How NOT to Write English

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
The English language has been much misused and abused in recent years. With the advent of text messaging and e-mail, it seems the younger generation are drifting away from the use of proper English. In this short article I show how NOT to write our language.

Submitted: May 14, 2011

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Submitted: May 14, 2011

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In this modern world of the Internet, e-mail, text messaging and super-fast data transfer, it is easy to forget that there are people out there who still aspire to write clear, proper English. Some might say that it is old-fashioned these days to even attempt to write proper English. Even in some of the more glossy, down-to-earth tabloid newspapers, I have witnessed so many instances of crude, unpolished English that passes for journalistic sensationalism – in many instances, the English is abominable! In my pursuance of the do’s and don’ts of how not to write English, I list some witty phrases for your perusal and edification . . . enjoy!
 
· Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
· Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
· And don't start a sentence with a conjunction (perhaps outdated observation these days).
· It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
· Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
· Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
· Be more or less specific.
· Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
· Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
· No sentence fragments.
· Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
· Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
· Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
· One-word sentences? Eliminate!
· Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
· Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.  
· Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
· Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
· Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
· Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
· If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
· Puns are for children, not groan readers.
· Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
· Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
· Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


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