Whiskey and a Funeral

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is the story of Lucas who attends his fairly new girlfriend's Aunt's funeral. He isn't exactly eager to attend and can't find it within himself to be sympathetic since he does not necessarily see a future with her. He gets drunk and makes smart ass comments most of the funeral. He finds it within himself that maybe there's something more to this girl and begins a dramatic change in his entire personality as the reader will see.
You will visit the mind of a narcissistic and sarcastic man child who gradually forces himself out of old habits and with some humor and wit, maybe even grow to like him.

Submitted: January 02, 2017

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Submitted: January 02, 2017

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I stood at the very back of Carol Mc-Whats-her-face’s wake, slowly reaching into my pockets for my half full bag of Doritos. With every single bite, the entire room would look back at me in disgust. I just looked away and gave a half-assed awkward smirk and shrug. Sometimes I’d mouth “I’m sorry”, but eventually, chip after chip, I stopped. This happened over thirty times within the past twenty minutes. I tried snapping the chips into small pieces in between my fingers so they couldn’t make a huge sound in my mouth and all these fuckers could stop looking at me, but it was one of my last chips. And it was big. I brought the entire chip into my mouth hastily, wiping my now free hands on my black pants. Suddenly, I felt the chip stop somewhere midway in my throat. It scratched the sides every time I tried to swallow harder. My entire throat started closing up. Fuck.

I turned to my left, seeing a small boy in a suit and tie, facing forward, not even looking at me. I tried waving my arms a little. Hey, hey kid! Look at me! Come, on. I waved harder. 

His eyes widened, though his eyes were still fixed on the priest. He then slowly turned his head towards me and placed his finger over his mouth. “SHHHHH!” He turned away angrily and carefully folded his hands back onto his lap. His mother looked at me and put her arm around him, as if protecting her dearest piece of shit from the oh-so-evil-twenty-three-year-old-choking-on-a-dorito. I should be putting an arm around my self to protect myself from you. Bitch. I turned to the right and saw an older woman sitting alone. She was all in black except for her shoes that were bright red. Her hair was tied up in bun that held her hair back so tightly I was surprised she could even think. I started coughing uncontrollably, continuing to swallow as often as I could. I’m choking, guys! Anyone? Do you want two funerals? I mean you probably do. I’m sorry about the Doritos thing, but this is brutal punishment- is what I wanted to say, but not a single person looked my way. I started to cough a little louder. I didn’t want to bother anyone, but I don’t think I can breathe.

I felt a hand on the back of my shoulder. “Lucas.” I heard her whisper. “You need to shut the fuck up.”

I started violently patting at my chest and motioning towards my throat. “Stop. It. You. Are. Embarrassing. Me.” Addie rolled her eyes and walked back to her seat which was only a few rows ahead. Again, not trying to disrupt the funeral, I got up, which I thought was slowly, but apparently not. My legs full force came up and jolted sideways, kicking back the chair and hitting the older woman next to me. She gave a small shriek, if you could call it that. It sounded more like an old rocking chair mixed with a dying cat. The priest stopped, the room looked back at me. I swallowed and the chip went down smoothly. Of course. 

“Uh, I think I was choking. Sorry ‘bout that, guys. False alarm, I’m alive! You can, uh, get back to your thing.” I sat back down, clasping my hands and giving a small smile. I let my right hand go up signaling to the priest he could continue. Addie shot me a dirty look from her seat. I waved to her then focused my attention back on the priest, lifting another chip in my mouth. Addie stood up violently and walked over to me as if she was on a mission. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into another room. 

“What the hell?” 

“What?” I tried to read her face. She looked pale and her eyes were bloodshot. Carol was her aunt, who sort of helped raise her since her mother left. Carol died from an ongoing battle with cancer a few nights ago. Addie was fucking me when she found out. She hasn’t really been able to look me in the eye since. Probably because she felt guilty she wasn’t home with her, which I understood. “I’m sorry, did you want one? I only have two left, but that’s love babe. Right here. Sharing your Doritos. Take it or leave it.” I laughed a little while she let out a deep sigh, rolling her eyes so far back into her head I thought she was about to have a seizure. 

I was only dating Addie for a few weeks and honestly, I knew nothing about her, other than the fact that this girl fucking hated my guts. At least she acted like it. I have no idea what she was doing with me because there wasn’t a moment where I felt she enjoyed my company. Honestly, I don’t know if there was a moment where I really enjoyed hers either, but hey, she was there. I think we both realized we had no one else and decided to stay out of comfort. Not to say I didn’t like the girl, I did. I liked the attention she would give me, I liked having someone to call to get food with at 1 A.M., I liked having someone to play video games with, I liked having someone to fuck. But sometimes I wish she wasn’t that someone or my only someone. I’d find myself hoping another girl would come up and talk to me. I’d make small talk with random girls at the local bars and just hope they would make a move. They never did. 

She was the best I had. Maybe it was selfish, but she wasn’t so innocent herself. She’d go off to bars and I’d find over ten new guys following her on Instagram. They’d comment on her pictures like wolves, saying shit like, “Wow so thankful I met you last night, you’re so fucking sexy.” She’d turn her head and check other guys out in front of me, which kind of pissed me off at first, but then I started doing the same. Sometimes she would flirt and make random commentary with waiters or random guys at bars. Actually, any guy. Sometimes I’d take it to the next level and say something sly like, “Jesus look at that girl. The things I’d do-“ She’d just roll her eyes and sigh. She’d quickly change the topic to pretend she wasn’t hurt or jealous. But the rest of the night she’d give me out word answers and wouldn’t let me touch her. 

She shoved my hand holding out the chip and crossed her arms. “This isn’t the fucking time, Lucas. How much of a dick can you possibly be? This is my MOM’S FUNERAL!” Her voice started lifting, I could almost feel the anger vibrating off her. I shivered. “Wasn’t she your aunt?” 

“LUCAS.” She opened her mouth slightly, as if she was about say something, raised an eyebrow, and let out a small laugh. “You know what. Not even fucking worth it. Get out. I’ll see you later.”

“Addie, I’m sorry. It’s just hard, I don’t really know anyone here and the choking thing and you know, not ONE person offered to help? Oh, sure, they turn around when i’m chewing but god forbid i’m about to choke and die and-“ She showed no facial expression. She continued to have her arms folded over her chest. “I promise, I’ll get my shit together.” I tried.

“Do whatever you want.” She let out softly. Her eyes began to fill, it appeared like a layer of glass over her eyes as she looked everywhere but me. She bit her lip carefully and placed her hands in frustration over her face, pulling at her skin. I watched tears roll down the sides of her face, leaving a trail of black. She turned her head away from me so that I couldn’t see she was crying. 

“I can’t believe she’s gone.” She finally whispered after what seemed like centuries of silence. I wrapped my arms around her, pushing her head onto my shoulder as I felt her shaking. I started playing with her hair, wrapping it around my fingers and then releasing it; watching her hair go from straight to a slight curl. 

“I have something to cheer you up a bit.” She pulled away a little, wiping her smudged eyeliner. 

“Yeah?” her voice steadied. I pulled out a water bottle full of what looked like liquid gold and in a way, it was. 

“You brought whiskey?” Her eyes lit up a bit, searching my face for a quicker response than my words. 

“You bet your cute ass I did.” I opened the bottle roughly and brought it to my lips. She watched eagerly, waiting for her turn. She motioned to me to head to the men’s bathroom. I followed, without putting the bottle down. I felt it running down my scratched up throat, forcing every gulp down. My body instantly tried rejecting it, but I kept pouring more down. “Jesus this is awful. Times like these I really wouldn’t mind getting some pina colada. Would you make fun of me?” I said passing the bottle over to her. She pulled on my collar, leading me into the stall. 

“Probably.” She let out in-between her gulps as she locked the door behind us. I sat down next to the toilet, leaning my head on the back of the stall looking at all the writing on the walls. Most of them were signatures or stupid shit like “MARK WAS HERE- HAHA NO HE WASN’T” I moved a little closer, tracing them with my finger. “I always wondered what asshole brings a pen with him into the bathroom and decides to write these. Especially in a funeral home, come on.” I said still studying the writing. 

“I wrote that one way up over there when I was 18.” Addie pointed to the top left. It was in purple pen in all capitol letters saying, “A+D RIP D.F.” 

“Before I even ask, how many times have you been in the men’s bathroom?” I lifted an eyebrow looking back at her. She smirked a little as she played with her fingers, interlocking them carefully.

“I was here when Dan died. I was sitting right here.” Her hands fell to her sides, feeling the dirty floors as though she was bringing herself back to that very moment. “I had some weed, but I was alone. Don’t worry.” She tried reassuring me with a quick pat on the shoulder. 

“Man, and here I thought I’d get a cool sex story.” I smirked. I then paused and stopped myself. “I’m sorry, Addie.” I tried. I put my arm around her, letting my head fall on top of hers. I knew her five-year-boyfriend Dan meant the world and stars to that girl. She tried not to talk about him for my sake, but you can just kind of tell these things. He committed suicide right after graduation. Never left her a note or any sort of goodbye. They were supposed to go backpacking to Europe or something stupid. She never really went into detail about it, but she’d call his name in her sleep. She looked over at me and pulled my arm away from her. She grabbed my face, pulling it closer to hers and kissed me as hard as she could, as she started to climb on top of me. She let out small moans as she tried unbuttoning my shirt. 

“Here, let me-“ I tried unbuttoning my shirt so fast that my fingers kept getting stuck under the buttons. “Fuck. Hold on, I can do this.” I started laughing to ease the awkwardness. She started kissing my neck and biting my skin, pulling it back, then apologizing by kissing it again. 

“Okay, I got it.” I started kissing her back, allowing my fingers to tie knots in her hair, pulling it slightly. “If you have a pen, we could leave our mark here too.” I said in-between kisses. 

She stopped. She started looking around the stall and back at the bottle. She put her finger into her mouth and bit the edges of her skin around the nail. She was just sitting there straddling me. 

“What?” I interrupted her thought as she jumped a little, looking back at me. 

“I don’t think I can do this.” She climbed off of me and stood up, stretching her legs and her arms which flew over her head. She let out a sigh as she fixed her dress, pressing down to get rid of the wrinkles. 

“I’m confused. Like…this or our relationship?” I let out with a quiet smirk, hiding my aggravation, as I stood up with her. I tried grabbing her hand, but she flew it back. 

“I’ll see you in there.” She kissed my cheek and walked out. 

Okay, what the hell? I looked around the stall, lingering my eyes on her writing on the top, with her stupid purple ink. I buttoned my shirt and fixed my tie as I walked over to the mirror. Was it my face?  I studied myself in the mirror, pushing straightening my shirt and pressing down on it.

 

I heard the door swing open. I quickly turned on the faucet to pretend I was washing my hands instead of just analyzing myself in the mirror. I looked over and let out a smile to the older man who walked in. He had a grey suit on and carried a cane that shook every time he lifted it from the ground. I suddenly felt the whiskey hit. “Helllloooo!” Dammit, you sound too happy. Tone it down, dude. “Ahem, hello.”Robert, is it? 

“Ah, Lucas. How are you and Addie? Is she holding up alright?” I gave an overeager nod. “It’s Frank.” He corrected, as he ran his shaking hands under the faucet water. 

“Have we met before or something?” 

“Briefly, when you picked up Addie few weeks back. I’m her grandfather. Nice to meet you.” He paused and smiled. “Again.”

“Oh, well…” I scratched the back of my head and let my arm fall out to meet his. We shook sloppily for a second and my hand fell back to my sides. “To be honest sir, I could have been under the influence a tad bit.”

“You know, Addie loved Carol more than anything.” He ignored my comment. “Must mean everything to her that you’re here. Sometimes you don’t have to say the right thing, just your company is enough.” 

I couldn’t help but think how Addie would have been better off without me there. I looked down at my shoes and nodded.

There was a long pause as he reached over for the paper towels placed next to the sink. 

“I don’t think she wants me here. I invited myself.” I blurted out as if it had been pining in me for hours. Which it was.

“She wants you here. Everyone needs someone around to look after them, even if they don’t wan to admit it.” He walked over to be and patted my shoulder like Addie had done before. “Just give her a hug. Let her know you’re there. That’s all you gotta do.” He let out a short smile and walked out. I let the bottle reach my lips once again and closed my eyes tightly. Why was she so upset? Why was this fucking bothering me so much? You don’t even give a shit about the girl, who cares. I continued saying the over and over again in my mind until it stuck. Who cares, who cares, who cares.My blood turned to alcohol by the time I walked out of the bathroom. I searched the room for Addie, but she was nowhere to be found. I had this feeling hitting the pit of my stomach and I know it was more than the whiskey. I just wanted to be there for her to make up for being a dick before. 

“Heeeeey, it’s the dude who was choking! You alright there, buddy?” A random guy who looked like he’d only be a few years younger than I was jumped over to me. His tie was around his neck and his shirt was half tucked in, half coming out of his pants. “I choked on my own spit once. I’m Tom.”

“That’s cool.” My eyes were still searching for Addie. I began to pull out my phone to send her a text. 

“So, you’re like Addie’s boyfriend or whatever, right? That’s pretty cool. What bands are you into?”

I ignored Tom, tuning in and out of his voice as I went back and forth from my phone to scanning the room delicately. 

“-I mean, I guess when people ask I say alternative rock but I’m also really into indie and classic rock, you know? But I can listen to anything. I have some rap, some pop-“

“Have you seen Addie?” I interrupted.

“Nah, I saw her walk into the bathroom with some guy…wait, was that you? DUUUDE! Nice!”

 

I ignored him, rolling my eyes, giving into his high five, which was half-assed. I walked further into the crowed of people. They were all in black passing forth awkward pats on the back and tissues. They were all scattered around the room in tiny groups mumbling some bullshit like, “She’s in a better place” and “ Yeah, she fought hard, she’s a hero.”  I started thinking about all the random lines we fed each other just to make ourselves feel better. How the one’s who knew her best were hiding out in the bathroom or back of the room, while her neighbor’s best friends’s cousin was bawling her eyes out next to the coffin, clenching her fists to her chest. She was around eighteen I’d imagine. I walked over casually and placed my hand on the small of her back. 

“She’s in a better place.”

She sniffled a few times while tightening her eyes. “She really is. I like to imagine she’s surrounded by daisy’s and sugar cookies.” she placed her hands back to her sides and turned over to me, wiping away her tears and giving an awkward laugh.

“Yeah, she loved daisy’s.” I said with half a smile. To be honest, I have no idea what she liked. She could have been allergic to flowers for all I knew. I don’t think it mattered how well I knew her, she just wanted someone to say some uplifting shit and agree with everything she said. People just wanted someone there to listen. 

“Do you have any nice memories with her?” She coughed a little, looking back at me eagerly.

“Um, yeah, a ton. I really just can’t even choose.” I lied, fixing my thumbs together back and forth, the more anxious I felt, the quicker they spun around each other. Get. Out. Of. Here. 

“Tell me one, I’d love to know more about her close friends.” She smiled politely as she grabbed my hand and brought me back to a chair. She sat down as if there was glass on the chair she was trying to avoid, as she fidgeted in her tight black dress and kept moving back and forth. She’d eye the room then return her eyes back to me every other minute. I wasn’t drunk enough for this.

“Well,” I sat up confidently, raising my eyebrow and allowing my hands to move up with my voice. I tried thinking about the saddest shit I could remember. 

That time you found Rebecca in bed with Matt. That time you heard your mother crying in her room all night because she thought you didn’t love her. That time your hamster died. That time you lost the spelling bee in first grade for misspelling crayon. “She was Addie’s aunt. More like her mom, honestly. I didn’t really get to meet her…” I felt her losing interest and looking around the room to find someone else to speak to. 

“But this one time, she drove us on a date, you know, just for fun as if we were back in high school. She brought us over by the Montclair movie theater. She told us to buckle up and did the whole awkward parent small talk thing. She asked what my major was, how classes were, did I like my professors, was the school food edible. I think this was around the time she already knew she was dying. She really wanted to be as involved in Addie’s life as much as possible. She’d always come in the room, half the time we were making out and it got kind of awkward, but she was always welcoming. She always looked at me like I was something special, you know? I never had a parent look at me the way she did. Like she liked me.” Half of that was real, half of that was fake. But whatever was said, the girl put her arm on my leg and smiled sympathetically. 

“Of course she liked you. You and Addie are really cute.” She smiled again and started to fix her dress, smoothing it downwards towards her knees.

“You must be starving, have you been here all morning?” She finally managed to say after a long pause.

“Uh, yeah. But it’s alright, I think we’re getting dinner later.” 

“Here, I have some peanuts that I brought from home, but I’m not hungry. You can have them. I’m gonna go stand by Ellie and Mark, alright? You okay over here?” She was already getting up, picking up the lipstick from her purse. I probably could have been having a heart attack and she wouldn’t look up. 

“Yeah, i’ll be fi-“ I started to mumble under my breath until I realized she already left. Bitch.

I started pulling hastily at the bag of peanuts for a good two minutes until my fingers started to burn. Do I need to be a doctor to open a bag of peanuts? Is this some intense surgery? I saw a pen by the table near the chair, and tried stabbing it a few times. It failed. I put the pen in my pocket  and continued to pull. It eventually teared them open from the corner and they began to fall all over the floor. I froze and looked around the room instantly. Not a single person turned around, thank God. 

I started throwing peanuts into my mouth. I’d toss one up as high as I could go and more often than not, it would hit a lamp or a person, and sometimes, and put an emphasis on sometimes, it would land in my mouth. 

I looked over and finally saw Addie heading my way. She looked calmer than before. She kept getting stopped by random people who would come up to her giving their condolences and a bunch of hugs. She would awkwardly hug them back then look at me and wrinkle her forehead, signaling for help. I

I threw one last peanut into the air and tilted my head back nonchalantly before getting up to rescue Addie from the moths. Before I knew it, I felt the familiar tightening of my throat before the peanut even got inside of it. Instantly, I started breathing outwards, and the peanut fell right into my throat, feeling stuck to the side. Not again.

I started coughing and wailing my arms vigorously around looking at Addie. I mouthed “help” and “get the fuck over here…NOW” but she wasn’t catching on. She looked at me as if to say, “Stop fucking around and come over here.” She kept motioning her hands towards me then pointing back next to her. I tried shaking my head and shaking my pointer finger back and forth. By the time I realized Addie wasn’t going to come over, I started punching right under my ribs while swallowing and coughing continuously. 

The same Bitch-Peanut-Girl-Who-Wants-To-Kill-Me from before came over, her eyes were wide, then her eyebrows narrowed down. 

“You’re seriously disrupting the wake.” She said without stopping. I started pointing to my throat again, and she barely looked at me, walking straight to Addie.I ran to the bathroom, putting my head into the sink and drinking the water as much as I could, but the angle wasn’t really working out. I took out my bottle of whisky and poured the rest into my mouth then switched back to the water in the sink. Finally, I felt the peanut move and slide down my throat with no hesitation. The same old man from before walked into the bathroom while my head was still in the sink.

“I saw you were choking, so I came back as fast as I could to see if you were alright. These damn people are all worried about the dead they don’t even think about the living, huh?” he joked. He came by and patted my back hard. “Making sure it’s all out.”

“Thank you so much. Second time I choke and not a single person came by.” 

“What did I tell you? Everyone needs someone around.” He gave a small sympathetic smile and headed back to the wake. 

I sluggishly fell to the floor, my head pressed up against the sink. I heard the door open again, but refused to open my eyes. I’ll let them think i’m dying. Thanks to these fuckers, I could have been.

 It was Addie. 

“Lucas, what the hell? Why did you just ditch me? I told you to come back by me and then nothing. Nope. Nothing. You sit there playing with food then dance around and run back to the bathroom, just LEAVING me there when it was so obvious that I needed you and-“

She continued mumbling. Her words tuned out as I concentrated on my breath and watched it go in and out. I let out a smile and opened my eyes. I watched her go on and on how much of a dick I was and how she deserved better. She was right. I had to be better, especially today. Just for one day.

“What?” She demanded. 

I got up and walked over to her. She was beautiful. I gave a hug and just let my arms rest on her for a minute. I felt her relax into me and breathe heavily.“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” 

“You’re here now, right?” She said in almost a scared tone. 

“You bet your cute ass I am.”

“I’m sorry about before-“ She tried in-between sobs. “It just sucks being here…again.”

“I know, I know. I want you to tell my about them. I want to know more, you know?”

She walked over to me smiling, and grabbed my hand. We headed back into the stall, dropped back down to the floor, and stared at the wall.

“You have any nice memories with them?” 

“I have a ton.” She jumped onto her knees and faced me. We sat there for a few hours until I heard every moment, every mannerism, every quirk, their favorite food, their favorite bands, what they were allergic to, how they liked to sleep. I knew it all. I sat there taking it in, listening to her talk with her hands flying around, her grin never leaving her face. 

I got up,  kissed the top of her head and pulled out a pen from my pocket. She didn’t say anything, she just watched me in confusion.I wrote at the very top right corner of the wall:

“Rest In Peace Carol Hannigan and Dan Fletcher. I hope there are plenty of daisy’s and sugar cookies in heaven. From, Lucas and Addie.”

I sat back down next to her, she smiled and laid her head back on my shoulder. We didn’t say a word, we just enjoyed each other’s company. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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