Coffee and Tears

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Warning: Great Wall of Text Up Ahead. Also minor cussing, so if you're sensitive to it, you've been warned.

I was feeling down one evening and decided to write this.. thing. I think it classifies as an essay... maybe.

It's just an expression of my emotion basically.

Submitted: November 08, 2013

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Submitted: November 08, 2013

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Fuck you. The first time we met, I thought you were alright. I told myself, “Don’t judge him yet. You don’t know him. He seems fine I guess. He seems to be nice.” But that was before all the pain and suffering you’ve made me go through. I cried for a whole night and even blew my top because of what you’ve done.

 

The following day I calmed down and thought that maybe we just got off on the wrong leg. Maybe you’re worth another chance. That afternoon, I confronted you. I told you what was wrong and you told me what you thought as well. You said you’d do something about it. I thought you meant it. I thought you actually listened to me. But really, I don’t think you care. I think you’re just about as forced to do this as I am. But at least I’m actually doing what was agreed on. I’m even trying to extend my patience and understand you. But I just can’t see any reason for you to keep doing this to me, to us. I thought you would change. But you didn’t.

 

Weeks after, we didn’t meet nor talk to each other much. I thought maybe, just maybe, things would turn out better this time ‘round. I was stupid to believe that. Right now, you’re doing exactly the same thing you’ve done the last time I lost it. But I’m not going to cry over it. You are not worth it.

 

I’m only doing this for him. He showed me true compassion and love. He was my mentor, my friend and my ally. Sure, he could be a little harsh. But it was only when necessary. He was always open and generous. Despite his intimidating appearance at first, I warmed up to him and he showed me the side that I have learned to love. He sacrificed a lot and even stood up for me because he believed in me. He could see how much it hurt me. He stood by me in dark times and celebrated with me during those glorious days.

 

But when what I was fighting for was given to me, there was a catch – they told me they had to take him away. They didn’t like him. I didn’t know why. Everyone loved him. He was an honest and good man. I didn’t understand why, but he told me to keep holding on. He told me to keep fighting and to show them they were wrong. He wanted me to show them what I was really capable of, and that they’d regret their decisions.

 

They told me that they would find someone to replace him. I knew no one could. But he said that I shouldn’t feel sad about it. I should treat his replacement with the same love and respect and loyalty as I would treat him. I told him I’d do that. I told him I would try even if it was hard, even if I knew it was probably impossible. Then they gave me you. I’m trying to do as he says. But you’re making it impossible. You said we’d be partners and that we’d help each other out. But what I can see is that I’m carrying the burden of the both of us.

 

I’m doing everything. I’m trying. I really am. I used to love this. This used to be my dream. Not anymore. This isn’t what I wanted. It isn’t the same. This is definitely not what I had fought for and toiled for. Instead of helping me out while I’m already burdened with so much, you’re giving me even more problems.

 

Now everyone seems to be mad and I feel as if I am to blame because I so eagerly fought for this. But I know, I did nothing wrong. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just doing what I know is right. But you’re making everything worse and putting the blame on me. Sure, you didn’t do anything. But that’s exactly it. You DIDN’T do anything. Fuck, you think that I’d just blindly obey you just because I’m obliged to? No.

 

I only have one or two reasons why I’m still doing this. You aren’t one of them. In fact, you’re the one making me regret this decision. I know you’re merely doing what you’re told… sort of. But it’s just not right. You don’t even stand up for me. In fact, if I knew any better you’re actually against me. I hate you. But I try not to. I try to see why you do what you do. But I just can’t. I don’t know why I even tried to believe you when you said you’d try to help.

 

I hate you. I don’t want to hate you. I don’t want to be mad. But you give me so much reason to do so. I just want all this to end. I just want you to go away. I wish things would be back to the way they were before. If I had given up, maybe I wouldn’t be suffering as much. I don’t know.


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