Never Really Living and Never Really Dying

Reads: 354  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Confessions I will never say

The truth is, some days, I can barely find the energy to keep breathing. Those days, it feels like my ribs are crushing my lungs and that my bones are made of lead. I can feel the intimations of lifelessness in my eyes, the color draining from my skin, the dullness in my voice. I don’t know how I force myself to stay alive, but I’m still here. I don’t know how I deal with the unbearable agony, mental and physical, but I do.

It’s tiring. When the flashbacks consume me and steal my time, when “I should kill myself” invades my mind unexpectedly, when I look upon my scars and crave the bite of the razor… It’s tiring. I am exhausted and I don’t know how much longer I can go on before I can’t. I’m afraid that, one day, I’ll black out… and I won’t consciously know it, it won’t be entirely voluntary, but I will kill myself.

I’m beginning to loathe the question “Are you okay?” I swallow all the words I want to say and I sew my own lips shut. I lie with a convincing, sweet smile, “I’m fine.”

I would never tell the truth.

But I am now… and the truth is, I will never be okay. I never was okay. These memories cannot be erased. These morbid, inexorable traumas that play over and over again inside my mind like snuff films on repeat. My only escape being my vices. The drugs, the cutting, the drinking, the pill popping, the cigarettes. I get high or drunk to run from myself and all the vicious little reminders.

And at the core of it all, I’m yearning for death as if it were an unrequited lover. Never really living and never really dying.


Submitted: November 11, 2014

© Copyright 2021 KibaChan. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:


Facebook Comments

More True Confessions Miscellaneous

Boosted Content from Other Authors

Article / Non-Fiction

Book / Action and Adventure

Short Story / Thrillers

Other Content by KibaChan

Short Story / Other

Book / Fantasy

Short Story / Young Adult