My 39th birthday was the catalyst for the eventsthat wouldtake place inmy life in the year to come. The realization that my 40th birthday was right around the corner haunted my thoughts. My
youngest child was off to school full days.. The sexual dysfunction that had plagued my marriage had only gotten worse over the last decade and my frustration gnawed at me like a teething puppy. How many more nights would I go to bed alone and frustrated? I was convinced that I would turn 40, my looks would soon deteriorate and my vagina would shrivel up and fall away, disintegrate to dust, like an unused limb. I would grow old going to bed night after night with this man who was my best friend by day and a complete stranger by night . I could count the number of times my husband and I made love on one hand. I would usually start counting around new years, and by summer the total loomed at 3. I pleaded with him to take action, find a doctor, a sex therapist, take testosterone, watch porn, stop running so much, I even encouraged him to visit the infamous bunny ranch on his annual trip to Las Vegas. I would prance around our bedroom in my sexiest bra and panties, or completely nude, but he never noticed me. As the longtime sexual aggressor in our relationship, I had become resentful and tired, no longer did I desire his attentions which to me felt like pity rather than desire. We were awkward now, too much attention had been paid to what should have been spontanious. I would meet my friends for coffee and the conversation always turned to sex. I called our weekly get together sex in the suburbs, or in my case sexless . My friends talked about how their husbands couldn't get enough, they complained as if it were a chore. I felt a gender reversal, I was desperate, like Peg Bundy in Married With Children. I tried to convince myself that every other aspect of our marriage was enviable, so what if my friends had more sex, I have more of everything else,my husband is a wonderful provider and father, and nothing in life is perfect. I convinced myself of this for over a decade. The more people I talked tofriends, family, pychologists, basically whoever would listen, therealization struckthat it was terribly abnormal. I longed for a man to want me,to pay attention, ,to whisper in my ear and fill me with lust and desire. Finally, around my 39th birthday,the reality sunk in that it was not to be, the prescription of Viagra sat untouched in the medecine cabinet covered in dust, symbolic of our sex life.......
Fortunately or unfortunately for me,, my sex drive was in overdrive. I felt like a boy crazy teenager I also felt sexier than ever, and I must have been emanating sexual vibes as I was getting some attention,like a dog a dog in heat, other dogs come suddenly appear, like cockroaches in the dark. After child rearing and working out for over a decade, I felt confident that I had my high school body back (except for my ravaged from breastfeeding breasts) I discovered botox, worked out every day , threw out my sweats and started paying attention to my clothes. I also began to spend ridiculous amounts of money, on clothes, dental work, you name it. I wasn't afraid, I was determined. I felt the need to take the world by the testicles and go for it. I was desperate to find a lover, I had been fantasising about it for years, now there was no turning back. My guilt was assuaged by the fact that Peter hadneglected me for so long, I couldn't wait on my side of the bed another moment. I had served over a decade of faithful service and my life was flying by. Coincidentally, right around my birthday we decided to buy an elliptical machine and began searching Craigslist. Craigslist, a virtual flea market where you can find anything from a luxury home to tickets to the Red Sox, to a transgendered escort. I quickly became addicted to the site, there are at least a dozen or more men for every woman .. Well...we found the elliptical, and I discovered the personals. I soon discovered the expression MILF, admittedly, it's not the most potically correct acronym, it stands for mother I'd like to fuck, we are also called "yummy mummys" and we are a popular breed with men. Maybe we've always been, and I never knew until I got here. If there ever was a time to try and find a man to have an affair with, it's now, it's happening on the internet. I also creditthe popularity of thesexy housewife to the show Desperate Housewives. Glamorized, upper middle class housewives having sex with their sexy young gardeners. We are confident, sexy, drive carpools, lunch with girlfriends and drive men of all ages crazy, teenage boys, their dads,even their grandad's. The confidence we exude is a turn on, we don't do shy or timid, we have opinions and vast knowledge, we know what we like and are not afraid to go and claim it. The fact that we are married is a huge turn on,when a man has sex with another mans woman, they feel powerful. It's almost caveman mentality.What I've discovered this year is that there is a plethoraof horny married menliving in sexless marriages. I recently read a great posting by a married man on CL, it went something like this:
Top ten reasons to have an affair with a married man:
1. They are always starved for sex and give you all you want.
2. You are the most important date on their calendar
3. They are probably not doing it with anyone else whatsoever
4. They'll tell you its the best bj they've ever had in their life and honestly mean it
5. They will tell you things they have never told anyone else and actually listen when you do the same
6. They will make you feel like the most desired woman in the world
7. They won't leave you for another woman, because you're probably her
8. When you find another boyfriend, they have to take it quietly
9, They always pay for the room
10. You never lose your independence
From my experiences this past year these reasons above are accurate, and my affairs have salvaged my self esteem. I can't say the same for my marriage, which I compare to a sculptor and his piece. He chips away to find the answer and after working and sweating and chipping away, sometimes you are left with nothing, and then there's no turning back.
My 40th birthday is just 2 weeks away, and I have to say that the past year has been traumatic, illuminating, exciting, scary, wonderful, and simply amazing. I have found love and lost it. I have made amazing connections and met interesting people. I have had better sex, and felt better about myself this year than ever before. I have no regrets, only stories which I feel inexplicably compelled to tell.
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