I am thinking, thinking, thinking. . . The whole process repeats itself like a broken record. I think so much that I can't even remember what I'm thinking about. I think about trying NOT to think. I hate it when this happens, and I don't know why it happens. I can't even remember when I started. A few day ago, maybe? I am a sixteen-year-old girl in high school; what big problems are supposed to be nagging at my cranium? Maybe it's anxiety? Or maybe just hormones. . . the confusing, mentally exhausting, murky hormones that make my brain feel like mush.
Faint thoughts race around my mind like little rats; I should probably be studying for those quizzes that I have today, how am I supposed to live in the present with all this obsessional thought, am I doing something to cause this, I only want to think about my girlfriend, how are you supposed to do that when you should be focusing on your studies, what about writing that book, you're overthinking your life away, remember to write in your journal tonight, gotta look for a job for the summer, what ever happened to volunteering, hey, remember that time--. . .
There isn't enough time in the day for all this. I also can't focus on just one thing though. It's so confusing when I get like this, what's wrong with me and how do I get out of it? My mind seems to want to process all this information at once. Is this happening because I'm actually doing my work to get better grades? Oh, right. Grades. I forgot to study last night. I should be doing that now. But I can't. I'm stuck inside my own head and can't possibly focus on studying right now. God, this is frustrating. Then suddenly I stop.
Sitting here in front of my computer in class with nothing to do, I pull out my binder from my pink back-pack beside me. I get out a sheet of paper and pen and begin to write:
I am underwater, flowing with the swift current that pulls me down a wide, endless river. It's the river of my thoughts, my emotions, my memory; clear, calm, and it's turns around bends are sharp. It's flowing with the present. Not the past, not the future, but the present situations, and I am flowing with them. Then, slowly but surely, the current begins to stop pulling, and I am left to sink deeper and deeper into the depths of the river. My feet touch the bottom, feeling mud and rocks inbetween my toes. I stand there for a few moments, knowing something is wrong and the current was supposed to keep flowing. I begin to swim up to the top, stretching my arms up and kicking my legs, fighting the pressure of being so deep. It gradually begins to become easier to swim up, pulling me up faster and faster.
Finally I emerge at the top and breathe the air into my lungs deeply. My head slightly hurts from the sudden decrease in pressure, and I am dazed. I swim up to the riverbank and crawl up the muddy ground, and collapse onto my back, taking in the green scenery of the trees above me, and the blue sky behind them. Then I stand up and look around. To my left, there is a huge dam wall blocking the waterway. I blink and my mouth drops open a little at the sudden surprise. I look down at the dark blue river. Where it should be flowing down, it's swirling beside the wall, and beginning to slowly flood the banks on both sides. This isn't good. I walk around, my feet squishing the mud and water with every step, trying to look for a lever, button, anything to open or break the wall.
I find nothing. The river is flooding the banks heavier now, the water flowing over the grass and around the trees. I can't go anywhere with this wall in the way. I suddenly feel anger growing up inside me. I look and see hand-sized rocks below me, and pick them up and throw them at the dam wall that was at least one hundred feet tall. The rocks do nothing but bounce off it like rubber balls. I scream at it to go away, and as if the wall had human emotions, it ignored me and did nothing. Didn't even move an inch. Panting and losing hope, I look down at the water. It's up to my knees now, feeling dirty and murky from the dirt mixed in it. I slip myself into the water on my back and float to the middle of the river again, tired of my pointless efforts. I let the water submerge me again, and a slowly float back down towards the bottom. For what seemed like hours, I finally reached the bottom again. I lay there, on the river's floor, wondering why it had stopped here. Why that big wall had to block our way. Little minnows circle around me. No, I'm not food little minnows.
Suddenly, I feel a gentle tug at my body. Then it got stronger and stronger, the minnows swimming away in the same direction. I was being pulled forward. I struggle to a standing position and try to fight it, at this rate that current would pull me into the wall underneath the water and knock me unconcious. But it's too fast, too strong, and I lose all control and have no choice but to let the river drag me down it once again. For a moment, I shut my eyes tightly and waited for the hard impact of the wall to smash the back of my head, but it never came.
I continue down the river, feeling the familiar natural rush of the water pulling me through life without a single thought about and, and my mind slips away to the ignorant joy of the moment.
I finish writing and put my things away, take a deep breath and let it out. It'll pass, I think to myself. Just like the dam. All I have to do if stop trying and let my mind do it's thing. I submerge myself in a book and let the words flow through my head as I read.
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