At the time I just got out of a really bad relationship and sworn to myself I would never date again. But, I met this guy who won my heart in one night. We had an amazing relationship but like any we had our issues though they were mostly from myself. I got so stressed I snapped on him. We would break up but it never lasted because we always ended up back together not long afterwards. Our love for each other was pretty damn deep. Even though I didnt trust men after what Ive been through, I trusted him with all my heart. I dedicated my everything to the relationship because he completed me. He was my only comfort. My absolute everything. Everything I did was for the benefit of my future with him. I chose him. He was everything I looked for in a man. I refused to let the relationship fall because of something that was fixable. We were both faithful, that wasnt the problem. The problem was my stress levels and I was so damn stubborn. I wanted everything my way and I didnt want to wait any longer but what I didnt realize was he was mine even though I had to wait for him to be ready. The last guy I was with before him I almost married and that was the life I wanted.
Stress just kept building up on me and I couldnt take it anymore and I snapped on him and he ended us again; it tore me apart. In my head, he is all I had. How can I just let this go? I just couldnt. I tried to talk to him but he was so hurt by my sudden rage that I couldnt get through to him. And it ripped me from the inside out. I couldnt sleep to start with and I just wanted to kill the pain so I could sleep. I took a couple sleeping pills and I guess my heart didnt take too kindly to it and had a bad reaction. Next day I didnt feel well enough to do much so I stayed in bed. Day after that, we talked. Ended up back together under certain terms but I was still so hurt over the whole thing. I knew I fucked up. I didnt want him to hurt and I didnt want the relationship to end. I wanted to fix what was stressing me out but I wasnt sure how. I could end friendships and walk away from most but would that really help? Was there deeper reason for my pain? I, then figured I would go on a bike ride to clear my head. On my bike ride I was thinking about my life and how I was to fix things to better my relationship with him. He doesnt deserve to hurt but neither do I. I love him more than words or actions could ever even begin to express and I wasnt about to let the shit go. But you never think of what it would be if that was the last text, last phone call, last time with that person when you are fighting with that person you love so damn deeply.
I got so lost in thought that I didnt notice the speed I was going on the bike and how my heart was not feeling the best before hand anyways. I managed to make it home but my eye sight went black and my hearing was in and out. I collapsed on my bed as my parents rushed in to tend to me. The only thought in my mind was what I would give if I could only take back time and prevent myself from saying those hurtful words to him. Losing him crushed me and I couldnt handle it.
I woke up in the hospital with my love by my side. He looked so pained by seeing me hooked to these goddamn machines that were monitoring my heart. I started crying, hard. I kept telling him how sorry I was. I knew I could never take back those horrible words and I would always be reminded of it. I didnt care that I was hooked to these machines, I just wanted him. I wanted everything to be okay. Was all my efforts for nothing? Did he still love me? The thought of him walking out of my life tore me to pieces. He tried to calm me. To tell me everything was fine but I couldnt take that as a true answer because I felt so fucking horrible.
My heart didnt take to well to the sleeping pills and my heart collapsed and took my life. My last breath was taken in his presence. I will never know what he did with his life after his love was taken. But I wished we could have worked it out because I couldnt fix this on my own. I needed his support to get through the hell and pain I went through every day. If only I was able to cope with the stress and pain I dealt with. I tried to hide the constant pain I was in and it eventually broke me. The regret of losing him the way I did died with me. If only I knew how to fix everything....
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