Don't pick a fight with a drinking Gypsy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
A kind of memoire to an old traveller friend of mine...'Jo' boy' from Romford in Essex; had the shortest temper and maddest rage

Submitted: July 22, 2011

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Submitted: July 22, 2011




You best call me a cab 'cos I've had enough beer

And I'm afraid to say I might just cause a scene

Look, just let me borrow your 'phone, I'm going home

To answer questions about where I've been-

If you don't ring one then I'm walking back

Which means I'm gonna get home much later than planned

I will probably fight somebody along the way

And then I'll be crucified and damned-

Right, I'll borrow someone else's fucking 'phone then

Get out of my way and let go of my arm

I need to get back to show that I care

And to weave my magical drunken charm-

Yeah, hello? can I have a taxi pleash?

One hour, you having a fucking laugh?

By the time you get here I'll be on the spirits

When I get back I'll fall asleep in the bath-

Look boys it's a quarter to three

I was gonna be home around about ten

Half the world are fast asleep

Except for 200 million Chinamen-

Okay, fuck it, that's it, I've had it

Your'e supposed to be my friends

Alright alright, one for the road and whatever

And then this evening ends-

Now look what's happening lads

Average frustrated chump is staring me out

He's coming over now, well staggering actually

Alright mate, what d'ya want? and there's no need to shout-

What do you mean I'm looking at you funny?

I was standing here just chatting and minding my own

Mate, you got the wrong end of the stick

And don't threaten me when you are stood there pissed all alone-

Now, why did you have to aim that punch at me?

'Cos that 'ain't put me in the best frame of mind

And my mates will expect me to slap you

Or stick one on you and sit you on your behind-

I'm warning you my friend to go away or else

That's my final say, so get out of my way

Oh you still want some do you? okay have this

Smack! what did I fucking say?-

Oh I 'ain't finished with you yet not by any stretch

I'm gonna down my JD first and then I'm gonna hurt you a lot

Yep, I'm done, I'm gonna'  drag you up and punch you 100 times in the head

That liquid on your face is your own blood, beer and my snot-

Fetch me a fucking glass for this mug

I'm gonna smash it into his face

I warned you when you first came over

To fuck off out of this place-

Now look what you just made me do you twat

That pint glass is sticking right out of your nose

I'm about to break both your leg and your arm

Bite your ears your cheek and tear off your clothes-

I'm gonna stamp on your face you stupid little boy

I have a history of extreme violence you prick

What's that? I did'nt hear ya

Did you say get me an ambulance quick?-

You don't need a paramedic my son, oh no

You ain't gonna make it my friend

I'm gonna carve you up like a piece of beef

For you, this is the end-

Sorry, say that again? 'cos all I can hear is gurgling

What did you say underneath your breath?

Anyway, who gives a flying fuck what you think?

You are thirty seconds from death-

You best call me a cab, 'cos I've had enough beer

And I'm afraid to say I might just cause a scene

It's half past three in the bloody morning

People will wonder at where I have been-


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