behind doors

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

they stay behind doors. Try to emxplain it all. can you?

I walked into therapy, I was having a completely shitty day. I sit in that chair and ask myself why all these people are here. Then they bring up the body check i had failed, scars on my wrists, scars on my thighs, scars on my stomach. They say they realize i need more help then i am currently receiving, They bring up how the cutting is getting a lot worse, deeper, and simply just more. They bring up how they want to send me to Kids Peace (hospital) for a while. My hearts sunk into my stomach, my pulse raised to the max, i could feel and hear my heart pounding in my head, and i didn't know what to say or feel. The one thing i never wanted to do, that i tried my best to stay away from was being hospitalized at all. But, i must agree to go so i don't make a fool of myself. I leave after several moments waiting there. Then, I am sent to the ER to get a clearance. I waited about 2 hours. Finally the ambulance had arrived and i was in my paper scrubs, I climb into the ambulance and sit back. My mom is in the suburban fallowing not far at all from the back. We get there, to kids peace, and we step out into the main office where the lady asks my name, its colorful and pretty, well to me its annoying and ugly. Then i have to go to an interview in an little room with my mom, her boyfriend, and my sister, there i am asked several questions. Then we say our good byes.

I am walked through hallway after hallway, door after door, and passing units. Then i finally make it to mine, Its not colorful, its dark and i can already feel the pressure. I crawl into my "bed" which is really just a plastic mattress, and i fall asleep. I wake up in the morning to screaming and yelling from some crazy kids. I wake up, pick up my head and say in my head "welcome to hell." I have a roommate but I'm a little afraid of what she might be. What if shes crazy? Or what if she screams and yells like the kids across the unit. I get out of "bed" and walk up to the counter the lady behind it gives me an annoying attitude "Uhm.. wait On the red line just like everyone else has to." I can already tell this is going to be the worst. 
I go to the back of the unit where some couches and chairs are out for people to sit in and there's 4 tables behind them, Boys on one side, girls on the other. Its time for breakfast, so all the kids in the unit come to the back. One of the staff looks over at me "you may go get your food." I stand up grab one of the bowls placed on the table, I walk over to sit down I don't really know anyone so i hope I'm not a bother. Everyone else is eating their food I just push it around to make it look like i did. I cant eat, I'm not hungry and if i do eat I'll get even more fat. Maybe I'll just look like I'm fat to if i eat. The girl sitting at the table next to the one I'm at is staring out the window, She starts crying uncontrollably and runs out of the back room. I cant help but wonder what was going through her head, was she going through the same thing? Was she just here thinking the same thing i am feeling so alone? One of the boys gets up and sings slapping his ass, I lay my head on my hand on the table and shake my head, hes not even funny. I think loudly in my head, I'm going to hate it here.
I go to my room and lay down, I slowly dose off into a sleep while everyone else is at gym. A moment of peace where i can actually be away from all these other kids! I cant help but wonder if some of them think im fucked up and insane because im quiet just like i feel that for thoes kids who are truely out of it. I begin to go into a dream, there i am. I'm looking at my self and im crying sitting on my bed. I grab a blade and sit on the bed and put the shiney piece of metal to my wrist. I'm writing with silver and it comes out red. I am sleeping but i still feel the emotion, the depression is drowning me. I go to the bathroom and put my arm in the sink and clean my wrist off. I go back out to my room and grab my blue sweatshirt to cover the bloody cut up wrists. How could I possibly go out and have somebody see them. I go to lay on my bed. when my body hits the bed my body begins to drop quickly, I end up in a weird place. Everything is a beautiful black except for the red that covers my wrist. I see a door, I walk over to the door and walk in. Theres a big tall black figure, with arms and legs. and a chain with a big heavy weight at the end. The mad looks deeply at me and chokes me against a wall. He puts the chain on me and tells me its my depression, as if my depression is a weight. I then fall again and this time i end up in my room, I rip the chain off of my body. I hang a rope on a hook on my ceiling and stand on a chair in front of it. I tie a loop hole at the end and i put it around my kneck. I step off the chair and wake up instatly!
Why did i have a dream like that? What the fuck happend? It was so different, So morbid. It was dark and amazingly horrifying. It was just like my feelings where printed into a movie. Like my dream was a short film, it was so clear and it looked like real life. I sit up in my bed and rub my eyes. A man walks in and asks me if im okay. I just look down and shake my head yes. Then i grab the covers lay back down and cover my head.
I hear the phone ringing over and over again.  No one bothers to answer it even though three staff members are standing at the desk right near it. It stops and starts again. Finally someone picks up the phone "Hello?" I finally hear them call my name, i guess the calls for me. I walk out to the phone and listen to my mother worried. "Mom whats wrong? Im okay mom i promise!" My mom tells me that thats not it. I am completely.... "what do you mean, whats wrong.?" My mother bursts and starts crying unconrolably "Mom whats going on? TELL ME MOM! whats going on your scaring the hell out of me!!" I hear her, Drop the phone and fall to the floor in tears,I put my hands on my head and cry uncontrolably, That couldnt happen NO not to him WHY? I had just found out that my little brother was anorexic with "dont eat" carved into his stomach. Thats not the part that got to me so badly, He had staved himself in the wrist. Hes in the hospital and the doctors say hes not doing good, hes still unconsious and his hearts slowing. They tell them they have to cut the life support. So my little brothers going to die and im not going to be there to even say goodbye. A phone call to him isnt good enough. I need to look at him hug him and say goodbye. I need to look him in the eyes and let him know that i will always love him no matter what and that its okay to let go.
I go into my bed, I curl up in a ball and think to much. I'm crying and i cant help but picture him in my head, Picture the blood pouring from his beautiful skin. He was to young so why? Why him!? He was such a caring boy, So nice and he had not one worry. Or at least thats what he seemed, Why would he have depression. FUCK THIS WORLD! I hate life! I need to be able to say goodbye i need to get the fuck out and see him. He cant die liike this! not without me! No why? Its all my fault if i was there maybe i could of saved him but know im here while hes suffuring depression! While hes laying in the hospital dying! What if i cant even call him. Then I wont be able to say goodbye to him at all. In anyway! 
One of the staff mebers walks in and asks me how my phone call. I look at her like shes stupid, and im pissed! "How do you think it went? I only dropped the phone and fell in tears because it was fucking amazing, Go away! I really dont want to be near anyone right now so please go away and give me some space?!?" I didnt mean to be rude, It really isnt her fault but I'm so destroyed right now. I cant believe it... It cant be true.
I get another call, "Hey im sorry. Hes being pulled off so you should call him now if you want to say your goodbyes. I hang up and ask to call my brother. He answers the phone and I try to ignore the horror in his voice."Hey, I'm sorry i failed you. Your such a good sister." I start to cry "They took me off life support, I'm going to die. I'm going to have to be without you." I wipe my eyes. "I love you" "youll never without me ill always be with you." He starts to cry " I feel myself letting go. "i love you." "goodbye" I start to cry and i say "I love you goodbye" I hear his breath and i hear a high pitched beep as if his heart has stopped. "NO, you there. You okay? please answer me please be okay" I know hes gone but i still whisper into the phone "I'm coming with you, I'll see you soon." I feel the tear role down my cheek as i hand them the phone.
I go into my room and sit on my bed. I look around, I grab the pants on my dressor and tie them around my kneck tight . I cant breath. Ill be with him. Minutes pass and I feel my body letting go everything is blurry and its now turning black. I see a staff walk in and run to me but its to late. Then, right there its black. Im dead so i guess.. Its the end.
I see him, My brother. He runs to me and jumps into my arms hugging me. He asks me why I would end it just for him and i tell him because I love him, Well now I'm with him and I know my mom will be upset but soon she will be over it. I walk with my brother as if theres no end to our path. I see barely anything around us other that colors. He pulls up his sleav and shows me the scar that ended his life. I pull up mine and show him the cuts that remain. He kisses them and asks me while my kneck is red Iook at him and say, "I wanted to be with you, thats why."


Submitted: November 29, 2014

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