Funny Christmas Quotes

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Funny Christmas quotes sayings

Submitted: December 09, 2011

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Submitted: December 09, 2011

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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

 

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

 

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

 

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

 

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"

 

I’ve never been to an Al-Qaeda Christmas party, but I have seen the invites. No music, no dancing, but we promise the fastest game of pass the parcel you’ve ever seen.

"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." ~ Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: 'Toys not included.'" ~ Bernard Manning

""I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays." ~ Henry Youngman

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." ~ Garrison Keillor

"No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ~ Emma Bombeck

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present." ~ Unknown

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" ~ Bill Watterson in Calvin and Hobbes

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." ~ Johnny Carson

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." ~ Phyllis Diller

"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ Dennis Miller

"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." ~ Bart Simpson in The Simpsons

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit." ~ Unknown

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." ~ Dick Gregory

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." ~ Victor Borge

Funny Christmas Card Quotes and Sayings

The quotes mentioned in this article can be used as Christmas card messages. Along with the funny quotes, few of the messages suitable for business cards are also included. Some of the popular Christian Christmas sayings can also be found in the paragraphs below. Let us first have a look at the funny Christmas card sayings. More funny Christmas quotes should be useful.

  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~Johnny Carson
  • I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: 'Toys not included. ~Bernard Manning
  • Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard
  • A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. ~Garrison Keillor
  • I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~Shirley Temple
  • I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. ~Henry Youngman
  • The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~Joan Rivers
  • No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ~Emma Bombeck
  • The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~Johnny Carson
  • Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~Bill Watterson in Calvin and Hobbes
  • Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~Dennis Miller
  • Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. ~Phyllis Diller
  • I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. ~Dick Gregory
  • Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. ~Bart Simpson in The Simpsons
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. ~Victor Borge
  • What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day. ~Phyllis Diller
  • Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~Richard Lamm
  • Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. ~Larry Wilde
  • Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. ~W. C. Fields
  • Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? ~Arlo Guthrie
  • Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? ~Tom Armstrong
  • You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger. ~Robert Paul
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. ~Victor Borge
  • Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts. ~Max Lucado

 

 


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