~Inspired by ‘Happy Days Are Here Again’ by Glee Cast~
Winter was my least favorite season. It wasn’t the snow or the cold, though I certainly didn’t jump for joy when they came round. No there was something more horrible than the snow and blistering winds. A monster. A monster that awoke as the temperatures dropped and gray clouds hid the sun. It enjoyed the Winter; I suppose you could say this was its favorite time of year. Hibernating during the other seasons, preparing itself year after year for the torture it would unleash.
It lived in my very core and I hadn’t found a way of getting rid of it. I tried hurting myself, but it seemed to only instigate the monster; as if thrived off of my addiction. To be honest, it probably did, and I grew to know that, but it was hard to stop. The pain in my skin and the blood rushing down hushed the monster, but only temporarily before it brought revenge.
The voices never stopped. “Why bother getting out of bed?” it would ask. “You’re worthless.” It would tell me. “Maybe you’ll die in your sleep tonight.” It mocked as I tried to find peace in my pillows and blankets. The monster brought nothing but tears and heart ache. A constant throbbing in my chest that refused to leave. It laughed at my scars and told me to cut deeper. It rolled its eyes at me as I tried to get out of bed. It hated me. But why? What did I do to deserve this pain? I would rack my brains and look back on every lie I ever told and every mean thing I had ever said. Was I really that terrible of a person? Did acting that way lead me to this? This monster who tore me down day and night.
And just as I thought it would be impossible stop the voices and the self-loathing, the temperatures began to rise. The snow would melt. And I made a decision. This monster would not return next Winter. No. I wouldn’t let it.
So as flowers bloomed, and the sun stayed in the sky a little longer, I made appointment after appointment. Medicine bottles got thrown my way and I met so many Doctors I couldn’t keep track. But I was feeling good. I felt confident that the monster wouldn’t return this time.
I took my medicine every day and went to my therapy sessions to talk about my feelings. I was allowed to adopt a pet and so I chose a black, furry kitten to cuddle with at night. I named her Happy.
It’s April 5th, 2013 and I’m sitting outside for the first time in months. The sun is glowing against my pale skin and I could feel my body soaking up the rays. I laughed as Happy jumped through the bright, green grass chasing a butterfly. My head surrounded by little purple flowers and my feet nestled in the grass, I drew in a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air.
My arms and legs are clean now. The scars are starting to fade too. I try not to dwell on that too much because it does make me sad still. But I know that it’s for the better.
Happy comes up and lies on my chest. She curls into a ball and nuzzles her head against the crook of my neck. Her eyes slowly close and her breathing steadies. At first I’m jealous of her; that she can just shut out the world like that and sleep so peacefully. But then I realized…I can too. Spring is here. The sun is out. The sky is blue. The grass is green. And I have never felt so alive.
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