Mind, body and soul

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A young girl struggles to survive her harsh reality.

Submitted: May 13, 2015

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Submitted: May 13, 2015

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Mind, Body and Soul

I walk down the colorful street. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, truly a beautiful day. I meet up with my friends and we go to hang out at the park like we always do. We set up a pick-nick and laugh as the sun goes down behind the mountains. Mathew does his usual flirting with me and I join in as I simply can’t resist his charm. He seems to just adore me. I love it. Christi comments my new green and blue dress and says how beautiful she thinks I look in it. I thank her for the compliment and the others chime in on how I always look my best. My friends are so nice. The sun goes down and it’s time to go home. We say our goodbyes and I give Mathew a kiss on the cheek, before I head on down the rainbow road leading to my lovely home. As I walk, it very suddenly becomes dark. The sun is gone, there are no stars out tonight, a wind starts to take over the trees and blows all the leaves off until they become towering shadows surrounding me, cornering me. I speed up my pace, but the darkness is too fast for me, the chirping birds turn into crackling crows, watching me, following me. I start to run and the crows follow close behind. Suddenly one swoops down and pecks at my head. Damn that hurt! I place my hand on my throbbing head. I’m bleeding a lot. Another crow swoops down and pecks at me, I start to get dizzy. Foam is running out of my mouth, my eyesight fading, I look down at the once colorful road only to see an endless pit. I’m falling, screaming. Grace! Grace! I hear the crows cry as my fall only increases in speed. I scream and cry and kick and… I gasp for air as I wake up to the nurses frightened faces. Drenched in vomit and foam and blood, I barely have time to take one breath before it forces itself out of me once more. A mixture of water and blood runs out of me like a fosset. I cough out the remains of blood before I look up at the horrified faces of the unknowing women of the household. Poor things, they don’t understand.

My fit seems to be over, now that I have awoken, but the mess is revolting. The big woman comes and lifts me out of the bed and carries me to the bathtub. Naked and drenched in my own filth she washes my scalp, scrubs my bones, cleans my tiny pale body. She then lifts me out of the tub and dresses me in a clean white nightgown that reaches down to my feet. She carries me back to my bed which has now been cleaned and readied for another day.

I lie in my bed, staring at the blank canvas that is my ceiling. Pale, white and grey, like me. The ceiling, the walls, the bed, the clothes they’re all the same. It would be so much better if we could have some colour here. I lift my hand up and I’m already holding my paintbrush. I look down and I’m wearing my new pink dress that mother made for me. I get up and twirl around the room feeling like a fairy princess. I gather my painting equipment and start on the walls. A rainbow here and a horse over here and some birds and cats and dogs and dolphins and giraffes and lions and trees and more rainbows and finally a sunset on the ceiling right over my head. I throw myself on the bed to wonder at my masterpiece. It’s beautiful, just how I imagined they look. Of course I’ve never actually seen any of these things, except for that one time I saw a dog. I think it was brown. I blink and it’s all gone. That same pale grey and white ceiling I’ve always stared at. I look down. No pink fairy dress, just the same white one I always ware. I bet mother could have made me one of those dresses. I bet she was good at making things. And she had long brown hair and beautiful sparkling eyes, and I’ll bet she would have loved me. For real… Foam begins to seep from my mouth and I start to feel that inevitable feeling of my insides trying to escape my body. I try to hold it in, but it’s no use. It forces itself out of me and before I know it I’m drenched once again, my face and neck covered in this horrible liquid. I feel the force again and blood spews out of me. I start crying, screaming. Finally the nurses come rushing in to clean me up and hold my head so it goes into the bucket in stead of all over me. That’s pretty much all they can do, try to make me as comfortable as possible while my innards slowly force themselves out one way or another. My body starts shaking and my eyes slide shut. I hear the nurses in the distance for a while, but eventually it all fades into darkness. A flash of the big lady scrubbing me. Darkness. A flash of the nurses tucking me in. Darkness. Then, the ceiling… Darkness.

I’m running across the field as fast as I can, laughing all along the way. Mathew is chasing me and if he gets a hold of me he won’t let go. I run and laugh and jump in the tall green grass, while the sun shines down on me like a warm gift of light. Mathew finally catches up with me and pins me to the ground. We both laugh and smile before gazing into each others eyes. His beautiful hazel eyes. He shuts them and leans in for a kiss, I show no restraint and our lips meet. Fireworks go off all around us, exploding colours to describe our feelings. When we’re done he smiles at me and tells me no one is more beautiful than I. I smile at the thought of that. He jumps up and reaches for my hand to help me up. I want to give him my hand, but I can’t, it won’t move. I’m pinned to the ground and I start to panic. He seems to get angry when I don’t reach for his hand and then he screams at me with a dark voice I’ve never heard before. "Fine, then you can just die!" And he vanishes. I’m alone. The tall grass is no longer my friend and takes hold of my hands and feet before it reaches for my throat. It starts to choke me and I feel slowly my consciousness fading. I shut my eyes and open them to the ceiling.

I hear voices. A man and a woman discussing something. A quite heated discussion it sounds like, but I can’t quite make out what they’re saying. The conversation ends and I hear footsteps coming towards me, coming closer and closer, when suddenly the door opens, and in comes a man in a long, white coat. “Hello Grace, my name is Doctor Smith and I’m here to visit you today.” I stare at him, follow him with my eyes. I don’t like him, he sounds like he has bad news. “You have anything to say? No?” he stares at me as if I’m stupid. “Well, my job today is to see if you can understand me, so can you give me any kind of sign that you hear me?” I start blinking really fast hoping he’ll get the point. “No? Nothing?” I blink even harder and faster, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “Alright then, well I’m just going to put a few wires on your head like this so don’t freak out, ok?” he says smiling a fake smile and holding up some wires. “Not that you can understand me anyway, retard.” He mumbles as he places the wires on different parts of my head. The suction makes them stick to my bare, pale scalp, I don’t like it. I frown with my eyebrows and stare at him until he looks at me, hoping he’ll figure out that I understand every word out of his big mouth. He connects the wires to a little box he has with him and then he finally looks at me. “What are you angry cause the mean man touched your head and you couldn’t stop him?” He turns on a switch on the box and I feel the wires making a connection with my brain. He then leaves me to lie in silence. I hear him mumble something in the other room. I hear the word brain, and the word non-functioning. He must be talking about me. I hear sobbing and in comes one of the nurses in tears. She starts speaking to me in her native tongue. It seems like she's trying to get my attention. I look directly at her intensely, but she just continues to sob and leaves. Why is everyone so stupid? My brain is fine, it's my body that's the problem. Oh God, I wish I could just... I slam my hand down in the bed. Yes. I get up and run into the room where I know that stupid man is. He sees me and looks frightened, and he should be. I grab a large pole from the floor and I lift it up over my head. I swing it down on him. His body is smashed to bits like pudding. And there he is, a pile of blood and guts and bones on the floor. No more Mr. Stupid Doctor. I laugh at his weakness. But then I blink, and there is his stupid face staring at me, alive and well. Damn it.

"Alright I'm going to try one last time. If you can hear me or understand me in some way, give me a sign." He stands there looking at me expecting a show. I'm about to make an attempt at screaming in his face when suddenly the foam comes again. He looks scared and backs away. I feel my body start to shake, I feel my guts trying to escape once more. I start crying as blood spits itself out of my mouth and on to my face and body. The doctor looks scared now, he calls for the nurses to come in. They all rush in with the bucket and towels as always. They lift my head up and more blood and vomit comes out, before I start to shake uncontrollably and... Darkness.

 

"It's been a while since I've been here."

"Yeah I know, I missed you."

"Well, I've been to these other places in stead, you were there, but you weren't really you, and there were a lot of other people there too and I didn't seem to have the control like I do here. I even killed a man."

"Really? Why?"

"Because he's a horrible person and I hate him."

"Oh."

"I like it better here though."

"I like it better when you're here." He smiles at me. I smile back. I then continue to play with my floating creation. It's like a ball of colourfull lights, shimmering and shining and changing shape according to how I want it to look.

"I wish I could stay here forever."

"Me too."

"And I wish that you could come with me when I have to go back."

"Me too."

We sit in silence for a bit and wonder at my ball of lights and the landscape beyond. Beautiful rolling hills, tall green trees, flowers, grass, the lake, the mountains, the sunset. It's all too beautiful.

"Mathew?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Yeah. Of course I do. You're the prettiest girl in the world."

"Really? Or do you just say that cause that's what I want you to say?"

"A little bit of both. You do control me, but you wanted me to have my say in things to make me more real. So here's what I think, you are really pretty, really beautiful, you're perfect, but I've never met the real you."

"You don't want to meet the real me."

"Yes I do. I love you, you're perfect in every way, so meeting the real you would make me even closer to you."

"You can't get much closer than this, Mathew." I smile. He smiles back. Then he lifts a flower into the air and transforms it into a ball of light just like mine, but less colours. It's so amazing here.

"Come on let's go." He takes my hand and we leap off the cliff. We float in the air and fly high above the clouds together. We see the stars and the moon and the sun and all the other planets of the universe. It's beautiful.

 

I hear the voices again. They're having a heated discussion. It's that man, one of the nurses and another man who's voice I don't recognize. This time they forgot to shut the door properly and unfortunately I hear every word of the conversation.

"I don't care if you feel like you have a connection with her, that girl is brain dead, her eyes just wander aimlessly around the room and every once in a while they will settle on your face creating the illusion that she actually is trying to make contact. I'm telling you there is no point in trying to save her." The nurse begins to cry.

"Doctor surely there must be some kind of tests you haven't run yet?" says the unknown man.

"Of course there are some very expensive tests I could run, but there just isn't any point, I know brain dead when I see it. Besides there is no way this place can afford to pay for the tests or even to keep this girl here much longer." says the doctor.

"I'll pay for them, I'll pay for the tests and I'll pay for the things they need to keep her here and keep her as comfortable as possible for as long as possible." says the very kind stranger.

The nurse stops crying. "Really? You will? Oh thank you kind sir." she sniffles.

"Are you sure Mr. Potter?" says the doctor, once again trying to sabotage my existence.

"Yes, I'm sure. And if you do find that she is in fact awake, then she will be moved to the university, where she can be properly cared for in a way that she might even be able to speak. I'll make sure of it." says Mr. Potter.

"Oh thank you sir, thank you so much." cries the nurse. "I know that girl, I know she is in there somewhere. How can we ever repay you?"

"As long as she is taken care of, then that is more than enough payment for me."

"Alright Mr. Potter, I'll see what I can do." Says the doctor sounding rather disappointed. The door opens and in comes... Mathew? He's older, but he has his eyes, his hair, his wonderful face.

"Hi, Grace. My name is Mathew Potter, and you probably don't know me, but I know you." Oh my God, how is he real? How is he here? I try my very hardest to smile. I don't know if he notices.

"You see I was told that you were dead, but I never truly believed it, and well now I've found you. Sadly this is not how I had hoped you would turn out." He sits down beside me and looks at me with a sad face.

"Can you hear me, Grace? I really think you can." I muster up all my strength and force my eyes to open wide and my lips to smile.

"Is that it? Are you telling me that you understand me? Are you smiling?" He looks absolutely amazed.

"Can you make a sound? Please I want to be sure." I try once more to muster up the strength to make a sound. But then the foam comes again. I don't care he has to know, he has to save me. With every bit of strength in my body I open my mouth and scream through the foam. I scream loudly, but a gust of blood interrupts me and then, darkness.

 

The sun is shining, a slight breeze flows through my long, golden hair. I breath in the summer air and run as fast as I can through the tall grass and flowers. I drop down beside Mathew when I just can't run anymore.

"Running is so amazing."

"Yeah."

"Mathew, you're real."

"What?"

"I met the real you, over there."

"That's not possible."

"Yes it is, I didn't make you up, you're a memory." He sighs.

"I knew this day would come."

"What do you mean?"

"I know I'm a memory, I know, I just couldn't tell you. But this means that you're going to want to be with real me, rather than me."

"Why would I want that?"

"Cause he's real, and I'm not."

"Well yeah, but with you I can run and play and fly and create whatever I want and do whatever I want. I can't do anything with him."

He's quiet for a while, he looks really upset.

"I'm going to leave you soon, Grace."

"What? Why?"

"Because soon I won't exist anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't have much time left, Grace."

"You're scaring me."

"You're going to die, Grace, soon."

"What? How do you know that?" My heart is pounding.

"Because, you're body can't take much more of this. You're dying, Grace. And I can't save you."

"No, that's not true. Real you is going to save me. He's going to take me to a place where they can help me."

"No, he's not Grace. No one believes you're awake. I'm sorry." He starts crying.

"No, you're wrong. He is going to save me. He is!" I'm crying, my heart pounding, I start running away from him.
"Grace, wait! Please don't do this!"

I just keep running.

 

I gasp for breath as I wake up to my room. The nurses are all there, Mathew is there, and I am covered in blood. It used to only be a little blood and mostly vomit and foam. Maybe I am getting worse. The big lady carries me away when I'm done spewing out blood. She puts me in that old, rusty tub again, and cleans me. She dresses me, and brings me back to my room. And there I lay, staring at that blank ceiling once again. Mathew comes and sits beside me.
"I'm going to make you better! I promise!" He has tears in his eyes. "That was my fault, I pushed you too hard. But I heard you. I know you hear me. I'm not stupid." He leans down and kisses me on the forehead. I've never felt such closeness to someone before. I wonder if this is what love feels like. His lips are soft and warm against my cold, hard skin. "You get some rest now." He smiles, and leaves the room. Darkness.

 

I'm alone. I'm always alone now. It's dark, but there are no stars. The grass has withered. I'm too weak to fly. I'm alone. I attempt at creating a ball of light. It shines bright in my hands. A bright white light. No more colours, but still light. The sight of it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I stare at it for a bit before I throw it as hard as I can and it goes flying off into the distance. It's dark. I fall to the ground and start to cry. I'm alone.

 

"I'm sorry Mr. Potter, but it's been four months and all we're doing is making her weaker. Leave her alone and let her die in peace." Says the doctor. I think he's started to feel sorry for me. Test after test after test. They can't seem to prove that I'm awake, and I'm too weak to try and convince them. I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. My hearing is getting worse so overhearing their conversations is getting harder. I'm just alone in this big, white room. And when I close my eyes it's all the same. I just lay there watching my world fade away. Alone.

 

"There must be something? Anything!" I hear Mathew scream.

"No Mr. Potter, there isn't. Now if you truly care for her you will go and spend her last moments with her. Goodbye." I hear the doctor leave and the nurses cry. My eyes open just enough to see Mathew come in to my room. He has tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Grace, I thought I could save you, but I can't." He sits at my bedside and holds my limp hand. I can almost feel it. "I just really thought I could help you. I'm so sorry." His head falls into his hands as he weeps.

It's okay, Mathew. It's not your fault. At least you tried.

"I want you to know, that I tried so hard to keep you safe. But they took you away from me. You were so much smaller then." He looks at me through his tears with what I can only call love.

 "You're parents were amazing people." He smiles. "They did all they could to find a way to cure you. They got quite far too. You weren't always this bad, although I can hardly expect you to remember that. But they took you away, and your parents were never heard from after that. I spent so many years looking for you. Only to find you here." He pauses. "They love you here though. They have tried so hard to take good care of you. So don't you go thinking that you're not loved." I smile at the thought of my parents and people who love me. To think that someone so pathetic and useless as me, could be so loved. I've never felt warmer. I see Mathews face light up and he's yelling something about me. I can't hear him anymore though. Maybe he saw my smile? He runs out of the room. But I've never felt less alone.

 

The sun is setting behind the mountains. I look at Mathew who is smiling at me. He reaches out his hand. I smile. I take one last look at the sunset. Then I take Mathews hand. Light. How nice it would have been, to have seen a real sunset.  

 

 

 

 

 

 


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