Nothing is wrong

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: February 07, 2018

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Submitted: February 07, 2018

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It was the third day of the total slump. Or at least, that is what the worried looks on her parents’ faces told her. Yes, she has been in a weird place for several months now, but this was the first time when she almost didn’t talk to anybody. It took a great effort to even look at people, to utter the word ‘hello’, to smile. There was nothing wrong with her. She didn’t feel down, or aggressive, or tired, she just felt idle. Like nothing in the world mattered, and everything was still.  People were going about their businesses, and the world was the same. 
Her parents, however, were worried. She hasn’t spoken to them in several days. She didn’t respond to them, as if she was in a different place altogether. Her eyes were clouded, her brain was thinking about something else and she was never fully in the room with them. 

The constant nagging, and worry if something was wrong, if maybe she was sick, or ungrateful, or indifferent was all that they thought of to snap her out of it. She would get angry for a second, or upset, or some other feeling, and then she would walk away, and return to her routine. She tried to respond, she truly did. When her mother worried that she was at home too much, she made an effort and went out with her friends. She smiled at them, had a small chit-chat , everyone seemed to have fun. But she would return home, exhausted, and in need of more time alone than she did before. She would get more restless around others. She would want to have her meals alone, sit in her room, typing, or reading, or watching something on her computer, it is just what she needed. Why couldn’t they just understand? The nagging never stopped. Don’t they see that they are making it worse? The guilt that she wasn’t trying enough was eating her up inside. Is something really wrong? - she has wondered, although she knew, there wasn’t, she just needed some rest. Some time alone, and she knew it would pass.

Sleeping was getting difficult. Constant thoughts of death, the emptiness, and the moodiness of the world would make her toss and turn in bed, so instead she would keep her brain occupied until she was too tired and fell asleep. She would watch some videos, read some articles and stories. Most of the information she observed would circle back to the thoughts of death. Not suicide, no. She didn’t want to die. In fact, she was afraid to. Afraid of what was waiting for her out there in the dark. What would happen once she’s dead? How come her consciousness would seize to exist?

She couldn’t share her thoughts with others, because they would think that she was being morbid, or brush her thoughts away, just tell her to think positive thoughts, like that is easily done. Once you start thinking about death, about its inevitability, the mortality, can you really go back?

Does this world even exist, is it all real, or is it all in her head? The moment that thought entered her mind the whole world became irrelevant. What if this all isn’t true, and she is just wasting her life in the alternate reality, while the real world is something else, and she can’t figure it out? These thought were even more dangerous. Because if this world wasn’t real, than nothing she does matters, she just needs to figure out what is real and focus on that. Does anybody think about these things too? Or is she alone in this world thinking like that? Is she alone in this world, period? IS it all in her head? Maybe she came up with all of this stuff, because the real world was to painful to bare. Is she crazy?

She would take her mind off of those thoughts and bring herself back to the “real” world, or whatever seemed real at the moment anyway. She would pick up a book, or open her laptop, trying to concentrate on something long enough to distract herself from the overbearing thoughts. And then she would watch or read something that would bring her thoughts back to the mortality of things, and of the nothingness that is waiting after death and round and round it goes. Or maybe death is not so final. Maybe there is life after death, and then what? Is the world immortal? Will her consciousness live forever in some other dimension? If that was true, than how does it work? How does forever work? How come it never ends? She was taught by her religion when she was just a teenager that, these are the things that we could not grasp, while we were alive in this world. That after judgement day, we would understand everything. But is that really how that works? She was religious for most of her life, but now she was having doubts. She was not sure, and that was what scared her.

She would wake up the next day, with a splitting headache, because she didn’t get much sleep, or maybe she did, but it still wasn’t enough. She would go about her business, work, friends, same fake smile and an attempt to seem normal, whatever that might be, same worried looks from her parents, same agitation from those looks. Why can’t they just understand, that nothing is wrong. She is not selfish, she is really, really trying. And in fact, hidden in her room is the best outcome for her and for everyone. Her energy gets drained around other people, she becomes irritated and tired and everything will just get worse. Just leave her be. And that is it. Just this feeling that people around her will suck the energy out of her, it is better being left alone with the scary thoughts. But other than that: Nothing was wrong.


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