recovery

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
its not finished and im looking for criticism

Submitted: March 28, 2016

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Submitted: March 28, 2016

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the beginning 


The day was Tuesday January 5th 2016. This was the day my life fell to the earth and fell into hell. This was the day one girl left me after 2 years  2 months and 5 days of love, or at least I thought it was love. To understand I will need to take you back to the day we met. The day I met Jessica. It was September 1st freshman year in 7th period math class. I was in the room with a good friend riley. 30 seconds before the bell rang for late bell a beautiful blonde haired blue eyed girl walked into the room

I was dumbstruck thinking to myself “oh god please sit next to me” but that was not the case. Instead she and one of her friends sat behind us. 

Through the entire day I looked behind me and made small talk with this girl and her friend. At first things were weird and after class they only got weirder. To her and i, we believe that what she said was the best pickup line ever. “Water fountains give you monno!” I didn't see her as she walked by but i knew it was her

The next day i was excited for math the same for every day i got to see her and that beautiful smile. It was just a normal day, as normal as highschool could be, except for one thing. This one thing was the biggest moment in my life (at that point in time). I got her number. To some that isn't a big feet, but for me it was huge. 

That day i was so excited. I googled “how to text a girl” to make sure i did everything right. I said “hay”. That was all i could think to say and a few minutes later she replied 

“Hay is for horses” 

That's when my goofiness took over

“And cows”

I immediately regretted saying that but to my surprise she laughed. 

“Hahaha. You're cute”
I said, “no im hot” i got it going. 

She replied “hahaha i agree. Can you help me with math” 

I said “always, how? 

“Well…. Do you have skype?” 

“Haha i am the master of technology. Of course i have skype.” ( i had no idea what skype was)

“Great this is my username…”

After about 20 minutes of helping her she hung up. But before that, she said “you make a great math buddy. Thank you”

My heart sank. I smiled and said nothing as she hung up. I was upset. i thought  to myself “hey i'll stay anyway because she is my friend, but i need to do something to change that.” so i did the next day was a blur because i could only think about what i was going to say to her. once math came around i was a nervous wreck, so i waited. it was 3:17 when i squeezed out my question 

At night we use to play this game called questions. We would ask about everything from favourite things to more personal matters. she told me about her past and i told her mine. all you need to know is that she hated her biological dad and i was bullied as a kid. this got us close, we both knew everything about each other, everything. that made this next part easier for me, and i think it was for her too.

“i don't usually ask this question but would you go out with me?”

she unfortunately replied, “Hayden i'm sorry but i can’t date.”

i didn’t know what to do or say. i walked her out to her bus and got on mine. i went home and cried.

earlier that same day, friday, jess heard that there was a different girl that was going to ask me to sadie-hawkins and she went home crying to her mom after i asked her out. this was when her mom said

“if it makes you feel better you can call him your...b-word but you can’t go out with him on any dates” 

she didn’t know if she was kidding or telling the truth. she waited a week to tell me. that day on the bus ride home i texted her. 

“Hey”

she didn’t reply for 2 hours. i didn’t know what to do. she was my first real girlfriend. i didn’t know what to do. so i waited and checked my phone every minute,and waited.

Later that night she texted me and apologized that she didn't message me back. she said that she was busy but later in our relationship she admitted she was nervous to text me back. she had had a “boyfriend” before but it was a middle school relationship so it didn’t really count. this matters because she thought i might turn out to be a “dick” like her previous “boyfriend” and that was understandable. i don’t think i was but if you ask her she will tell you that i was.

time went on and all i could do was fall in love. she fell hard for me and i for her. i knew nothing on the art of love but i was learning, and as time went on my life became dedicated to making this girl happy. i would do whatever it would take. night after night we would stay up tell 1 or 2 just talking and i would ask her to open up and tell me everything. if she was angry i would let her yell at me. if she was sad i would let her cry and i would comfort her and that was how it was till january 5. 

our first dance was amazing and the second but the memory that will stick in my mind the most is how she would make me dance. i am and always will be long and awkward. uncoordinated is a large part too but damnit i danced and i had fun. 

everywhere you see couples kissing hugging and being a couple. i had to wait a month to hold her hand and 3 to kiss her. that was the best moment ever. i remember it in detail,the one thing i don't remember is the movie. i was holding her in my arms and i whisper in her ear

“hey jess” this was the name i started calling her a few days before.

she replied “ya?” 

i asked “can i kiss you”

she looked at me and nodded. i leaned in and kissed her on the lips. her lips were soft and tasted like cherry.it was the best worst first kiss i had ever had. then agin it was my first kiss. she likes to say it was hers and it was. we were both so happy and after that it was just natural to kiss her. 

before that kiss there was the one at a pool. we were sitting in the hot tub and she was talking to her friend and i leaned over and kissed her cheek. she just looked at me and had her hand where i kissed. her mouth said “what was that” but her eyes and smile said “OH MY GOD YES!” 

“i looked at her and said “a thank you, you didn’t have to come swimming with me but you did”

the astonished look she gave me said “ok?’ but she kissed my cheek and said you're welcome. after we got out of the pool i was waiting for her and she walked out. i walked her to her mom and she smiled. she smiled back and left. 

after the first year things got hard. the honeymoon phase was over and there was nothing i could do. 


the middle

the middle is the space between year 1 and 2. this is when it all started going downhill...fast. the down hill started when the summer hit. we invited her camping but she could only stay for the day. that made me sad but it also made me happy that she was able to come up. as that happened though she began to see things about me she didn’t like, my stupid analogies, the way i talked, and finally we add one more thing to this very condensed list the way i acted. we started to fight more and more. we would fight to the point which we would start to cry. 

we went to dances and we had a good time but in the end she was always sad. i would do everything in my power to make her happy agin and sometimes it worked but other times it didn’t. i was still her wall so she could bounce things of of me and i simply absorbed it as it came along. 

she started to think that she wasn’t good enough for me and that she treated me like shit but in reality i loved it. she was talking to me and i couldn’t be happier. yes sometimes she would point out the bad things in me but i still loved it. she would ask me to do the same but i never could. in my eyes she was perfect and she still is today. 

in these years we were together jessica didn’t have a lot of friends and neither did i.she has a hard shell around her that she doesn’t let anybody by except the people she trusts and i was lucky enough to be one of the very few people she trusted. she told me things i would never tell anybody else and vise versa. this only made things harder for us.

october 11th was our anniversary.i had the best gift in the world picked out, a diamond necklace. this was the most expensive and most loving thing i would buy for a girl but sadly i was to late. an hour before i went into the jewelry store somebody had bought the necklace and they wouldn’t get another one for 6 months. this was the final piece of the puzzle the key in deciding she didn’t love me as her boyfriend anymore. this was the end period. 

on christmas eve she… she said she didn’t know what to do anymore and that she was thinking about leaving me.  this broke me down and i begged for more time but all she said was “hayden im not going to change you”  but i begged and she gave me more time. i asked for a week and she gave me 11 days. i wanted her to be happy, that’s all i ever wanted. 
she said that it wasn’t me it was her, i didn’t believe it for one minute but i was making her happy. i know it was all me, it always was. it was what i said, the way i acted, and what she saw in me and what she didn’t like. what she no longer loved. 

at night i cry. i could do nothing but.i know she feels bad but i feel worse. i keep telling myself that i will be ok… i don’t believe me. as i cry at night i know that it will take years for me to find the right person and just as long to get over her but it will be fine eventually.


The end of it all 

The final few days were misleading. I thought I changed her mind. I was happy. We went on dates we talked and everything seemed ok, but nothing was ok. She stopped kissing me like she did and she stopped all affection period. That should have been my first clue. The day of she would pull away from me and refused to hold my hand. That was the second clue. The third was she refused to talk to me. 

When she did talk to me all she did was cry and i was bighting my lip so I didn't. She explained to me how “it isn’t you its me” and then it happened. I couldn't hold it in and tears rolled down my face. She broke it off she kept talking but I wasn't listening and finally she hung up. I left my house and drove about 100 miles before i went to training. Every station on the radio was playing a song she liked, a song that reminded me of her, or our song. I cried harder. I was a wreck. The last thing i said to jess was “i love you”. 

“I know you do Hayden” 

Her life seams better without me. That is good but sad. I feel like all i did was bring her down and the only reason she was with me was because i made her feel safe. I know that she will find someone she can count on that was everything I wasn't. Confident not, outgoing, strong, and not a burden. That was all i was to her in the end... A 200 lbs burden


the confusion and heartbreak

The days just keep getting harder and harder. It's been 3 days since the break up and i am depressed. everything keeps coming back to my memory with every reminder of her. I see her walking the halls or in a sitting in a classroom and the happiness i've been working on for so long that day just obliterates. 

She said this was hard for her and I believe it is but she hides it so well. She looks at me and I don't see a movement in her eyes or body. I keep dreaming that everything will be ok and she will come back to me but i know she won't. She refuses to talk or make eye contact with me only bring me farther into my depression.

I have resorted to asking for the help i need because nobody has offered it. I have nobody. I know things will get easier eventually but not soon.

At lunch she was up in the library sitting alone. I saw her and was worried. I walked down to lunch and found a friend. Riley and his girlfriend Arorah were those friends. I asked them to go up and sit with her so she wasn't alone… She has had that all her life, and I didn't want her to be depressed like i was. I asked them and of course they said yes and that made me happy. Just because we are broken up doesn't mean I don't want her happy, that's all i want. 

During math today we started texting. I told her that i sent riley and arorah up to sit with her but they were stopped at the bottom of the stairs. It made me happy they tried. As we texted i could tell she slowly was becoming happy again she was smiling and making jokes, but nothing was going to change. in seventh period i was trying to talk to her but she just walked away. my heart sank, luckily we were watching a movie and i was in the back of the room so when i cried nobody could see me. 

fire all around me. ceiling panels fall around me. im wondering around looking for the missing girl in the building. i wonder into a room and see a this girl laying on the floor with panels on her. i lift the burning panels off her back and turn her over. it was megan… her eyes stuck open staring me as i stare back the building falls around me. she was the only one I could trust and she was gone...

i woke up in a panic. thank god it was just a dream. i layed in bed and cried. i had tears rolling down my face giving me a headache. blood pours from my nose and i passed out from blood lost. The next thing i know is that i wake up on the floor in a puddle of blood from my pager going off. i stood up and thought “time for another day in hell.”

Going into today I don't know how to feel. After last night's break down i guess you can call it depressed. I feel sad but I don't know how sad. I think about the times we use to have together and i start to cry, and how the day of she just seamed so normal. But i guess not. I try to laugh and have a good time but i am not strong enough. Jessica can go through the day laugh and smile like nothing happened but that's because she is stronger than me. I am happy she is doing better though. I asked some of her "friends" to keep an eye on her and to be there for her when she needs a wall and they all understand. In a way this is how i am coping. I feel as if the only way i can be truly happy again is if she is happy, but that means i have to get out of her life.

Looking forward to the future is hard
But looking back on the past is easy. I see that at one point she loved me and she cared but I also see how i gave so much up to be with her. My friends, my dog, my basketball. She also gave me everything. A purpose, speech and debate, a new way of life. Yet all this was ripped from my hands and i was left huddled on the floor crying. 

I try to look and see all the friends i had and now. Yes i have a few but i have only one best friend that i can rely on. I try to do things about it but all i ever do anymore is school (and I'm not doing that very well) work (that was another key topic to her leaving me and our fights) and firefighting (the only thing she actually liked that i did). And mix that with losing the only girl i ever loved who was my best and truly only friend besides megs, it's hard, and i just want to give up. I know i can't though, I can't show this weakness. I just need to get over it, but i need help and I don't know where to go. All i did 2nd period was cry. That's all i can do. What I don't understand is how she says she loves things that other people do. They are things i use to do. Or how she is already over me. I guess ill never know. 

She is happy without me. This is a new beginning for her. A large recovery for me. The hardest part will be watching her flirt, and not with me. I don't know how she was able to move on in 2 days but she did. 

 This is the end of my story yes there is stuff i skipped but i will never forget. I loved her and for a while she loved me. In the end it didn't matter. She stopped and will never start to love me again… No matter what i dream or think. It's over… Forever

I thought the above would be my final entry but i was wrong. It's January 15th, 10 days past and I can't anymore. I have nothing. No friends, no hope, no life. When she left she took everything. Including my happiness. I can't stop crying and all I can do is think of what we use to have. Nobody wants to help me and I've been eating alone, if i eat at all. I need someone to love me and care about me and I don't have that. I can't handle life alone, it's too much. I just want to give up, but I can't. I know that suicide isn't the answer… even if i feel like it is, i've been considering it for a few days now. I finally realized that it may feel like the end but it isn't. I'm not a coward. I will not let her win. 

I'm going to do something to get me through this so i'm going to start running am I going to run away? No. I'm just going to run. I'll be the next Forest Gump. When jess left she took my self confidence. I feel terrible about myself and this will hopefully help. Thats one thing i have back… hope. This isn't for her but for me. She can't take this away from me. 

Im going to burn her out of my life. Im burning all of the shit she has given me. All of it. She will not be in my life any more. I will have no reminder of her except for the memories i will try to suppress and when i see her in class. This will be the only Jessica i will ever see. Soon she will just be a girl amongst the crowd. And i can finally say something i was never able to say before. FUCK HER! AND DAMN HER MEMORIES IN MY HEAD! 

She left me for an ass hole. Right now i do miss her sometimes but i know i'm better without her. Its been a month and i'm slowly getting better. 

These past two months have been the hardest months of my life. Seeing someone die, failing school, feeling the way i feel. This is not how a teenager is supposed to live. I see her everyday and my heart sinks. I know she is happier without me but lately all i have felt is depression. I have one true friend that i can confide in about what i have experienced. The one thing Jessica taught me was never to love or trust again. I need out of this town, i need out of my head…i need out of the prison i call life. 

The one thing i still believe is that firefighting is for me. They are the only people i will consider family. They are the only ones i will trust with my life. 

 I can't sleep anymore, its 5 am and I haven't slept for 3 days. The headaches are killing me, my body is giving out, but anytime I close my eyes to sleep her memory passes into my head and i start to cry. My mental state had deteriorated, over these past 2 months i have lost 40 lbs and my depression keeps getting worse. I don't know what to do. I guess its time for another day at school. I would say i hope I don't see or think about her but i know i will. 

Tonight was one of the best nights i have had in a long time. I told the girl how i felt about her and i kissed her. We drove around town tell 1 am and had a great time. We talked and it was perfect. I love this girl and she loves me. Im giving love one last shot. If this doesn't work out im moving to the mountains and living like a mountain man...away from people

I actually slept lastnight. One of the first nights i have slept in 4 days. I keep thinking to myself that things keep getting better, i know she will never leave my memories but i will get over them. I will make new ones. 

Today is one of those days. Everything pisses me off, the slightest thing will send me over the edge, and my emotions are all over the map. i just want to give up. Jessica is able to be around me like nothing happened but i get sick everytime i see her. I had to take a walk today so i could control my emotions. It didn't work. I feel sick and i want to throw up but I can't. Im glad she is happy….after all that is why she left me, to be happy with a man. 

It's Tuesday morning and nothing is going to bring me down today. I won't let it. I saw Jessica and i was able to brush it off. I know this feeling wont stay around forever and today is just a good day but i need more of these days. These days are good. 

How sad is it that i feel the need to be loved. But by who? I am not the stereotypical guy. I don't have abs, im not handsome, and im nice. These are qualities that girls are looking for. Yes i need to workout to be a little more fit but other than that im undesirable. This just pushes my self confidence down even farther.

Its back.... Agin. I was having a good day but then i saw the girl i love with her boyfriend. If that wasn't enough my grandpa is in the hospital. My life sucks. I know suicide isn't the answer and i have the rest of my life to live, but i can see why people consider it. I need to leave this stupid fucking place. Its only bring my happiness down and driving my depression up. Christ i need a drink 

When does the pain stop. I have a broken rib, i am running on 3 hours of sleep in 72 hours, and I physically can't relax. I am working my body to death; all so I don't have to deal with my depression. Even though it is what keeps me up at night. I can't breathe, sleep, walk, or relax without thinking of how the girl i once loved and the girl i love now want nothing to do with me. I can't do this anymore. My body is about to crumble, my mind broke with my heart and all I can do is tape myself together and act like I'm bulletproof. 

Its been 3 days I haven't eaten or slept. It's been 144 hours since I've gotten more that 3 hours of sleep. Even longer since i've eaten a decent meal. I'm falling apart. I don't feel loved, wanted, or accepted anymore. Yet the only thing death would bring me is an eternity of rest. So i'm not giving up.... Yet. 

Im debating if i should give this to megs. Yes i love her but I can't hurt her. She's the only person i have left in the world that i trust. If i lost her i would have nothing, nobody, and no chance. But if she loves me like i hope, she won't leave. I need to trust one more time. Even though she can't be mine… Yet. 

I just lost the only person i can trust. I should've listened to my gut. I have nothing. I'll work myself to death. Then ill die doing something productive. 

Im all alone, megan hates me, Jessica left me, and i have no friends. I don't want to give up but it is looking better and better as my hope, confidence, and sociability dissipate. I don't know if i can stay here. I think i need to change schools, just disappear. 

I need to get it through my head, I can't be with megan. She has her boy, and I can't do anything about it. Yes i want them to break up so i can have her but i need to realize that… It will never happen. I need to find someone or something else to focus on. 

I am trying to stay positive but i see Jessica and megan everywhere. I sit alone in my truck and try not to cry. I always eat alone now. I can't start drinking but i want to. I just want to say fuck them both but I can't. Even though Jessica hates my guts i still have feelings for her. Megan is avoiding me but I can't stop wondering if she might make me feel better. 

I've never been more depressed. Everything i had is gone; Friends, family, confidence…life. I have two things left and I can't count on them all the time. Speech is only seasonal and firefighting is varied from week to week. I feel as if the only people i can get along with are adults and even then some think im annoying. Like me they wish I would vanish. I have gained this “don't give a shit attitude” but it's only a smoke screen to how I really feel. I feel like a worthless piece of trash. Thanks Jessica, you really showed me what i'm good for. 

I can't do this anymore. I try and try but i give up. Any time i talk to megan somehow i just piss her off. I now want Jessica would get hurt or move away (when this is read, I would never harm her or anyone else) and i am suffering from extreme stress migraines that I can't get rid of. I'm so tired of this shit life. College can't come soon enough…a new start can't come soon enough… A new life needs to come now. 

I have this constant reminder of the past. Jessica is happy hating me and megan is ferrous with me. 

Im fucking done with people! Megan gave up on me and pushed me over the edge. I am done. I am beyond pissed right now. The next person that fucks with me im going to kick the ever living shit out of them, then make them eat that shit! Im fucking done 


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