suicide

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
What did i do to myself. Bloody wrists and drugs.. ropes knives and pills... someone save me from myself

Submitted: June 11, 2014

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Submitted: June 11, 2014

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It all started when I was 11 years old and i realized that I am not like the average kid. I came from a family with a dad that broke us all apart more and more. Its hard to deal with a man who is alway out drunk or doing some type of drug.... Loves hard when everytime you love something or someone they either die or push you away. When I was 11 I took a blade I had found on the counter in the kitchen. I put it to my wrist and carved in into my skin, I watched the my blood come out of my arm and my depression suddenly felt okay for a second or two. So i did it again puting the corner of the blade into my soft wrist deeper then before.. Although it hurt a lot it was relief, A way to run away from what I had been feeling. Nothing was the same, I got confused after the third cut because I hadn't a clue where I got the idea from. Soon I realized, I got the idea becasue I wanted to punish myself and have relief from my mental pain, what a better way to unish myself then to hurt myself, and what a better way to take away some mental pain with physical pain. The cold breeze rushed over my wrist and I knew then I had to cover it up with a sweater or someone would think I am completely crazy, so I did. I knew it wasnt a good thing to do, actually I felt like I was a little crazy.

Some years past by still cutting and cutting more, lots of blood and tears and hell definantly alot of fear. But i wasnt going to let my fear define me, I wasnt going to let it control me. So why in the world do I let my depression control me? The answer is i have no idea. I guess its easier to not care at all then to care even slightly about myself. Plus how would I like me? I am in my eyes ugly, fat, nasty, and just simply when i look in the mirror I think 'what the fuck is wrong with me'? because i believe i am completely ugly.

I stoppped eating and Ana (anorexia) became my 'best friend' and the times that i barrely ate i would throw up afterwords. I wanted to be skinny so bad, I would do anything in the world, Thats why I stopped eating. Why eat when you can fast all together and lose weight. I kept calm and let the hunger pains pass. Thats when it got worse

I started smoking pot over and over again. I smoke it any time i get the slightest chance to. My mom found out eventually and smoking pot got her completely pissed off, more than I've ever seen before. I tried commiting suicide but failed. A while later I snorted oxicodone and then about maybe 3-4 mounths later I took some adoral. I use to be prescribed aderal but it was a late prescription because I stopped taking it do to other medications I had started.

Then I went to Kids Peace® out patiant therapy, Then I was hospitalized twice in 2 mounths. I now go to out patiant therapy, Drug and alcohol therapy,and at home therapy.

I play the guitar and I want to play the drums. I am a female and I do have a girl friend. I lost My virgintiy and I thought I was pregnant, I tried to commit suicide 15 times with pills or hanging myself, I self harm, I love music, I listen to bands, and I felt worthless. We can say I've been through hell.

I am now working on bringing my grades up.I am getting better, the guy that took my virginity is talking to me again. I still want to expirement with drugs and I am still strugling with self harm and depression and I have a lot of anger .I always feel like nothing will ever get better but it will. Now imgoing into 9th grade, I am joining phycology classes, I am going to collage and getting myphycology degree and if i dont im joining a band. Trust me, I promise you. Even if it is hard now, It does get better.


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