The Proliferation of Love and Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
This short non-fiction memoir reflects my encounter with hardship, life and love.

Submitted: November 24, 2011

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Submitted: November 24, 2011

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The Proliferation Of L?ve & Life

PRE-FACE

Due to the personal and confrontational recollections in this memoir, all names have been replaced to protect their identities.

In May 2010, I was confronted with health issues which saw my memory become insubstantially reliable. This, being little more of an explanation as opposed to an excuse dictated the length of this memoir. The most memorable and influential recollections are recorded here.

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As far as I could remember, the early stages of my life met the emblematic experiences of a normal child. I had an abundance of toys and material things which slowly faded with the coming of age; a brother who would provide some of the most memorable moments that I would fall witness to; and a mother who would support me even until this very moment. I grew up without my father but little did this have an effect on me as I knew no different; or exactly what I was missing out on. I have only ever seen him roughly ten times in my life, however these occasions were often missed being fabricated with countless excuses and vindications. I grew tired of broken promises and seeing high hopes being deflated; often leading to plummeting falls in trust and reliability. My father has had little impact on my life, and as such this short paragraph was all that could be devoted. In the later parts of my life I do predict myself showing more atonement with his absence, but as for now absence is all that seems to exist.

In saying, my mother has always been here for me in the happiest and saddest parts of my life. The love only a mother could provide has and will always be a positive influence. Words could not satisfy an appropriate explanation or repayment of everything she has done for me. The purpose of this memoir is not to express my gratitude, although let it be shown a never ending love of appreciation will always be present. This memoir was drafted to detail my life story, my experiences and downfalls, and my encounters with love and life. And it all began in the year 2008 that my life took a turn for the worst, but also for the better.

2008

The start of my final years of High School, everything seemed to progress as normal; studies became important and friendships began to form as they were soon to be broken by life’s transient stages of growing up and moving on. Two years left with this group of people, correlating with the past five years as a cohort, it was a time for reflection and the growth of new acquaintances. It often goes unseen, but it similarly reflected a time of revenge and detestation. It became a time when opportunity to satisfy their ‘bucket list’ of resentment started to diminish and a rush to succeed took form. It was as if all maturity had died and umbrage fuelled their behaviour.

In the later stages of the year a rumour had been spread about me in regards to a ‘love letter’ being sent to a member of our year. In turn the rumour extended to my sexuality, of which is a plague in school settings. At first instance I brushed this rumour off taking no notice; not knowing what implications this rumour would have. I constantly denied questions put forward by fellow classmates and continued school life as usual. However, the situation never seemed to reach resolution. Month by month the severity of this rumour escalated, reaching heights that would never see a healthy determination. Spread throughout the entire school I felt a sense of betrayal and fell into the deep abyss of darkness and isolation. Classmates began to taunt me and constantly branded their disgust and my seclusion with slurs such as ‘faggot’, ‘fag’ and ‘gay cunt’. Even though it was based on a rumour in which the truth I knew, these comments still impacted on my psychological state. I had food thrown at me during recess, clusters of students staring at me with judgmental eyes which resulted in conversation, and my own friends disowning me. Going from someone who could walk around the playground and be welcomed into any group discussion, to not being able to talk to a single person was traumatic. I had lost over eighty per cent of my friends; or should I say I realised that they were not my friends initially. For the final months of my schooling life I was isolated from friendship and school work was adding stress into my daily life. I ate breakfast, recess and lunch in the toilets; being by myself was the only chance I could get not be judged, ridiculed or despised. I was alone and hurting; life often became worthless. It would seem that my life was constantly exposed to vulnerability and derision; something of which was extremely difficult to cope with. Life became unliveable.

Daily I would be forced to cope with agonising psychological pain. Nothing was aiding or providing solution for this torture. Each day became a struggle and it was not something I could sustain. I needed to end it all. This was the beginning of my extreme depression; however I had developed a skill to hide all emotion in creating a happy visage. Depression saw me hit rock bottom as life was not worth living. I began to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies as an option of remedy. Day by day this thought grew stronger until it became the only option. I was consumed by this thought; this idea that it became a convincing possibility. It drove me crazy. I had decided that it was the solution to everything.

The decision had been made as I stood in my bathroom ready to end it all. The bathtub slowly filled with water as the electrical appliance of choice stood ready. Was it going to be over quickly I thought to myself? It did not matter to me; I just wanted it to be over. Clothed and ready, I placed one foot into the bath when a rushing thought went through my mind. My only friend during my time of struggle, who shall remain nameless, gave me inspiration to live. Throughout this entire ordeal, he spoke to me daily and became my little brother; as I became his mentor. He cared for me and made me see that I meant something to him and to the world. He also made me realise that suicide is such a selfish act in that it does not vanquish pain, yet it distributes it over the people associated to that person. The moments before my life could have ended I thought of the impact in which my death would have on ‘him’. His loving care and friendship showed me the best parts of living. He saved my life and became my hero and my reason to live. For the rest of my time I will be forever grateful for what he has done for me; I owe him my life. What followed from this situation defined the meaning of life and of love, and from 2009 onwards my world was changed.

The New beginning

Given another chance at life I began to see things in a new light. I learnt to never take things for granted, live every day to the full and never let people influence or dictate how I wanted to live. The moment he saved me I grew fond of our friendship and in fact I felt a degree of love for him; without him I would not be here today. We shared a bond that I could trust and rely on when in times of need. He was there for me at my darkest time and I vowed to be there for him as well. This love grew day by day as I began to appreciate and come to terms with how much he has done for me. The amount of devotion and care he showed me defined the life I was going to live. It was a couple months after he saved me that I decided to tell him how I was beginning to feel. I expressed my growing love for him and explained the impact he has had on my life already. Unfortunately he did not feel the same level of love for me as I had hoped and we continued to live together as friends; him still being my saviour. A year went past as we both still played a huge part in each other’s lives; I was there for him when he needed help and he was there for me. This was a characteristic in our friendship that would never cease.

In April of 2011, he had mentioned that he may be growing a degree of love for me too. He had realised that the amount of care that he had for me was far too great for just a normal friendship. Love is often shown through jealousy, and in this instance he became envious of a friendship that I had with another person. He had said that he hates the thought of me caring for someone more than I did for him, which led to the realisation that I was important to him and needed to be a part of his life too. In the following two months we faced many difficulties in understanding what was happening and if these feelings were true. I had known these feelings were accurate the day he saved my life, yet for him it was hard to come to terms with his emotions. The very same person who he had grown jealous of also became an influential part in us two understanding the love we have for each other. After countless deliberations, we finally understood the nature of events and just how important we were to each other. Destiny would suggest that everything happens for a reason, and if it wasn’t for him than our love would not exist today.

On the sixth of July, we spent the first day together being ‘ourselves’. We got to love each other openly and found that life without each other, as shown before could have been fatal, or to a lesser extent not as fulfilling. We found that love is not just a word, but an attachment; a feeling of needing to be with someone in order to be happy. Love, defined in our own discussion was being able to be ourselves without fear of judgement, regardless of gender. It is also willing to sacrifice your own life in order to save the person you care about, but also sacrificing other things along the way. We found that we were important to each other and that it was essential that we never lost what we have. We were in love.

Our story defines our devotion to each other. He brought me out of darkness, he saved my life and I brought him from a path which he did not want to travel. Before he denounced his love for me, he began to experiment with the female population. He was turning into a hormone driven teenager who would create a negative name for himself. Through his love for me, and with my help, he changed his ways and became a more respectable and truthful man of which I am proud of. Since our commitment he has not gone down this path again and often thanks me for helping him change. The power of love concedes all possibilities, and it is through love that the best in people are revealed.

‘I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you’

  • Roy Croft

If my experiences in life could tell me, it is that in our darkest times our true friends are revealed and that there are three types of people in life; good people, bad people and extraordinary people. There are very rarely any extraordinary people in this world, but if you do get the privilege to meet someone like this then you should never let them leave. I have only ever met one person who was extraordinary; that being the friend who brought my partner and me together. Although some of you may be wondering what about my partner, is he not extraordinary? Well as cliché as it may sound, the love of my life far exceeds the classification of extraordinary; if not one of a kind. There will never be anyone as caring or respectful as him, nor anyone who could make me as happy as he does. And it is often through peculiar experiences that we find someone who can influence our lives for ever. It was then, in my darkest times when the proliferation of love and life was found and would forever be kept.

06/07/11 – Present Day.

Until forever xx


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