Homeless William

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A story about how I've been feeling lately

Submitted: November 13, 2011

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Submitted: November 13, 2011

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Homeless William

by Will Bothwell

If you talk to one of your friends and say "Hey, how's everything going?" chances are that he or she will reply "Good." How often do people actually mean it? The truth is, I would love to be happy, and I would love to tell people that I'm having a good time. But this semester has not been a good one for me emotionally. There's about a month left until the holidays and since summer, I really haven't felt happy deep inside.

I have never really been eager about literature or poetry, at least not as much as several of the people I went to high school with. I never really enjoyed reading or sticking around at those events in school where kids can read and share what they wrote. I never felt like I had a delightful dish for the potluck. I'm a nineteen year old part time city college student and I have always been a middle class white boy from a good family. It's not likely anyone wants to hear a story about the night the internet went down.

But now I actually feel enough pain to let my fingers dance all over my laptop's keyboard. But don't expect to find your mind in the worlds of John Steinback or Langston Hughes. If anything, you may see from the eyes of my favorite novel character, Holden Caulfield, from The Catcher in the Rye. He has the eyes that I've had to see my world from lately. The feelings I've felt consist of anger, confusion, and sadness.

This is all probably what I deserve for having a great summer. Nothing went wrong. I truly felt like I had everything that I wanted. but I probably only felt that way because the future looked beautiful. I was real good friends with a girl who I had met in college that year from hanging out with the same people. She and I had our own kind of friendship. I enjoyed it and treasured it. I was real happy to know that she treasured it too. She and I were always by each other's side and we were perfect definitions of true friends. I didn't care about anyone I didn't get along with because all that mattered to me was that I had some true friends like her to turn back to if I was ever upset and having this in the back of my head made me immune to anything depressing. 

Aside from her, I made some pretty good money that summer and I knew that things would look up for quite a while or so I thought I knew. But let alone the money, I made several people in my mom's office happy and knowing that I made them happy made me happy too. I knew that when the summer was over, I would return to a community of support, a.k.a., my friends.

Once the new semester began, it all fell apart. Prior to the start of the summer, I did something to my special friend that I never thought would be bad which was only so because I'm naive. This ruined our friendship for good. We went from laughter, companionship and joy to fighting, turmoil, and her not giving a dead horse's last shit about me This all happened when I dated her. Now that it didn't work out, she's emotionally obligated to think of me as an ex boyfriend and it overlaps the friend that I was and the person I am on the inside. It goes back to where people tend to misunderstand that I'm sensitive.

I didn't know what to do when she broke up with me. I didn't know what I was doing, what I wanted or what I should do or who I had left to talk to. It took me a while to figure out how to live with myself. It got better with time but I figured it out. That girl doesn't like metal so I blasted Megadeth and Pantera plus the Red Hot Chili Peppers released a new CD. But at the time, I wondered if she and I would still be friends.

A week after the breakup, I left her a bag with her stuff and a friendly letter. I let her family know that I appreciate how nice they were to me and told her that I hope we'll still be friends. The next day, when I was with everyone in the lounge, she went up to me and just said "this is for you" and gave me the game I was letting her borrow. In fact, she didn't give it to me, she dropped it in front of me. I wanted to tear up, I felt like she didn't even care about my presence anymore. I felt like I could get smashed by a cargo truck and she wouldn't care. She just came up to me just to return something, not to say hi. It's like she decided to throw me away from her life out into the cold like a candy wrapper.

Aside from her, I felt like I was a valuable member to the group of people I would hang out with. But this semester, I felt like a pawn. There are some new kids and one of them is much better of a man then me. He's very chill and he's good at playing guitar and violin. I tried to be friends with this kid but he's not very nice to me. He gives me a halfassed attitude, makes me sad. So he had a good first impression, but the longer I know someone, the less it matters. The past is over, what happens in the present is more important. This also applies to a new girl who was real nice when I first met her but she started being mean to me when I got to know her. I don't understand this about people. 

But other than that, I felt that I've had nothing interesting to me compared to everyone else and I feel left out. Sometimes I feel like I'm around just to be around. I feel like I've run out of virtues. The one thing I'm better than all those people at, drumming in Rock Band, is something that they all think is stupid. And nobody thinks that my jokes are funny anymore. I started to feel like a used cigarette. Someone even told me that everyone thinks I'm annoying and creeperish.

I've had feelings like this in high school too. Back then, I had plenty of moments where I felt left out and sad. I also had a day where I exploded and every other word that I said was fuck, shit, or something derogatory. I was hoping it would not continue onto college. Yet, I had plenty of moments where I felt like I didn't matter and here in college, I'm starting to feel that way again.

There have been times where I got attention lately, but not so much positive. Recently, a few people decided to duct tape themselves and escape by biting the tape off. Since I wasn't capable, they all said that I was not a man. I was also told that I'm not a man because I can't pass gas on command. I was also slapped by a glasses case in the hand and it hurt, and that girl who I was once true friends with questioned my pain as if I was a weakling. But does being a man really mean to be physically strong and disgusting? Will girls like it if I pass gas around them and think that I'm a man? So be it, I'm just a scrawny white boy.

I do also get attention when people are cracking jokes about me. People got a big laugh out of calling me gay and twisting my reactions. They also got a crack out of another joke. I react only to keep it up. Why? Because it seems that I need to be the victim of a joke to get an ounce of attention from anyone.

I also started to wonder if these people were really friends. Most of them haven't exactly been friends except for a few. One of them is truly in deserving of my praise. I met her on the bus last year going home from Anime Club. She's always been a true friend and I hope things between her and I will always be legit. She told me that I should distance myself from people who piss me off. Not only have I taken her advice, but now I've come to a better understanding who my true friends are and who I should care more about. She and her cousin have been very supportive of the way I've felt lately and they like me for who I am. I treasure these friends.

The club where I met most of the other people is no longer the club that I signed up for last Autumn. Back then, it was just me and a few other nice people and there was more of a laid-back nature. Now the club is full of assholes who are loud and obnoxious. But now that I've gone through this spiral of negativity, I ended up the one to be suspended from the club. I don't care anymore, I haven't had fun in that club lately. If they let me back in, I'm not going back.

Through it all, I may have eternally lost that good friend I had during the summer. Nowadays, I get along with her, but she tells me that it'll never be the same again. Of course it won't bet it can get better, and I guess she's too stubborn to understand. She was stubborn enough to tell me that friendships fade. I had the impression that she was trying to make reason for me to be out of her life. I thought that she still wanted to be friends, but I guess I was wrong. Some nights I find myself crying because of how lost I am in this.

I recently went to the mall with her and some other people. One guy was that guitar and violin expert who makes me look bad. He's going to replace me in her friend zone. And there's another guy who mistreated the hell out of her in the past and I have no idea why she acts cute with him. Even if she's faking it, it disgusts me to see that tool looking better than me. He is also an ex of hers and obviously, she doesn't have trouble talking to her. When we were at the mall, I just felt like the third wheel. It was like I wasn't even around at all. The guy who mistreated her is a jerk and he acts annoyingly studly around her and tells lies about other people, but he also reminds me so much of a kid I went to high school with and hated. He treated me like shit in basketball, he made a rude comment about kids with autism and he makes rude comments to other people and girls adore him while he acts cocky around them. Maybe I need to stop thinking of my life as a fairy tale and come to terms with the fact that the meanest fuckers will always win.

Nothing I ever do makes her happy anymore. I tried to buy her a plushie, but she's not accepting anymore. I tried to get her a stone with a Batman logo on it because she loves Batman, but she declined it to. I have a purple and yellow Batman shirt, but she doesn't like it just because it's purple and yellow. Before that, she was having some fun poking that jerk who I mentioned earlier. She said I'm not as fun to poke because I'm skinny. It seems that my existence is no longer important to her. She will be moving this summer and was even stubborn enough to say that when she leaves, she'll come to terms and won't miss us anymore.

I've wondered for weeks if there was anything good out there about to happen to me. I still wonder if things will get better. That's what I hope for Christmas more than anything else this year. I hope that things will be all better and straightened out. This semester, my heart has been damaged. While home is where the heart is, I have become Homeless William.


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