I was sitting right across from him, Dr. Carl Webber,
world renowned psychiatrist for the mentally ill, and as of
today the biggest pain in my ass. He'd been sitting there,
observing me for the past 10 minutes ever since I stepped foot
in this hell hole. He looked up at me and smiled the smile that
I had seen plastered on his face everyday in the hallways, I
wondered if he knew how to do anything other than smile.
"So, Jessie do you have anything that you want to get out
in the open before we start?"
"This is ridiculous."
"Perhaps something positive."
"I see." There he went writing something down on that
stupid notepad that was sitting on his lap. He caught me
looking and smiled, "Would you like to see?" Did he honestly
just ask me that?
"Its your records isn't it?"
"You should be entitled to look at them shouldn't you?"
"I suppose so, but isn't it confidential."
"Confidential to everyone else, but not to you. You have
every right to see what I'm writing down Jessie." I was starting to lean forward when I realized that he was trying to
make me trust him by making me think that I had control. I
backed away and he frowned at me. I had never seen him do that
to anyone before. He leaned back in his chair and regarded me
for a few moment before speaking again. "Jessie?"
"Because everyone thinks that I'm fucking crazy."
"Alright the first rule in my office is no coarse
language, got it?"
"And no one thinks your crazy Ms. Martells, everyone is
just looking out for your well being."
"Or their pay checks."
"Touché." I laughed, for the first time since I had been
here. He smirked and moved from his chair, leaving his notepad
and pen behind. I kept an eye on him as he strolled over to the
mantel piece, and took the stuffed bear that had been resting
there. He handed it to me and than took his seat again, but he
didn't touch the notepad or the pen this time.
"What is this?" What did he want me to do with this? I
had no use for the creature.
"That would be my daughters favourite toy."
"And your giving this to me why?"
"She reminds me of you.'
"And how do you figure that?"
"She needs something secure to hold onto when she feels
"I don't want to cry."
"When she's alone."
"I'm not alone."
"When she needs someone to talk to." I had nothing to say
to that, I was stumped.
"What was here name?"
"How come she doesn't need it anymore?"
"She past away."
"I think our time is up Jessie."
"Can I keep the bear." He grinned down at me.
"You most certainly can."
Why did they still bother me with things about her? She
was in that hospital for a reason, I trusted them, and they
still thought that I needed a play by play of what happened to
her, I was still getting over the fact that my ex- girlfriend
had killed someone, and it didn't help that that someone was
my girlfriend. I can't say that I didn't still think about her
cause that would be a lie, Jessie had been a big part of my
life, nothing will ever change that, not even the murder. I
guess the what they say is true "You don't the dream life, but
you get pretty close." Man, I swear to god that if I would have
known exactly what that meant when I first starting dating
Jessie, I would have given up girls all together. Man isn't
that the truth of it. One crazy bitch and your set for life.
Why do I feel like ripping the head off this teddy bear?
God it makes me think of her. Sarah. Why'd she have to get in
the way? If she hadn't happened than I wouldn't be in this hell
hole, having meetings with a therapist who thinks that I have
some great psychological problem, when the only problem I seem
to have is my jealousy.
"Jessie, Dr. Webber is ready to see you." Oh yeah me. I
get to go and sit in an office and watch some educated
professional stare at me for the next hour.
I always wondered why they painted the halls white,
according to Webber it was designed that way to keep the
patients calm, apparently white was the colour of sanity. Well
if that is true that I have but one question, Why on earth
would you paint an entire institute of insane people with the
colour of sanity? Unless of course your twisted, which I
wouldn't put past any of the nurses here.
His office smelled much like the scented candles that my
mother used to burn whenever she was doing yoga, and as I
walked towards his desk I realized that one was alight on top
of it. I made my way over to it, and pasted my hand through the
flame, when Webber walked in, he glanced in my direction and
than took a seat, watching my every movement until I paused,
hand poised above the flame.
"Yes?" What was he staring at, I wasn't the only person
who liked to play with fire.
"What are you doing Jessie?"
"Tempting the flame out of hiding."
"And why would the flame be hiding Jessie?"
"Because its afraid to show what it really is." He
regarded me after that statement. His eyes seemed to be trying
to look beneath my skin, trying ever so desperately to get into
"Is that what you did?"
"Why would I hide, I know what I am."
"And what exactly is that Jessie?"
"A person who knows what she wants, and won't stop till
she gets it."
"Is that all?"
"Well you have my record you tell me."
" Your record so far only tells me one thing."
"And what is that?"
"That you killed an innocent young women."
"She wasn't fucked innocent, she was a lying, conniving,
"Is that what you tell yourself?"
"She did nothing to you Jessie, you didn't even know her
until you killed her."
"I knew her."
"And what did you know that she was dating your ex
"He was mine."
"No he wasn't."
"Yes, he fucking was. He was. She had no right to take
him from me. She deserved to die. I should have tortured her.
Laughed as the blood dripped from her body, and still been
cutting her while she was begging for my mercy."
Tears were falling down my cheeks, and it didn't even
matter anymore. I paced to the opposite end of the room and
threw my fist into the wall. I could feel the blood trickle
down my hand as the nurse came in the room, and as she carried
my out a droplet fell to the ground, that was the last thing
that I saw before they sedated me.
"Mackinnon and Moore Law firm, how may I help you?"
"Can you please put me through to Mr. Carter?"
"Can I ask whose speaking?"
"Dr. Carl Webber."
I picked up the phone the second I heard my secretary
utter that name. She quickly left the line, and my full
attention towards Webber.
"What is it?"
"I have a theory that I would like to run by you."
"I would like you to come to one of Jessie's sessions."
"Why is my presence mandatory?"
"Because I believe that you are the key to unlocking the
truth from Jessie."
"And what made you come up with that?"
"You were her motivation, maybe you could also be her
"Your wasting your time Webber. Jessie is incurable."
"And why is that?"
"You could not hope could to get into her mind, and even
if you did you wouldn't last more than five seconds before she
drove you to her level of insanity."
"She's not insane."
"Yeah and I'm the king of the world." Silence filled the
void. "Stop trying Webber, she's not worth saving." That was
when I hung up, leaving him on the other line, with his stupid
theory, I said it was stupid and yet the thought of her getting
better, of finally knowing the truth drove me to think about
the possibility of calling Webber and announcing my agreement
to test his theory. What if he was right?
"I've invited Damon to come this Friday."
"He won't come."
"And how do you know that?"
"Cause if he cared he'd be here now." The look in his
eyes suggested that I had hit the target. Damon didn't care
about me anymore than he cared about his clients, he used them
for money, and he had used me for sex.
"Well he said if he had time he'd stop by."
"He doesn't have time."
"Well maybe he'll make time."
"He has sex nailed down to 6 minutes, and that includes
the time it takes him to get undressed, dressed, and be out he
door. So I highly doubt he has time for anything but himself."
"You doubt those who have faith in you."
"No I doubt those who doubt me." Silence again. I thought
he would be better at this, but he was a push over, nothing
"Is that a fact or a theory?"
"Really and how did you manage to prove that?"
"By not falling for anyone who appears to be anything
more than easy game."
"And yet you fell for Damon."
"He was different."
"What makes him different? Last time I checked he was
just another lawyer, in some law firm, in downtown Ottawa. Did
I leave anything out?"
"No, I think you just about covered it." I got to my feet
and walked towards the door, turned to add to my previous
statement, "By the way he was a boxer, just for the records."
I was pacing my study. I haven't paced since I won the
Coleman case when I first came here. Should I go? The thought
had been running through my head all week, and here it was,
Friday, 2:00pm, a half an hour before Jessie's session still
debating whether or not to show up. If I do it will be the
first time that I see her since the murder, six months ago. I
moved across the room, and jabbed the numbers into the hey pad.
"Hello, Jackson Ward."
"Damon Carter, he's expecting my call."
"One moment." Hearing the receiver pick up on the other
end, and than the click signify that the secretary had
disconnected herself from the line.
"Webber does that theory still want a test run?"
"Are you offering to help me, help her?"
"I'm offering you a chance to see what your up against."
"Thanks for the warning, but I can take care of myself
"Yes, we will Mr. Carter. See you in a few." I don't know
if that was the stupid or brilliant, but the thought of seeing
her went from making me anxious, to making me want to cancel.
But, I knew that I had to go through with this. I owed her this
There she was, Ms. Penny Lacombe, my personal bitch. I
almost felt sorry for her, she was middle aged, looked about
sixty, and half the time I swear she wanted to throw something
at me. Even as she walked over to me with a smile on her face I
knew she was thinking of about a hundred and one ways to maim,
kill me, and hide the body. We were actually a lot more similar
than she let on. She took my hand and spoke in a whisper tone,
as if she was going to upset me or something along those lines.
"Dr. Webber would like to see you."
"What did I do?"
"You'll have to ask him when you see him, come on now,
let's not keep him waiting."
"How about let's." The look she gave me was pure
unadulterated hate, and I looked every second of it.
I can't say that I was eager to go to his office, but
something about today felt different, and for some reason I
knew that I would find out why when I got inside that office.
Penny knocked and than swung open the door for me,
revealing two heads instead of one. I strolled into the office,
pretending to not to be upset by the invasion that I felt creep
through my body.
"Ah Jessie, I have a surprise for you."
"And what would that be another shrink to help you
"No actually this is someone you know."
"I know a lot of people." That was when he turned around.
Damon. He was in this office. He had came, made the time for
it, not a chance.
"What is he doing here?"
"I wanted to see how you would react to his presence."
"Do you want a blood bath? cause I don't think that these
are stain resistant carpets."
"You couldn't hit me, even if you tried."
"Don't be so sure of yourself Damon."
"Boys and girls play time is over, now would you both
take a seat."
"He started it."
"Real mature Jess."
"You know what I didn't ask you to be here."
"You didn't, he did?" Damon pointed over towards Webber,
and that was the moment that I knew I had been wrong to even
consider trusting him.
"And why is that?"
"Jessie whether or not you like it, Damon does play a
part in your life, whether it be major or minor, it is still
"I don't know what your taking about."
"You don't want to know, but you still do, and deep
inside you know it just as much as everyone in this room does."
I was infuriated, about to blow, and he was right within
"Man your smart. I had to kill someone before that
statement was obvious."
"No, that was just your twisted way of letting us know,
cause talking to someone was just so last month."
"She had it coming anyways."
"She was innocent and you know it." He was wrong. They
were both wrong. I knew why I did it, and I wasn't going to say
sorry for it either.
"She needed to be taught a lesson."
"Your mental, twisted, and sick."
"She flaunted it in my face."
"She was in New York, what'd she do teleport."
"And what you're the boy next door?"
"May I cut in?" I watched as both of us turned towards
Webber, eyes alit with unresolved anger. "Jessie why don't you
try telling Damon something that you keep bottled up."
"Why did you cheat on my, dump me, and than introduce me
to her? Just to prove you weren't lying?"
"Just thought that you would want to know, sorry for
trying to be considerate."
"Considerate, you never gave me a second thought, and by
the way six minutes is not sex, six minutes is a hard boiled
"Well what can I say, you just weren't worth more six." I
reached out and felt the impact as my hand hit his face. I
heard a crick sound as it snapped back, and the red mark on his
face, was priceless.
"No but that was more than you'll ever be worth to me."
"You not even worth that."
"Not that's right, I'm your little mistress, only good
when you need me, than discarded till the next time you feel
the urge to use me again."
"Do you blame me?"
"Yes I do."
"I don't need this bullshit, I told you Doc. Its useless,
she's a lost cause that everyone has already forgotten about."
"You're the reason-" He was already out the door before I
finished, and I was glad.
"Reason?" I swung back around, and there he was, Webber.
"You know what I'm sick of hiding it so here you go, I
killed her out of pure hatred. She took away from me the one
thing I ever loved and didn't even have the balls to tell me
that she was sorry. So before you and every other person in
this building passes their judgement on me, I have just one
thing to say, It takes two to tango."
Could she be anymore of a child? She blames her murdering
someone on me. I knew going to that place had been a stupid
idea, but what she did doesn't even begin to describe how much
I hate her.
"please, I don't even know you."
"Oh you know me."
"What ever I did, I'm sorry."
"Sorry isn't good enough babe." I could feel my hand get
weaker but I just wouldn't stop. I would pulled it out of her
and than raised my arm back and plunged it in again. Damon came
in and pulled me away from her, and that was when I realized
that she had about three times the stab marks that I had
anticipated. Damon walked over to me and started to shake me,
asked me what was wrong with me. That was when the paramedics
showed up. That was how I ended up here.
I opened my eyed and looked around to see where I was,
slowly pulling myself out of the dream world. She had said that
she was sorry, and I had still killed her. I now know why I
couldn't forget her face. Guilt. I had to get something off my
chest, but where were my clothes, fuck it.
It was freezing outside and yet the wind didn't even seem
to faze me in the slightest bit. I practically ran out of that
joint and down the street, till I was out of sight. I must have
ran at least 2 km before I reached my destination. I opened the
iron gates, and walked up through the fields of flowers,
stopping at her grave.
SARAH MICHELLE GIBBS
MARCH 18, 1985- APRIL 23, 2006
BELOVED DAUGHTER, SISTER, AND FRIEND
WE'LL MISS YOU
I owed her an apology, but I had no clue where to start.
So I bent of to the grave and stared at it, all my anger slowly
rising within me. Than I felt it come through me and all of a
sudden I started to cry as I uttered words I hadn't told anyone
since I had killed her.
"You brought this on yourself you know, and yet their
right you were innocent. I had only met you once and yet I
thought that you were trying to ruin my life in every possible
way. I blamed you for everything I could fix, and for
everything that seemed like it was impossible to fix. You died in by my hands, and know I wish it would have been me." Tears
streamed down my face, and when I could finally raise my head I
saw Damon on the other side of that iron gate, and as he waved
I knew that I was one step closer to being me again.
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