Secrets of a Lonely Heart

Reads: 817  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 9

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Have you ever hated someone so much, and then realize suddenly that the hatred you feel is actually something deeper? How do you deal with that? How do you change the way you think to match the way you feel? These questions are thought through as a young woman learns to handle her emotions.

Submitted: February 14, 2008

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 14, 2008

A A A

A A A


Guilt seemed to crash into me in the same way a wave smashes into a beach: fierce at first, then slowly ebbing away.Why had I been so incredibly stupid?  Why hadn’t I listened? Did I think I was better than you?  Did I think I knew more than you did?

If only I had paid better attention to you over the years, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way.  Maybe I wouldn’t be so hurt, confused, or lost right now.  Maybe I wouldn’t feel this pang of regret, knowing that you’ll never feel the same about me ever again.  If I hadn’t been so clueless, so cruel, maybe I wouldn’t be wishing all these things right now.  Maybe then…I’d be truly happy.  That’s all I want, to be happy, right?

Happiness isn’t as easy as it sounds, you know.  There’s happiness, and then there’s content.  I know, they seem similar, but they’re not.  When you’re content, you simply think you’re happy, but really, you’re empty.  All these years, I’ve convinced myself that I was happy. Maybe being Content is like that.  You feel this urge to fill up all the holes in your heart by lying to yourself, telling yourself that you were right.  But now I know that I’m not right; I’m not happy; I’m not whole.

But how do you really know whether you’re happy or just content?You could think, like I did, that you’re the luckiest person in the world, but really you’re just an empty soul waiting for the one thing in the world that will make you truly happy.  Moving on from there, how do you know what that one thing is?  I don’t know how it happened exactly, but I feel as though a piece of me is missing; only I hadn’t noticed it leaving.  The worst part of it is the fact that I don’t know what’s gone, what’s tearing me apart. And if I don’t know what it was, how do I get it back?  How do I fill the gaping holes that suddenly filled my entire life?  How did something as simple as being happy turn into such a complicated matter?

Then there’s you.  Perfect, beautiful, and utterly annoying you.  You used to dote on me, protect me, talk to me, and try to impress me.  You even went so far as to go out of your way to make my life easier, and I hated you for it.  At the time, everything you did seemed so negative, but now as I look back, I see myself as the wronged one.  All the things you used to do would drive me insane.  I just wanted to slam your head against a brick wall, and I told you so, several times.  How could I have been so heartless?  You only wanted what was best for me.  All you did was care for me, and I completely shut you out.

You were the guy who had everything, and took it all for granted…or so I thought.  I hated you.  In a way, I still hate you.  I hate you for all the things you’ve done for me.  I hate how every time I find myself in a tough situation, weather it’s a problem in a relationship or I’m struggling in my classes, you always show up with a bright smile, telling me it’ll all work out.  I hate you for your friends.  Why couldn’t I have such great friends?  Why do I get stuck with someone who I can’t even count on, can’t trust, and may not even be on my side, while you get witty, fun, loyal friends who would do anything for you?  Last but most certainly not least, I hate you for making me feel like this.  I hate you for making me realize how thoughtless and inconsiderate I was.  I hate you for all this regret--all this shame--all this guilt I’m feeling.

When I was a child, I would beg my mom to tell me all the stories she knew.  The fairytales were my favourite, especially the ones with the princesses and the knights in shining armour.  When Mom finished a tale, I would shout, “Again!” until she had told it so many times that it was permanently etched into my brain. 

The funny thing about fairytales, I realized, is how everything seems to happen at the just right moment.  After the villain deviously carries out their evil plan, and it seems like there’s no possible way there could be a happy ending, the hero arrives just in time to save the day.  Some nights, I would look out my window, gaze upon the stars, and wonder if real life was like a fairytale.  In my darkest moment, when all seemed to be lost, would my Prince Charming show up for me?

Sometimes, when she finished a tale, I would ask my Mom, “Mommy, how did the princess fall in love?” Mom would always smile to herself and whisper, “She just did.”

It couldn’t be that simple, I would tell myself, and I still tell myself.  You can’t just see a person and fall in love.  You don’t wake up one morning and want to spend the rest of your life with someone.  It isn’t possible; it doesn’t work like that.  Love takes time, commitment, and devotion.

On one occasion, I couldn’t handle it anymore.  After giving it much thought, I found Mom in the kitchen and demanded that she tell me more.  She fell in love with Dad, didn’t she? She should know.

Mum then picked me up and placed me on her lap, wrapping her warm arms around me.  “Love is a complicated, yet simple thing,” she began.  “There is no grey area when it comes to love, you either love that person or you don’t.  It’s stronger than any emotion you’ve ever felt before.  And sometimes, it can be easily mistaken for loathing.  Love is unpredictable, and unexplainable.”

To this day, my mum’s words still ring through my mind as though she just said them.  Time after time I find myself comparing them to my life, and you.  It’s common knowledge that I loathe you.  In fact, I’m not even sure loathing is a strong enough word to describe the animosity between you and I.  But…what if what Mom told me was true?  What if this hatred I feel for you isn’t really hatred at all?  What if all this emptiness, this regret, this jealousy is actually something deeper?  What if I am starting to love you?

“Love is unpredictable and unexplainable.”  I definitely can’t explain how I’m feeling right now.  If this thing I’m experiencing is love, then I doubt anyone could have seen it coming.

I don’t want to think about it anymore, it makes my head hurt.  Thinking about you only increases my confusion.  Is that supposed to be a sign?

What if I do love you?  What if you truly love me in return?  And what if there is a chance after all of being truly happy?  Whatever the answer to all my questions are, I think I’m going to have to take a chance at love.  Then, maybe then, I’ll find what I’m looking for.


© Copyright 2017 Lady Alanna. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Comments

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Unknown

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

avatar

Author
Reply

More Romance Short Stories