She stood in the kitchen with her eyes swollen from the tears that had fallen. Life is hard. This is no secret. At times, it can be so hard that you feel like giving up. She was tired of being strong all of the time. She was exhausted from pretending that one day, this would all change. She had waited for that day for many years and it still had yet to come. She was now convinced that it would never change.
She continued to stand there and look out of the window above the kitchen sink. She stared at the street and the cars that passed by and thought about her life.
When she was little, she imagined what her life would be. Now, she was simply disappointed. The truth was, she disliked her life.She imagined her life would be filled with happiness but that is the one thing that her life lacked. All she did was work and everyday she would force a smile on her face so no one would ask questions. The friends that she had would never understand her. She found herself looking at the clock many times during the day thinking to herself that her life was ticking away and what a waste it was. This wasn't living. So many times, she had tried to changethisbut it would always end the same way. As she stood there thinking, her vision became blurred again and tears began to fall.
She put her hands over her face so she wouldn't see her reflection in the window. She was so disappointed with herself. While she was crying, she heard her phone ring. At first, she wasn't going to answer it but then decided to just in case it was an emergency.
She walked over to the dinner table where her phone was placed and saw that it was someone of which she didn't want to ignore. Her childhood sweetheart who was now married was calling.
She quickly composed herself and answered.
"Hello" she said shakily.
"Hey you. I was wondering if you wanted to take an evening cruise with me" he said.
"Now isn't a good time." As she said this, her voice cracked. She was hoping he wouldn't notice but he knew her and immediately knew that something was wrong.
"Hey? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"Look, I have to go. We'll just have to see each other another time. Bye" She hung up as he was in the middle of saying something but she didn't hear what he said.
She hated the fact that she had hung up on him but she was upset and hearing his comforting voice made her want to cry again. He had once told her secretly that he wished that they had ended up together and she wished the same. He was the only guy whom she felt comfortable with and trusted. Guilt settled in from her being so rude to him and tears formed once again. She went back to the kitchen and decided to do the dishes, hoping that it would take her mind off of things.
As she started the dishes, she would occasionally stop and cry. She felt so weak and she hated feeling like this. She felt like dark skies followed her everywhere all of the time.
She managed to compose herself and continue with the dishes. As she was starting to wash the next plate, she heard a knock on the door. She dropped the plate in the sink. Oh no. Don't tell me he came. I can't see him. I don't have the strength to. She grabbed the towel off of the counter next to the sink and dried her hands. After doing so, she slowly walked to the door, glancing at a nearby mirror. She saw that her eyes were swollen, her hair was a mess and she looked exhausted.
She stood in front of the door for a moment, taking deep breaths. Don't cry. No more crying. You can't cry. Be strong.
She unlocked the door and opened it only to see that it was him.
He looked at her with a sympathetic expression upon his face and said, "Hey you. May I come in?"
She said nothing but nodded and stood aside so he could come in.
He made his way to the small living room as she walked back to the kitchen. As she went back to washing the dishes, she felt his eyes on her.
"Are you okay?"
She kept washing the dishes, scrubbing harder and harder, "I'm fine." She said it quickly with a firm voice.
He came over and stood next to her, softly grabbing her arms from the water, "Okay stop. Stop and look at me."
At first she tried getting out of his grip but then gave in to him. He turned her to him and she looked up at him. He was concerned. He once told her that he would only be truly happy if he knew that she was.
"Now, are you okay?"
She nodded that she was but the look he was giving her made tears form into her eyes. She then nodded that she wasn't. She started to sob and he pulled her into him, rubbing her back trying to comfort her. She couldn't manage to calm down.
"Hey, it's okay. Just let it out."
She continued to sob. Only he would understand what she was going through as he had felt the same in the past.
As she stood there in his arms sobbing, she thought to herself how this was wrong. Someone who is married to another woman shouldn't be comforting another. She then backed away from him, wiping the tears off of her face. As much as she wanted him to take care of her, she knew that it wasn't right.
"I think you should leave. Please, just go" she said.
"I'm not leaving until I know that you're alright."
After he said this, she became angry. "Look, I'm fine. It was nice of you to come but I want you to leave."
He looked confused and a bit hurt, "Why won't you let me help you? I have known you your whole life and I know when you're lying. You're not fine."
"I may not be right now but I will be."
"Okay, so why won't you let me help you right now?"
Before she could stop herself, she shouted, "Because it's not your damn job! I don't need you to take care of me. You can't take care of me. Don't you understand that?"
They both stood there for a moment in silence until he said, "I'll always care. And it may not be my job but I sure as hell wish it was. I wish you would just realize that you can't just push away people who try to help."
She turned around so her back was facing towards him. She couldn't look at him. She didn't want him to see her like this.
"Will you please look at me?"
She didn't say a word.
"Look at me." He was now right behind her. She then turned around and faced him.
"Let me help" he whispered. He then walked over to the dining room table and sat down, "Talk to me."
At first she hesitated but then went over to the table and sat down. They both sat there, talking the whole night about what was wrong. He gave her good advice as he always did and they continued to talk about whatever came to their minds. That night, they forgot about who they were and just focused on each other. They understood one another and even though they were both laughing at the end of the night, they were both close to tears because it had been awhile since either one of them had smiled.
© Copyright 2016 Lindsey Renea. All rights reserved.
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