Days of Being

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Looking through a different lens at myself.

Submitted: November 22, 2011

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Submitted: November 22, 2011

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Every time I write this, I grow tired or some other reason comes into play and I somehow switch off and just forget about it. But taking that the feeling is still fresh in my mind, I will write as much as possible, fighting the alternative which is to sink into deep sleep.

 

Nothing can ever replace that moment of realization, the point where you know that whatever you are feeling for some one has to end because there is no reciprocation. It’s a tough moment no doubt but believe me everything that comes after is easier.


What I wanted to really write about are the moments leading up to that. That’s the tricky part.


Some people believe in liking someone when they first meet them, some believe feelings have to be nurtured over time.

 

For me, I don’t know what to believe. I believe that perhaps due to my lack of experience I’m perhaps a bit desperate? I wish not but it is difficult to be objective when the subject is you yourself.

 

I have liked girls in different points in my life but have rarely taken action, and the ones I did, so far have not really turned out so well. Both have rejected me and moved on to someone they pine of whom they sometimes confide in me. It’s kind of hard at times to empathize with the pain of someone you like because of what emotionally you are going through with them.


So you bite your teeth, hard and just let time pass. But it is important to note that time does not heal all wounds, it just makes it easier to live with as your memories of the person gets hazier.

 

However, what is difficulty of rejection, beyond the obvious is what it triggers within me.  Seeing her saying no just reminds me of what I should have done, could have done or not have done.

 

It is really difficult to continue, I always seem to wish to stop, but I shall push on.

 

The light of the days grows darker with each passing moment. No longer do I wake with the brimming optimism that I used to have. I try to draw happiness from the things that are constant and routine.


My friend reminds me that it is impossible to retreat from the world and one of the person who I liked encouraged me to live a full life and experience it.

 

The sad realization I had of all this is that none of these pains and frustration were not born out of an actual relationship but only having a one sided affection. I have grown weary of this strong pull in my chest whenever she says something or does something but forcing myself to interpret it in the most objectionable manner possible.

 

It feels lonely at times when you see the world moving past you. People you have feelings for telling you they are frustrated why this person they recently met can’t feel the way they do, or they are pining over someone who will never return feelings the way they hoped.


Telling you that they rarely say these things to other people but for some reason are able say it to you. And all you can do out of all this is just look at them, holding back every possible emotion and just give a listening ear or some friendly advice on how you would approach it in their shoes.

 

What’s worse is when you find out more about the people they are pining after, and you tell yourself: how can you compete with THAT?

 

THAT figure becomes an illusive mystery in your life, and soon enough you will be thinking of them as much as the person you like.

 

So I keep asking myself, what is the solution? What can I do to make this feeling that really feels like shit go away?

 

I can list a couple things NOT to do:

 

  • Do not constantly listen to sad emotional music, it just enhances everything.
  • Do not indulge in the possibility that things will suddenly go your way and she would come running back realizing that you are the person for her.
  • Do not use food, alcohol or any other vices to numb your pain.
  • Do not listen to people who agree with you at this point because their agreement would affirm lies that you are telling yourself to make things easier.
  • Do not look into her eyes and forget everything you had worked towards forgetting


So with everything you CANNOT do, which most probably you will break ALL of it the next time you meet up with this person again, what CAN you do?

 

You can just BE.


Just exist, and literally just function as a human being. Don’t shut yourself emotionally away and rot yourself by re-watching episodes of the Simpsons in your bed and only getting out for the occasional toilet breaks which grow less frequent as you choose to drink less water to avoid getting up so much.


I think the fact there are no real answers makes the search for it worth the journey. And one day, without realizing it, the frustration and pains of it would just seem really a long time ago. Then in some ways you can just look back and say that it was ok.


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