My Addicted Son/What About the Fear?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Life with a heroin addicted child

There is one thing that never seems to go away when you have a son who is a drug addict, for that matter, anyone that you know and care about be it a family member or friend or friend of a friend, whoever this person is to you, is fear. It seems that there is always something to be scared of, either that or I find something to be scare of. I'm not sure which one it is and it doesn't matter, its there. Its funny because right now Tyler is in jail so he is safe. After jail, he goes straight into rehab, doesn't even see the streets. I know you may think that there is nothing to be afraid of but it seems like there is always something to fear. For example, when he was living with me and would come home, I would be afraid of what kind of shape he would be in. I know now that alot of the time, if not all the time, he was high, to the sky high. I have told you before how kind of naive and just outright drug stupid I am and this is a perfect example. I would get a spoon out of the drawer and it would have a scorch mark on the bottom and I had no idea how it got there. It never occurred to me that it was from a lighter. I did notice that my spoons eventually just started disappearing and it would drive me crazy. Of course, he and his brother were always taking bowls and spoons to their rooms and eating and I wouldn't see them for days (the dishes that is) until I finally got mad and made them bring all of them down, which they never did. Another sure sign that I didn't realize until it was too late is the fact that none of his shoes ever had shoestrings in them. No, it never, ever occurred to me to check it out, but, as I have said before, what I knew about drugs could be put into the very tip of my pinky fingernail. What I know now would at least fill it up. I remember going to bed and would be afraid of what I would find when I got up. I have found the stove left on all night, the garage door left up all night which meant that anyone who wanted to had access to our house. I have found the front door unlocked and left open all night long, along with the back door. Its crazy to wake up and your first emotion is fear. After the truth comes out and you know everything and they are out of the house, you fear what they are doing, and you are ALWAYS afraid of getting that phone call, the one that no parent ever, ever wants to get. You fear who they are running around with, or maybe fear isn't the right word, maybe worry is more appropriate. He would steal stuff from a store, take it back and say he didn't have a receipt, get a store gift card, then go to a machine that buys unused gift cards for partial value and use that to buy his drugs. I was always afraid he would get caught and go to jail, but most of the time I was hoping he would get caught. 
But do you know what fear that I have that seems to be out of place? Fear of the future..what happens when he gets out, what happens if he relapses, what if he can't find a job, what if he can't find a good enough job to support himself..what if, what if, what if. Yes, this is how it is for me and I'm trying so hard to figure out what to do with this fear. It can feel like it takes your breath away at times. I don't want these to be my fears, but they are. I don't know how to put them to bed, or if thats even possible.


Submitted: July 26, 2015

© Copyright 2021 Linda G. All rights reserved.

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BritinBcn

At the very least he has a caring annd supportive mother much more than many addicts, I am sorry to hear of your story, although I am no saint myself (well I smoke pot from time to time but I suppose that's legal most places these days) I am obviously a little naieve as I had to google what the shoe laces would have been used for, so this article enlightened me.
I hope your son gets back on the right track and that he has a great future.
All the best.

Sun, July 26th, 2015 10:19pm

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Thank you..I do love and support him and want him to get better toi

Mon, July 27th, 2015 6:08am

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