Shame

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
A young girl struggles with the possibility of losing her best friend, and her secret love.

Submitted: November 12, 2013

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Submitted: November 12, 2013

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"Im not a lesbian..." Her voice trailed off, with almost a tone of shame to it.

"I...I know..." I whispered back, some shame echoed in my own voice.

I felt awkward, like everything that she and i had shared as friends no longer mattered.

I'd known Hailey for years and years, and even when i'd come out as a lesbian to her and everyone else, shed remained my friend. She'd always encouraged me to be myself, through anything.

Im not really sure when friendship with her became a flirtaceous need for more, it sort of crept up on me, slowly and surely. I'd always questioned when, or if shed ever feel the same way.

"Im... im sorry" i choked back tears, unsure of why i'd been so stupid and opened my mouth.

The look on her face said more than her words could and i knew the thing id said was going to permanently change who we were to eachother.

"Carly..." she let my name hang in the cold December air between us.

"Im sorry..." i repeated. No other words came to my mind, just the sad feeling of being alone that coursed through my body. That, and the slight feeling of shame.

Before i could stop myself, i turned on my heels and ran. My mind screamed at me, telling me what a fool i'd been to say what i said, telling me id ruined the best friendship i'd ever known, that i was never going to have a friend, or a girlfriend, like her ever, and that i didnt deserve it.

I ran down the street past the people busily window shopping, past the holiday cheer that spilled from the bar across the street, ran until i couldnt hear the sounds of town, nor the voices of the people who wandered, unaware of the sadness that weighed my heart down. Soon just the whisper of the river surrounded me and i curled up on a rock along the bank.

"Youre so stupid!" i yelled at myself.

"Why!?" I sobbed through the cold air. "why couldnt you just leave it alone!?"

I chastised myself and cried, so angry and lonely with myself.

All the feelings of my life swirled inside me and I found myself feeling hopeless and strangely worthless.

Some small part of me expected her to run after me, to tell me i was ok, that wed stil be friends, but the quiet whisper of the river remained unchanged.

I sat for hours, the darkness enveloped me in this place as i sat and cried. I wanted someone, anyone to find me, and tell me they loved me, that things would be ok, but no one came.

I finally forced myself up, forced myself to head back to town, pray that maybe things werent as bad as they felt.

People still wandered the streets, poking through shops as the days for christmas shopping drew to a close. They smiled and talked amongst them, their voices all mixed into a distant echo that barely registered in my upset mind.

"Hey Carly" A voice finally caught my ears.

I looked up and found my friend Jenna leaned up against her store window, smoking a cigarette.

"Whats wrong girly?" She blew smoke into the air.

"Nothing" i gave a flat reply, unable to put any emotion into my voice.

"Its something" she tilted her head to watch my reaction.

"I... I just dont want to talk about it" I looked away, my cheeks flushed with embarrasement.

"Ok babe, if you change your mind, im here until nine tonight, and you can always call, ok?" She tossed her cigarette into the street as she turned back to the store.

"OK" i nodded and headed up the stairs beside the store, headed to my apartment.

She waved and smiled before she pulled the door open and stepped into the warmth.

I pulled the kitchen door shut behind me, and flipped the light above the stove on. A pale light flooded my cramped kitchen and i tossed my jacket on it carelessly.

I closed my eyes for a moment, and instantly was back on the street corner with Hailey, the feeling of shame and sadness burning deep into
 
my cheeks.

I opened them quickly and shook my head, trying to get rid of the image.

I flung open the cabinet above my fridge and rummaged around for the bottle of rum that i threw there after a party one day years ago. I dragged it out and pulled a glass from the same cabinet, before changing my mind. I twisted the cap loose and tossed it in the sink before i took a heavy sip of the liquid.

It stung my throat and lips but i didnt care. I threw the bottle back and drank it in a big gulp, the effects of the alcohol almost instantly affecting my thin frame.

I stumbled to my bed and collapsed on it. The alcohol only served to darken the depression that i felt mixed in my heart. The image of Hailey's surprised face was now locked in my vision, eyes open or close, it didnt matter.

"GO AWAY!!!" I screamed into the darkness. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

"YOURE SO STUPID CARLY!" I screamed again.

Tears washed up in my eyes and i felt myself losing control. I cried and curled up into a ball, my chest heaving with each short breath between sobs.

I cried for what felt like hours, before my stomach began to hurt and i realized i was going to vomit. I tried to get out of bed and make for the bathroom, but i ended up collapsed in the kitchen. I retched and threw up on the floor, still crying. My head was wrapped in alcohol and my body felt fevered with the liquid that felt as though it was running in my veins.

I begged the darkness to take me, to take me away from the hurt i felt inside, from the shame and embarrasement.

I threw up again before i managed to drag myself to the toilet. I just collapsed infront of it, and slowly passed out as the alcohol began to fuel perverted dreams of my own life, played on some twisted screen.

/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\

"Carly?" A muffled voice broke the alcohol fueled sleep that wrapped me up.

I groaned and tried to sit up, but immediately felt sick and threw up in the toilet.

"Carly" the voice was accompanied with a knock.

"Jus.. just a minute" i forced out as i pulled my head from the toilet bowl. I felt like id been punched in the head.

I had to use the towel rack and door to steady myself as i got up, the sunlight burned against my eyes as i pulled the shade on the door back.

Jenna was standing in a heavy jacket, a white scarf wrapped around her neck.

"Hey" she waved a bit as i pulled the door open.

"God you look a mess sweetie" She looked me up and down.

"I... uhm, im, sick" I lied.

"Mmm yeah i see that" she nodded to the empty bottle of rum on the counter and the distinct smell of vomit that coated my apartment.

"Im sorry..." i felt tears sting my eyes, as more shame flooded across my body.

"Its ok darling, but we need to talk" She let herself in.

She grabbed a towel and began to clean up the mess id left.

"You, you dont need to do--" I started.

"Its fine sweetie, besides, you can barely stand up, lie down, its ok. really." She gave me in a motherly tone.

I just nodded to her and collapsed on the bed, the dizziness in my head slowly lessening.

"So tell me why you decided to go on a bender last night" She tossed the towel in the trash as she put some bleach on the floor and wiped it clean.

"I did something stupid" I whispered.

"More stupid than drinking an entire bottle of rum by yourself, with no one around to take care of you?" She washed the bottle out in the sink and put it in the recycling bin.

"Yes" i said, my voice barely a whisper.

"Well, tell me what it was then" She sat on the edge of the bed, while she dried her hands.

"I dont wanna" I rolled over on my side.

"Ahh..." She trailed off. "Well too bad, tell me anyway"

I stayed silent, my arms pulled close to my chest.

"Carly, you know im not leaving till you tell me, so you might as well just say it now" Jenna gave me an unamused look.

"I..." I started.

"You what?" Jenna crossed her arms.

"I told... Hailey that i loved her..." I whispered before burying my head under a pillow.

Jenna laughed and then grabbed the pillow from my head.

"God youre being silly" She tossed the pillow to the other end of the bed.

"But.. but" I tried to say something before she interrupted me.

"But nothing darling, even if she doesnt love you back, shes your best friend!"

"But what if she hates me?" I asked.

"Oh jesus, what are you, twelve?? Grow up!" Jenna slapped my leg.

"But" I started again.

"Oh shes gonna get over it, trust me, i know her too well" Jenna smiled down at me.

"I guess..." I looked down at my feet.

"Good, now that thats sorted, you, missy, need a shower, and... well you need to brush your teeth" She pulled me up into a sitting position.

I stood and fell a bit before she straightened me up.

"Go, hot shower, and mouth wash and then we'll go get breakfast, im sure itll help your hangover" She took off her coat and hopped onto my bed, and clicked on the TV.

I nodded, and pushed the door shut behind me. I could never really argue with Jenna, she was like a big sister i could always turn to, and she would always tell me things the way they were, even if i didnt want to hear it.

I stripped my clothes off, and dropped them in a messy pile infront of the sink before i brushed my hair out, trying to get the knots from it. I looked at myself in the mirror. I hadnt always been, but i had to atleast admit a little, that i was pretty. Not that i would ever say it outloud.

"I dont hear the water running!" I heard Jenna call from the bedroom.

I turned the knob and let the water turn hot as i stood near the shower.

"Better!" i heard her call again.

I stepped into the running water, and felt the heat wash away the aches of the night before. It was comforting as it ran over my head, and soaked my chin length brown hair. I closed my eyes as it ran over my face. I washed quickly, my stomach ache turned to hunger pangs as hurried. I dried off, and then cracked the door open.

"Uhm, Jenna could you hand me some clothes?" I motioned to a closet next to the bed.

"Oh, sure." She kicked her feet off the bed and rummaged through my things.

"Hmmm, how bout this?" She tossed me a pink v neck T shirt.

"Sure" I caught it and drapped it on my arm behind the door.

"And this" She threw me a black flip skirt.

"Uhm, its a little cold for skirts" I could see the temperature gauge hanging on my window, indicating it being under fifteen degrees.

"Then this too" she tossed me black leggings.

"But" I started to say before she turned and shot me a quick glare.

"You'll wear what i pick, or you can go naked" she giggled playfully and threw me a black bra and matching thong.

"God, how do girls like you wear these things?" She looked at the thong for a second.

"Its not as bad as it seems" I mumbled.

"Sure, and i like having floss in my teeth too" She joked and hopped back on the bed.

I pulled the clothing on and looked at myself in the mirror. The outfit was cute, i had to admit.

I pulled that bathroom door open and stepped back into the room.

"See? Its cute!" she giggled.

I shook my head in amusement at her before i pulled some socks from the drawer and slipped on a comfortable pair of boots.

"Ready?" She grinned and threw me my old faded brown coat.

I pulled it close and grabbed my favourite pink scarf from the peg next to the door before i pulled the door shut behind me.

The day was cold, colder than the day before. Gray clouds were moving in, hinting at the coming snow.

I followed Jenna down the stairs as she lit a cigarette and headed up the street. We walked a couple blocks in silence as the previous day caught up with me.

"Hey, no thinking about it!" Jenna turned around and snapped me with her scarf.

"Hey!" I grabbed at the scarf trying to pull it away from her. It made me giggle.

"See? Thats better!" Jenna grabbed my arm and pulled me behind her towards a little restaurant on the river front.

The bell rang over the door as she threw it open.

"Hey mama!" she called to the lady standing at the counter.

"Oh my little Jenna" The lady smiled broadly.

"Hi Mrs. O'dell" I smiled at her.

"OH and little Carly too" She laughed and motioned us to the counter.

"What would ya like?" She dropped menus infront of us. "Its on the house"

"Are you sure?" I looked up at her.

"Of course Darling, you always get free food here! Youre practically family!" She smiled.

"Hey Manny, get the girls some OJ!" She yelled into the kitchen.

Manny poked his head through the window.

"Yeah yeah, hold your horses!" He looked over at us.

"Hey sis" he called to Jenna.

"Hello Brother dearest" she waved.

"Morning Carls" he turned into the kitchen.

"Hi Manny" I called after him.

Mrs. O'dell made us a big breakfast, which i ate readily, my stomach aching from being empty.

"So, were gonna spend the day shopping, ok?" Jenna sipped a cup of coffee as i finished my eggs.

"I should call Hailey, and apologize" I reached for my phone.

"No, you dont have anything to apologize for!" she grabbed my hand. "Now look, youll talk to her when you talk to her, dont push the issue, got it?"

"Ok..." I stared out the window.

We spent the day wandering the streets in town, poking through shops, talking to friends. Hailey never left me thoughts, but i didnt see her all day. I wondered what she was feeling, what she was thinking of me. Whenever id lose myself in throught Jenna would snap me with her scarf.

Darkness fell quickly, as the short day came to an end.

Jenna hugged me as she got ready to head home. Wed been watching movies in my small apartment after we finished shopping.

"Now, promise me, no more drink, atleast not while youre alone. If you feel like youre gonna do something like that, PROMISE me you'll call, ok?" Jenna shook me lightly.

"I promise, but i think im ok" I said, something that surprised me.

"Ok, good!" Jenna hugged me again.
"Merry Christmas!" she called as she headed out the door.

"Merry Christmas" i called after her as she turned the corner infront of the building.

I sighed as i pushed my door shut. I had to admit that i felt somewhat foolish about how i'd felt just twenty four hours before. It felt childish and stupid to me. How id lost myself that quickly, and that badly made me feel a little immature.

I sat on my bed, as another movie played, but i couldnt focus on it at all, i felt strangely at ease, but also compelled to do something. I sat for a while longer before my legs forced me up. I grabbed my jacket and shut off the TV as i pulled the door shut behind me and ran down the steps of my apartment. The streets in town were empty as Christmas Eve edged towards midnight. I jogged quickly across the street to an old theatre that stood in the center of town. Occasionally they would show movies and plays but for the winter it was closed for a lack of heating in the building.

I had a secret, something i was always too embarrased to tell people. I loved to sing and play the piano, but a traumatic incident when i was little on stage, made me keep it bottled up. The old theatre had a stage with an old grand piano on it, and the owner didnt mind me coming in and playing when no one was there. He always told me he was glad someone got some use out of it, and had given me a key to the backdoor.

I slipped in the back door, and pulled it shut behind me. The theatre floor creaked as i walked in. It smelled of old wood and painted props that stood against the walls. I looked around, and walked down the aisles of the theatre, just to make sure no one was there. My echoing footsteps were reassuring in the old hall that no one would hear me.

I hopped back on the stage and pushed the cover back on the old piano. Its keys gleamed in the gentle stage lighting as i gently tapped the keys. Each note rang clearly into the quiet, empty room.

I sat down and placed my feet on the peddles and gently played an old song that came to mind. At first i didnt sing, just played, listening to the music that echoed around me.

Gently i brought my voice into the song, and sang with it. I could feel my voice resonate with the notes of the piano and i felt so at ease with life. Even if just for a moment, i was at peace. Nothing could break that moment.

I sat in silence for a moment after, just letting the last notes echo into the emptiness that surrounded me.

"That was so beautiful..." I heard a voice from the audience and i jumped up.

I looked out into the seats and found Hailey sitting a few rows back.

"H...Hailey" I looked at her in disbelief. "You...you scared me" I held my hand to my chest, as my heart thudded against my ribcage.

"Im sorry..." She said timidly. "I...didnt want you to stop..."

I looked down at her, unsure of what to say to her.

She stood, and walked down the aisle to the stage and walked up the stairs to me.

"Hailey, Im sor--" I got out before she put her finger to my lips.

"I-" I tried to say again.

"Oh Carly, shut up!" She grabbed me and kissed me tenderly.

I felt tears build in my eyes as leaned into her kiss.

She pulled from me for a moment and smiled.

"I love you too, Carly Anne..." She whispered on the empty stage.

 


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