour before he passed out on your floor.

 

TREGUNNA

That's what being married with twenty

kids will do to you.  I have a theory about

that.  You see, all our friends are either

married or in steady relationships.

(correcting himself)

Except for Bugs, he's just waisted.

 

ROGER

And Rick...

 

TREGUNNA

Yeah, well Rick's always been a pansy,

that fucking smelly bastard...actually...

 

Tregunna goes over to where Rick is sleeping.  He puts his ass up to the side of Rick's head, drops his pants and underwear, and squeezes out a nasty long wet fart.  He tries to squeeze out a little extra after the main blast has ended.  Roger erupts into a fit of drunken laughter.

 

ROGER (LAUGHING)

Ah, ha, I saw his hair move!

 

Tregunna bursts into laughter as he pulls his pants back up.

 

TREGUNNA (LAUGHING)

What was I saying?

 

ROGER

I don't know.

 

Tregunna lies down on the floor to the side of Roger.  He slides a pizza box over and uses it as a pillow.

 

TREGUNNA

Man, it's fucking cold.

 

ROGER

That's cause Jamie's got all the blankets

again.

 

Tregunna jumps back up to his feet.

 

TREGUNNA (ANGRY)

He always does that, that fucking cunt. 

He comes over, strips down until he's  

half-naked and then covers himself up in

blankets.

 

Tregunna pulls the pile of blankets off him to reveal Jamie's huge body lying there wearing only a small pair of red briefs.

 

TREGUNNA (CONT'D)

Why the hell would he strip down like

this in a room full of men? Here.  Take

these blankets off him.

 

Tregunna goes to the bathroom while Roger drags the blankets off Jamie.  Tregunna comes back carefully carrying the Towel Man's towel by the corners.  He lays the skid-stained towel over Jamie, covering him up.  Roger and Tregunna laugh while Jamie starts to cuddle with it and pull it close.  Tregunna puts a CD in the stereo and cranks the volume up.

 

TREGUNNA (SMILES) (CONT'D)

The neighbours love this song.

 

Tregunna nudges Roger towards the door and picks up the remote.  They head onto the porch and Tregunna hits the play button just as they duck down behind the window ledge.  The music kicks in loud waking the guys up.  Tregunna and Roger giggle and laugh it up while the guys curse and scurry around trying to turn off the stereo.  Smyth manages to turn it off.

 

SMYTH

What the fuck?

 

The guys look around trying to take in what just happened when they notice Jamie with the towel on top of him.

 

  SMYTH (POINTING AT JAMIE)

What the fuck?

 

Jamie finally becomes aware that he has a skid-stained towel on top of him.

 

JAMIE (SCREAMING)

Ah!  Get this fucking thing off me!

 

Tregunna and Roger can be heard laughing from the porch.

 

JAMIE (YELLING) (CONT'D)

Tregunna!  You fucking bastard!

 

Tregunna and Roger laugh for a while until they notice an awful smell on the front porch.

 

ROGER

What the fuck?

 

Tregunna notices the drizzle marks from where Smyth urinated on his porch.  He gets up and storms inside.

 

TREGUNNA (SHOUTING)

Smith, you fucking bastard!  My whole  

porch smells of piss!

 

Smyth points at Tregunna and laughs.  Then he notices the eighties video game on the TV flashing.

 

SMYTH (CONFUSED)

What the fuck?

 

FADE OUT:


Submitted: November 12, 2014

© Copyright 2021 Kevin McMaster. All rights reserved.

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