Looking back at my life

  Looking Back at My Life....

  As I child my parents spoiled me. I never really did without anything. I may have not had the best of everything, and I'm sure there are alot of things I didn't get to do that I'd have liked to have done. But My parents did the very best they could to give me everything I ever wanted. And even though I grew up a "spoiled" child, I also learned that you don't automatically deserve everything you are given.

  When I was 13 I met the "love of my life" who came from a family who was not very well off. It made me realize alot of things. First and foremost, no matter how bad you have it, there is always someone else out there who is worse off than you. I learned to appreciate everything that I was given in my life and not take it for granted. Jeremy was not used to the life that I was. He did without so many things that it actually hurt me to see that. From the moment I met him I did anything I could do to make a little money so that I could buy him things that his family could not buy for him.

  When he was just 15 Jeremy moved in with my family. Not long after that he got his first job, and with that he started taking care of me like I had him. He bought me anything I ever showed an interest in wanting. He made sure he did anything he could to make me happy. I think on some level he thought he had to provide me with material things in order to prove his love. That was never the case, all I ever wanted was his love. Nothing less, nothing more. 

  He and I "grew up" together, learned everything the hard way. We learned the value of money and the importance of family and the love you share for one another. I like to think we were happy most of the time. Like everyone else we had our share of fights and disagreements. But we strived to make it through all the tough times and prove to the world that we'd always be together. We would beat the odds and make it dispite our meeting at such a young age.

  We got our first apartment when I was 19. We both had jobs and worked our asses off for everything we had. It may have not been much, but it was ours. We deserved it because we worked for it, and we were proud of that. Wasn't real long after we had been in the apartment things started to change. I think maybe stress got the better of both of us. We were still growing as individuals and we were slowly changing. Jere left and went to Texas, my heart was broken...but about 5 months later he came home and told me it was the biggest mistake he'd ever made. We made it through that and stayed in the apartment for 5 years before buying our first home.

At 21 and 22 years old we were buying our first home, what an accomplishment. Talk about being proud, I know some people twice that age who have never bought a house. It was amazing. It was rough and bills were of course a struggle for a while but we never really had to do without much.

  In 2007 Jeremy finally asked me to marry him after 11 years together. Greatest day of my life because that's all I'd ever wanted, just to be Mrs. Jeremy Johnson. A couple months later, I found out I was preganant. Wow what a year. I had to change my wedding dress, all my plans to accomadate the baby but it was worth it. In August we married, which then became the greatest day of my life....and in December only 4 months after marrying along came Cameron. We never really got our "honeymoon" period.  I think that's where some of the problems may have started.

  January 2009, Jeremy is no longer happy in our marriage which is a huge shock to me. 13 years together and now he wants "out". He wants a divorce. He doesn't want me anymore, and that is a hard truth to swallow. Still kills me to think about that today. What happened to my Happy Home? My Marriage? My Husband? My perfect lil family? MY LIFE??? Where was I? Was I a bad wife? a bad mother? Why didn't I know things were so bad that he didn't love me anymore? What had I done?

  Present day....It's June, I'm in the middle of a horrible divorce from someone I will always love and never understand. I have a beautiful little boy who I worry about everyday.  The thing I wanted most for him I can no longer give him, his mother and father...together....a happy "family". It's sad when I think about it but I hope someday he understands, because I don't know that I ever will.