My Elusive Dream, the interim

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
complications, mind games, needed advice.....

Submitted: June 22, 2012

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Submitted: June 22, 2012

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It is advisable to read Part 1, to get "up to speed" on the interim......

Before I go any further, I would like to make known that this "story" is actually occurring to me at this time. Everything I have written and will write are actual ongoing occurences, actions, and emotional highs and lows that I am experiencing because of it. I guess what I really want to say it that I am not really looking for a literary critique, as much as I am hoping that someone, older and wiser, or someone experienced in matters of this nature, or "out of the mouths of babes" might be able to explain to me" what just happened here" (part 1) ? How should I interpret all this up to now?

Observations, not really covered in part 1:

Now, where there are men, there are also going to be women, and such is the case here. He had to have been married at least once, because he has a daughter. I don't believe he is married now, but I have seen a female at times with him. Having said that, what wife, or girlfriend for that matter, is going to allow her husband, or boyfriend out that late at night by himself?

A more in-dept explanation of the facts:

On the night that I saw him, he was already familiar with my daily routine. I had been doing this now nearly three weeks. During the day time hours, I would pass up the street on my way cross town, then back down the same street on my way home. I had already done this enough times to make it known to him. At night however, I had an added advantage, the dark, whereby I could pass several times if necessary according to the situation at hand. We're talking 10:30pm and later. However, if there were people around I would take a longer period of time between each pass. It had to have occurred to him already, that I would not stop if he was not alone.

On the night that I saw him walking "alone" I had just turned the corner going "down" the street, that's when I saw him passing by my right side coming "up" the street. Note: This area where we met for the first time is about a block away from the hangout. There is a bridge over a creek ( flooding purposes), and I had yet to cross the bridge, the hangout being on the other side of the bridge. He had already crossed the bridge coming up from the hangout . When we met we were both on the inactive ( almost no traffic, walking or otherwise) side of the bridge, all the action being on the other side of the bridge where the hangout is located. When I saw him, before I could stop the car, he was already passed me, however he kept his vision on me, until I was able to call out and signal him to the car. He had to turn around since I was unable to stop parallel, well actually next, to him. He could have just as easily turned his vision and kept on going, but he didn't. The point I want to make is that he knew that there was a possibility that I would pass again. This had been my regular routine. He was alone, and in an area of inactivity, where I had yet to see anyone that late at night on that side of the bridge up to now, but he knew that I would return down that path as I had always done so before.

The reason I bring this up is because it was different when I would pass by the hangout, where when he saw me, he would turn, or lower his vision as I passed by. Just as he was aware of my passing, so would be the others, but since he already knew that it was him I was interested in, he could lower his vision to not arouse suspicion, as I know that everyone else was probably thinking who the heck is this guy looking at? Now, how did I make it absolutely clear to him that I was looking at him and only him? Please, I'm a high school graduate(chuckle). Here goes, on the day that I took my rugged masculine man to pass by his hangout, the man with me, was the same race as he is. There were no other men in the crowd of his race, except for the man in my car and him. And if that didn't take, I did this a second time, with a man loaded down with some heavy bags, and allowed me to give him a ride. And so I "just happened" to pass by his hangout area, where he again noticed that the man in my car was of his race. So there could have been no doubt in his mind who I was looking at when I passed. The only negative for him was that if any one else had noticed, and put two and two together, they could solve the mystery also. Thus he was obligated to turn or lower his vision once he saw me passing.

Another observation:

The last time I spoke to him, I asked him that if I was being a bother to him, to tell me so, I asked him as sincerely and honestly as I could. He didn't say either way. So I asked him, that if in the future, I had other jobs, if he wanted me to look for him. He said yes. He could just as easily said, " that 's okay, I'm fine the way I am, or there are a lot of guys in the area also looking for odd jobs. When he answered my question of me coming to look for him, to which he said yes, I responded with, but you know what it is that I 'm really after, at which he gave me a playful laugh. This was the second time he had given me that playful laugh. The first one coming on the ride to my house when I told him that he was very good(period) looking (rugged masculine type). And he gave me a playful laugh.

Latest recent activity, this evening: 10:30pm to 11:30pm

I have just returned from making a pass through his hangout area. It did not go well for me. Since it was dark, and there is really no light other than two street lamps, one about half a block away, and the other about a block away on the other side of the bridge, where I met him, I could not really see very well until I got pretty close but as I passed by, he brazenly flaunted his company at me, or at least that's how it appeared to me. I decided to make a return pass just as soon as I got across the bridge and was able to make a U turn. As I passed again, there they were just as snug as can be. I raced the motor just enough to increase the speed, and darted out " like a bat out of hell". I was so flustered, I couldn't think, "Get a grip", I thought to myself.

Still fuming on the drive home, I could only think on how to retaliate, for him trashing me like that. The only thing I could come up with is to find yet another man, any man to flaunt at him on the morrow. But my real concern was that he probably cared a " hill of beans" if I did or not. I just wanted to rattle his cage, and knock some of those chips off of his broad shoulders. I decided to lick my wounds, and sleep on it.

The morning after:

Well, here I am again, and after a night's sleep, and after re-running the events of last night and also my intended reaction to it, I think I am going to suspend my activity for three days. Any other action on my part is not in my favor. After pulling my little tantrum last night, I feel this is the best course of action. But because I have made it a habit to see him everyday, or at least every other day, three days is going to be a marathon. Even though my resolve is peaking right now, after 24 hours, I'll be putty in his hands again. But I've got to try, because of all the courses of action that I have, after last night's emotional glitch, this is the one that can re-instate me with some dignity. After all, it was I who went into his space and not the other way.

I'm sinking fast folks, and grabbing at straws. I have put him on such a high pedestal that I can't handle the thought of him, well, rejecting me. I did not force myself to fall for him, it just happened. It's not his fault, but neither is it mine. What control have I over my heart? All my other acquaintences, and I hate this about myself, well, they are just that ,acquaintences. They were giving me what I wanted, but at a cost to me. Since my attraction is for rugged masculine men, this is what I have to deal with. What would be the purpose of me living with another gay man like myself as a couple. It would be mostly a convenient arrangement, usually financially supportive, in that we could have a nice home, a nice car, nice possessions, material, material, material. The chances of me cheating on him would be 100 percent. I know , I've been there, and I didn't like myself very much. I would rather just have the basics, which is what I have, just barely. I know the chances of me been partnered to a rugged masculine man are about zero. The closest I can get to this is having one on a regular basis.......................... Why did I even have to go down that road? Scratch that! Because then, I would have never met him.....................Well, if you have been able to stomach all this, thus far, "what a trooper" you are. Hopefully I'll have more on this next week, that is, if he hasn't already dumped me by then.


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