The Ultimate HitchHikers Guide
The universe- some information to help you live in it
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger that that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real “wow that's big time”. Infinity is just so big that, by comparison, bigness itself looks titchy. Gigantic multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds. So the average population of the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you meet may be products of your demented imagination.
Monetary Units: None
In fact there are three convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them count. The Altarian Dollar has recently collapsed, the Flainian Pobble Beads only exhchangeable for other Flainian Pobble Beads, and the Tiganic Pu has its own special problems. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles alongside each other, no one has collected enough to own one Pu. Ningis are not negotiable currency, because the Galactibanks refuse to deal in fiddling small change. From this basic premise it is very simple to prove that Galactibanks are also the product of a deranged imagination.
How to leave the planet
Phone NASA. Their phone number is  483-31111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House, phone the kremlin [ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051].
If that also fails phone the pope for guidance. His telephone numbers is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing by flying saucer and explain that it is vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
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