To feel lost

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
My poem I wrote when my cousin and I got into an argument about my lifestyle.

Submitted: July 30, 2008

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Submitted: July 30, 2008

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To feel lost,
without understanding,
is terrible.
At least,
for one such as I.
For here in the winter cold,
emotions rage battles,
with my logic inside.
So fast forward to me thinking,
standing in the rain,
smoke drifting in beautiful curls,
from my parted lips.
I feel the urge to scream...
For inside there's this somber emptiness.
I fear of what will become of me...
Traveled far away is the catalyst.
disappointed with my actions.
Take the road to the past,
and realize what you have done.
Confusion and scarring,
is what happened,
without recantation.
"Addictive" little me,
queer,
sitting here with a bottle of rum,
and a pack of black,
talking and laughing,
with pirates.
It feels right,
it can't be wrong.
I swing swords and pretend to die,
then get back up and do it again;
swashbuckling with pirates.
It's so right,
I've never felt such joy,
it can't be wrong.
So happy,
I have never been it so much in my life.
Yet you lay down the eletronic page,
point out the wrongs.
I come up with excuses,
and finally decide they are not need.
I have no need to conform,
no need to explain.
It started from a smoke,
from a friend not you,
then it progressed,
only a little.
We shaped these wrongs,
you stopped,
I continued,
and only now do you disapprove.
I'm confused and hurt.
You had to of known I was something differnt,
different from what you knew.
But comparing a me at age 7,
blond curly hair,
naive so naive,
and a me at 15,
dyed black and pin straight,
jaded so jaded,
seems so silly.
Perhaps it's not,
yet the fact remains;
I'm swallowing my pride,
with a glass of ashes.
Here is my lament to what I was,
to what I am,
and to what I am to become.
" I was a girl bent on being the same, little and naive. I couldn't be the same. I gave up on my mother and nos I smoke like she. Gave up on my father and now I drink like he. Yet I do not like them, let it ruin my life for me. I stay in school and work so hard, 4.0 average. I am college bound and refuse to change that. I have accpeted myself and do not feel the need to conform and be the same. I like my differences and my friends from an eariler generation than I. I like me and to have doubt thrown at me makes me hestate and think of a darker period of time when I was conflicted, not so free. I refuse to go to that again because I thought about it and all it would do is come up with more scars and the same answers."

I realize that now,
I only feel upset,
when I am conflicted.
You are making me conflicted,
in this moment,
so conflicted.
I have cleared your fog,
and I am happy once more;
happy with my life as is.
I wouldn't be able to clear it so easily,
if I didn't know this was the right choice.
So now then...
Goodbye, goodbye,
I am finished.
I am done with the regret;
the regret I clung to.
I am done with the mourning;
the mourning of my doubt.
I am done with that.
I am to progress to my future.
I will enjoy it and I swear...
I won't let anyone do this to me anymore;
not even you.


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