Lucy on a Diet (The Weirdest Romeo and Juliet Ever)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
The tragic love story of a modern day Romeo and Juliet
between a dude and a chick.

Submitted: October 26, 2010

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Submitted: October 26, 2010

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Bree: umm... Domi and I were TRYINGto be weird here so... don't be shocked or anything...

Domi (to Bree): you're not supposed to tell them that!!


A long, long time ago, in a land of castles and dragons, there was a farmer named Supersized Hamburger. He was married to a much younger woman, and their marriage was a total sham. Hamburger's wife was called Jumbo Fries and she had greasy yellow hair and skinny, crispy legs.

The reason their marriage was such an epic fail, was because Fries was having an affair with a rubber ducky called IceAnd Coke. Coke was the head knight of a nearby dojo. His main duty was to teach fellow duckies how to fight with their wings and throw their feathers like darts.

What Fries didn't realise was that Coke was actually the Princess's fiancé, and Princess Lame was out for revenge.

*Dramatic music*

Princess Lame travelled far and wide. She travelled to the other side of the planet and realised that the lady her fiancé was having an affair with lived under her bed. So, she travelled back home only to find that Fries was pregnant with baby Coke!!!!

*Dramatic music continues*

Princess Lame fainted and fell down 2920q74i287489g2787 flights of stairs.

She woke in a guys arm, then fainted when she realised that the guy who caught her was the Grim Reaper himself.

*classical very tense music*

--3 weeks later--

Guess what? Voila! A baby Reaper!

--16 years later--

Lucy Reaper walked into school on the first day and the first person she met was a young boy called Diet Coke. She giggled "Diet… that's a funny name. Well, I guess I shouldn't laugh. My dad's name is Grim and my mum has a lame name. Her surname is Lame."

Lucy and Diet talked and had lots of fun together. They became best friends and then the whole thing became a very messed up version Romeo and Juliet.

"I love you"

"Aw me too"

They met everyday before school, during recess, at lunch, after school, on the weekends… etc.

One day, Lucy was walking to Diet's house. All of a sudden, Lucy realised that Diet's parents were the ones who messed up her family tree.

"Right," She yelled, "This. Is. War."

Lucy ran in a blood-thirsty way and tripped into a bin.

Ping!

Pow!!

Punch!!!

Aaaargh!!!!

Scream!!!!!

Shoom!!!!!!

Bang!!!!!!!

SCREECH!!!!!!!!

***

Meanwhile, Diet was sitting in his room, completing his maths homework when he heard a large crashing sound outside his house. Leaping to his feet, he looked out of the window. He blinked, and then opened it.

"Lucy?" He asked in a bemused fashion. "What are you doing... In my rubbish bin?"

Lucy started to swear at him using the most offensive language she could think of - "you.... Anteater! You chair! You toilet paper roll! You KFC!!!!!"

The last insult seemed to hit home.

"I COME FROM MCDONALDS, FREAK!" he screamed at her. He said the last word like it was some kind of insult.

"Dude, that is an insult," Lucy yelled back at him. "Anyway, come and help me out of this stinking rubbish!"

"Umm… What rubbish? Am I'm blind or have you gone crazy?"

"What do you think?" Lucy answered sarcastically before letting out maniacal laughter.

Diet raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to come down now," he warned, closing the window. He was about to leave his room, when he had a sudden thought. He reached under his bed, and pulled out a baseball bat.

***

Lucy was sitting in the rubbish, thinking dark thoughts, when she saw her ex-best friend, who still thought they were friends.

Suddenly she knew they would never be best friends again.

He began to lift her out of the rubbish with his manly muscles. Suddenly, she screamed. "What? What's wrong!" Diet yelled, worried.

"THERE'S A RACCOON ON MY LEG!!!!!!!"

The two fought as a team against the evil, almighty Raccoon. When It scurried away, Lucy tripped on her own foot and just so happened to land lying on Diet's chest.

"What strong arms you have!" exclaimed Lucy.

"All the better to hug you with," replied Diet, charmingly.

"What blue eyes you have," exclaimed Lucy.

"All the better to see you with," replied Diet, charmingly.

"What kissable lips you have," exclaimed Lucy.

"All the better to kiss you with," replied Diet, charmingly.

Diet leaned up to kiss Lucy. He leaned closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, loser, closer, closer, closer, doser, closer, closer, closer, loser, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, doser, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, doser, closer, closer, closer, doser, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, doser, closer, closer, closer, doser, closer, closer, closer, closer, loser, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer...

"Dude, we're not that far apart," Lucy snapped.

They were about to kiss when....

"REVENGE OF THE RACCOON!" screamed Lucy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Diet.

"DIEEEEE HUMANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed The Raccoon.

There was a long pause.

"Ohh crud," The Raccoon swore and hopped away on it's tiny little bunny leg.

"Let's elope," Diet proposed.

"I'm sixteen," Lucy said. "Der."

"All the better to elope you with!"

". . . . . . . -.-? . . . Dude, that doesn't even make sense."

"Lets do it anyway," Diet said.

"Meh, okay," Lucy shrugged, and they ran off to live happily ever after.

Until the next day when Lucy's homework was due.

Which she hadn't done.

So the Evil Raccoon-slash-maths-teacher ripped Lucy to shreds.

Distraught, Diet committed suicide by making himself lunch and giving himself a very large case of food poisoning.

RIP (no pun intended) LUCY AND DIET.

~~~~~~~~~~~Domi: sound effects courtesy of smiley~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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