10 Soulutions for 10 Irritations

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A Fun and Easy Guide to House Train your Lover

Submitted: September 27, 2007

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Submitted: September 27, 2007

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1: PROBLEM: He leaves he clothes anywhere and everywhere it lands.

SOLUTION: Before you start separating the flammable from the acid resistant, rather invest in a cheaper and less hazardous solution, a bucket and a bottle of red food coloring. It doesn’t have to be red but the added bonus is it does turn his favorite item of clothing a lovely bright and rather odd-looking blotchy pink.

2: PROBLEM: He leaveshis dirty dishes all over the house or worse hides them beyond sight like behind the couch or under the bed (yes mind boggling as it may seem this actually does happen).

SOLUTION: Before having a nervous breakdown and breaking every peace of china over his head or stabbing him with a dirty butter knife in his thigh (believe me after a while you will consider doing this) just start hiding some dirty dishes of your own. My favorite his putting a plate smeared with something disgusting like fish paste in his suitcase. A useful tip is to do it just before he leaves for work in the morning. It’s vindictive but extremely effective.

3: PROBLEM: He puts off doing simple household chores for ages and your about to rip the squeaking kitchen cupboard off its hinges. Not to mention the thousand and one other little things like the towel rail that keeps on falling off the wall and so on and so on…

SOLUTION: Find a cute handyman, ok they are not the easiest species to find but maybe try a college dorm, there are hundreds of lovely young, handsome college students there, always desperate for a bit of extra cash. Invite him over on a Saturday that you absolutely know your man’s going to be home, and follow Mr. fixit around like a puppy that’s panting after a piece of meat. The next time you mention that the garage door is getting stuck again, I’m sure he’ll be much more eager to get the toolbox out himself.

4. 4: PROBLEM: He leaves the bathroom after his beautification rituals, looking like a wet grizzly bear was trapped in there for a couple of months.

?? SOLUTION: This is an age old problem that woman has been battling with for years, and will be struggling with for years to come. It’s the nature of the beast, perhaps a genetic defect. Honestly I could only think of one possible solution and its definitely not guaranteed, but anything is worth trying once.While his in the shower or bath, take all his shoes that can’t be ruined by water and chuck them in the swimming pool or tub of water, better yet if his taking a bath put them in there with him. When his calmed down enough to want to know why, you just tell him sweetly that if he leaves the bathroom under 6 inches of water again, he will be fishing for his golf clubs.

?? 5. PROBLEM: He said he was going for a drink with a friend after work and comes home at 4:00 in the morning. That in it self is still a forgivable offence if it doesn’t happen to often but if he would just pass out on the nearest couch the fight would probably only last until his hangover is better, but no! When consuming large quantities off alcohol the male species undergoes a testosterone shift, they either turn into children or worse they think their sexy, sometimes these symptoms appear at the same time. First of all you wake up to this sinking feeling because it sounds like someone is trying to brake into the house, after the fog has cleared you realize that all that racket is just him trying (A) desperately to unlock the front door without trying to wake you and (B) standing upright without the help of his equally intoxicated buddies. As you approach the front door you can hear the situation is escalating and he is having a very heated and very loud argument with himself or some or other deity about the size of the keyhole, the key being broken or someone changing the locks. You open the door just as he retreats a couple of steps to make sure he’s got the right house. When he sees you standing there you could actually see his thought process, he weighs his options, one being diving behind the nearest corner hoping that you haven’t spotted him, the other pretending that nothing is wrong he just misplaced his front door keys. He stands there for a couple of seconds longingly looking at the nearest bush then holds out the offending keys and makes his slurred excuses all with a silly grin and what’s left of his school boy charm. He stumbles through the front door tripping over the carpet, after which he looks around for the closest household pet to blame his mishap on. You start to give him a piece of your mind but soon realize from the blank look in his face that the part of his brain that usually processes the negative aspect of the opposite sex has been numbed (this is also why people sometimes wake up next to someone or something who looks like only their mothers could love them). You go back to bed but have to get up a couple of minutes later because of the loud banging noises coming from the kitchen. Somehow he’s found a can of baked beans which was probably left there by the previous owners and is well beyond human consumption. Luckily he has forgotten that man created tools to open such things and is staring at it with disgust but probably hoping that he has secret and very powerful telepathic abilities. Sensing a female presence in the room he abandons his first instinct of survival to give his full concentration to the second, procreation. You immediately recognize the look and the added little swagger to his step. When his attempts fail at trying to persuade you by his version of sexy, which consists of a smile a wink and a “hello there beautiful” he turns to the age old method of begging. Obvious to all gods creatures but him your not in the mood for him or the rancid smell of beer and bar snacks, so you adopt a motherly nature (which should put him of fairly quickly depending on his level of intoxication) and put him to bed. Looking at him sprawled out on the bed snoring loudly and dribbling a little you desperately try and remember what you saw in him the first time you met and he was basically in the same state of intoxication (but then again you have to remember that so were you). Finally having won some peace and quiet you grab a pillow and head for the couch hoping you can get back to sleep.

?? SOLUTION: Unfortunately you only get one or two chances at this one otherwise you set a precedent. The most important thing to remember is not to start screeching at him while he’s drunk, wait till the next morning when his hung-over. Before he wakes up hide the following, pain killers; coffee and any thing that’s cold and drinkable, even get rid of the water in the fridge. Don’t make breakfast and if you want to be really vindictive hide his cell phone and wallet, remember to turn the cell off, you can tell him he lost them and watch him freak. Just give it back before he starts cancelling stuff. Now you have one of two options, you can either take this as a grace period to get away with your own shenanigans like charging that perfume you wanted to his credit card or have a night out with the girls yourself. You could let your hair down and get home plastered if you want and he wouldn’t be able to say a thing. I have to ad here that I think this is the better option because you don’t come off as a nagging fishwife. The other option is just to be the nagging fishwife, wake him up and start yelling at him, if it looks like he’s about to collapse or slit his wrist just to make the noise stop, keep at it for at least another 45 minutes oruntil your voice gives or you find something better to do. Although it doesn’t feel like it at the time you will look back at this someday and have a giggle.

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