Hank is prettier than Justin Bieber

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
You couldn't make this up

Submitted: October 02, 2013

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Submitted: October 02, 2013

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I said “I need to make an appointment to see the Doctor”

“I have a cancellation and can get you in for tomorrow afternoon”. The receptionist replied

“but I’m sick, the doctor can’t see me today? I could be dead tomorrow.”

There’s a virus going around, you’ll be fine. Take two aspirin, drink plenty of fluids and we’ll see you tomorrow.

“No lady you don’t understand this is serious. This is no virus. Cold and flu season is over at my house. I have a lump”

“what kind of lump?”

“I don’t know what kind of lump. If I knew that the doctor would be asking to see me. The kind that ain’t supposed to be where it is. Now can I see the doctor today please?”

“and where is this lump?

“Can’t you just make the appointment? Do I really have to tell you this?”

Do you want to see the doctor?”

“Yes.. if you have to know.. The lump is down there,.. you know,  by Hank and the Boys”

“Who and who..  Oh I get it,…  Ok, let me ask you,..  is the lump on Hank .. or is it on the boys?”

“Does that really interest you? That information is sort of on a need to know basis.. Ok, if you have to know, neither, it’s not really ON either. Let’s just say it’s in the same tent the boys sleep in and I always been told this was a two man tent. Threes a crowd, you know what I’m sayin?”….. Are you smiling? I think I hear a smile in your voice, this is not funny”.

Giggle “OK Mr Jackson, we will see you tomorrow at 3:00 PM”

“That’s it.. I confessed my secrets and how close I may be to meeting my maker and still you make me wait until tomorrow. I should report you to the AMA. If I don’t show tomorrow you should come to my house and see if I not laying on the floor doing my dead roach impression and then how will you feel.? “

“Try to be 15 minutes early if you can and don’t forget your insurance card, photo ID and $20 copay”

This began my ordeal. Three weeks of humiliation, worry and insight. I had a lump where it wasn’t supposed to be. Not a big lump but it was a lump none the less. I Goggled lump on my balls to Web MD and it read. Stop playing with yourself, turn the computer off and see a doctor immediately.

Anyone who has HMO insurance knows the rules. Before any real work can be done you have to see your primary physician. The primary takes your $20 copay, checks your vitals, decides if there’s an issue and recommends you to a real doctor that has a degree from a Medical school inside the United States. So I go in, of course the receptionist from hell greets me.

“I’m Larry Jackson, have a 3:00 with Dr Ricardo”

She smiles and says “Oh yes the guy with the lump on the boys” loud enough for the other twenty people in the waiting room to hear.

I pay my twenty and wait. They finally take me back the first female nurse takes my blood pressure, temperature and of course I have to explain why I’m here to her. She puts me in a waiting room. After 15 minutes in walks smiling female nurse number two, she has a gown.

“put this on, so the doctor can examine you, I’ll be right back”

I put the gown on and wait. Now mind you by this time I have known of this lump for over a month. In my self-examinations I have felt it grow from a seemingly size of a BB to a huge marble that is competing for room inside my scrodum. I try not to let my imagination run wild to no avail. Its cancer, it said so on Web MD. I’m just here for the Doctor to tell me what kind and how long I have. Is it my prostate, testicular or some rare form only known to wild monkeys of the Andes and this is the first known case in humans?

Enter Dr Ricardo.

“hey Larry, Dr Ricardo, what seems to be your problem?”

“well Doc, I’m hoping you will tell me it’s normal for men to grow  a third ball after their 56th birthday.”

“can’t tell you that lets have a look”  So I pull up my gown and Dr Ricardo goes to work. First he checks out Hank, “Hank looks good” he says.

I think; is that a compliment? Should I thank him? I am kind of proud of the way he turned out but I never really thought he looked good.. I say nothing. Then he grabbed my testicles and by grab, that’s what I mean, grab. Like he’s checking a tomato for ripeness at a produce stand.

He says “you have a lump about the size of a BB down here, any pain, and discomfort?”

“Not until you grabbed my balls no”

“I’m going to have you give some blood, a urine sample and recommend you to Dr Robinsons office, let them check you out, you’re going to want to shave a little down here before your appointment”

He leaves, I get dressed, walk out to the smiling nurse two “Dr Ricardo said you would make me the appointment for the Urologist”

“OK, did he say when or why?”

Why because I have a lump remember” I whispered

She makes the appointment, I give blood, urine and I go home. Next appointment; three days. I spend the next three days thinking I better get my house in order. I have my will, everyone is taken care of. All the things I wanted in my life that I never did. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. You do a lot of shoulda, woulda, coulda when you find a lump on your balls..

As it turns out there are no barber shops on the planet that will shave your balls. Not that I would visit one. It just means it’s a chore that has to be self-done. Women have one, it’s called the Pretty Kitty, I’ve seen it. Not being a contortionist, difficult task does not aptly describe the degree of difficulty of this procedure. First Hank is always in the way, so I have one hand on Hank, one hand with my lady Schick. Yes I bought a lady Schick, it read for sensitive skin and it don’t get any more sensitive than your balls. Did I mention I suffer from what is medically described as Familiar Tremors? It means my hands shake. Really bad sometimes… I discovered one of those times is when you have a razor extremely close to your balls.

Two days pass and I show at the Urologist. My balls are shaved smooth as pre puberty adolescents. Looks like a little baby bird with no feathers down there. Now I’m not thinking about dying, I’m thinking please don’t let it drag out and make me suffer. I’m also thinking; please don’t let my Doctor be a female. I walk in and announce I’m Larry Jackson here to see the Urologist. The receptionist tells me Dr Robinson will see me in a minute. Dr Robinson, still no clue to the gender of the Doctor. I go back put on the gown, Dr Robinson comes in, a man, thank you.. He sits at his terminal looks at my chart on screen and says “so you have a lump, well your PSA levels look good from your blood samples, your urine test show you still have stage two kidney disease, I don’t think these are related. You need to quit smoking, no ibuprofen, drink water only. . I’m going to schedule you for a scan and recommend you see an Dr Mallory after, Sharon will set you up the appointments” .. What ? That’s it I wanted to say.., you’re not even going to look down there or do a physical exam?  Why I shaved for you,..  Dr Ricardo told me Hank was prettier than Justin Bieber. Don’t you want to see.?

A week passes before the scan and appointment with Dr Mallory. Both are at the Kaiser Hospital, same day in the Oncology department. Day before Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t get any worse than visiting the Oncology Department of a hospital. By now, I’m thinking, it’s over, I’ll never leave this place, they are going to check me in right after my test and start chemo….  I show up for my appointments, same routine, I say I have a lump on my balls. Not even embarrassed by now. I figure somewhere out there a plane is flying over with a big banner that’s says, Larry Jackson has a lump on his balls. I put on my gown and have my scan. The scan takes all of twenty seconds. The technician that does the scan says the same thing, “looks good down there” but he does say “I don’t see anything to worry about, get dressed and Dr Mallory will see you in a minute.” ..

An hour later I’m called back to see Dr Mallory, old doctor very cold hands. He tells me to drop my pants and stand up. Now he’s sitting face to face with Hank. He plays with me and says “Hank looks good, and you have a lump but it’s not attached to anything, do you feel that?” and he grabs my balls with one hand and has the lump in the other. “I have your testes here and the lump is not attached. Nothing on the scan showed anything. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, this is not uncommon, now turn around and bend over let’s check your prostate.”

Your prostate is a little gland about the size of a walnut, only access to it is your rectum. I’m still not real clear of its purpose but I know it is important. Now if you’ve never had a prostate exam it takes two fingers to examine it. Having never been in prison this was unchartered territory for me. So the doctor says” Do you feel that? “

I said “uump”

“that’s your prostate” as he bounced it from one finger to the other like he was playing jacks. “It’s not enlarged, feels OK, you can pull your pants up, you can go”

I was relieved “thanks Dr Mallory, where should I send the flowers?

He said “What”?

“Well the last person that played with Hank and the Boys like that got flowers for Valentines Day”

So now I have a three man tent, apparently I’m not alone, but that’s something men don’t discuss among themselves. I’m healthy and cancer free. I came out of this ordeal with a new appreciation and respect for the poor women of the world that has to suffer the humiliation of having their private parts checked out every year. I am relieved and it made me realize that life is short or can be, things can change any minute, so if there is something in your life that is important don’t put it off. Do it, find the things you love and grab them up quick. Don’t leave this place thinking, shoulda, woulda, coulda.

I also found out Hank is prettier than Justin Bieber. I had three Doctors tell me he looked good. I’m thinking of sending him to modeling school.


© Copyright 2018 Larry Jackson. All rights reserved.

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