Klondike Mom Chronicles

Klondike Mom Chronicles Klondike Mom Chronicles

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

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Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Houses:

Summary

Ummmm... you'll see
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Summary

Ummmm... you'll see

Content

Submitted: May 30, 2014

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Content

Submitted: May 30, 2014

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I remember when the sky was blue, when stars shined. Before my period happened, before I was filled with a hormonal rage, before I had to use the tampon in my purse at the Golden Coral because my husband had just started his obesity sandwich, and didn’t want to go home. Before I yelled at the guy who tried to flirt with me at the DMV, but messed up the pickup line then told me I was the spawn of Satan and ran of to get into his big white van that served as a tattoo parlor and candy shop, but also had coffee filled with rufees. Before I slapped a bitch at the MacDonalds for messing up my order and giving me indigestion, before blood spilled all over the floor at my daughters piano recital, and I had to blame it on the kid with leukemia sitting next to me. Before I had sex with the guy who dresses up as the Happy Hippo King at Jeremy’s fun world, just to see what would happen, the spilled blood all over his costume (we did it behind the kid’s party room, happy birthday is a surprisingly sexy song). Before I dove into the ball pit to find the broken condom he had used while doing the naughty, to keep as a souvenir for my son’s party, as the gift shop is too damn overpriced. Before I shot my sons teacher, then raped her dead body just to prove a point (she gave my son a D, or what, he gave her that D, and she took it nice and right, then aborted my son’s firs born, he’s seven, but he’s an early bloomer, as he was found quoting “I’m young, but boy am I ready Ms. Cyrus). Yes, Miley Cyrus became a teacher, a physics teacher, her class is about the trajectory of wrecking balls and seamen. Before I sucked my husband’s tiddlywinker so hard it fell of, and I fed it to our dog, because he kissed some lady at Golden Coral while I was adjusting my lady parts back into my skirt. Before I killed my entire family and ate their dead bodies for a Klondike Bar, that’s what I’d do for a Klondike bar motherfuckers.

 


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