I just simply can't afford to hurt her. She doesn't deserve it. I don't deserve her, but here we are, all waiting for a choice to made. My choice: Do I really love her? It pains me to even think about this. I don't love her. I hold everything for her but love, and I can't understand why. I hold her in the highest regard I have, I have this 'urge' that I need to take care of her, but I don't feel any passion inside me. What would she say? She might just say \"okay, I understand\", but I know far too well from my own experience that I'm still killing her. I can't stand to be a murderer. Why can't I love her? Why... why can't I love anymore? It's just another reason to hate myself. I've already rejected myself from my own life, but I still follow myself around. I guess there's no escaping me yet though, huh? I have to wait until I get to Heaven, then maybe this will all go away. I'm completely restless, honestly. Ever since I was eight, I've had these purpke rings under my eyes, and a good night's sleep doesn't help them. I think I'm also mentally and spiritually restless, although I that's really my faut there. I keep trying to do life on my own, even though God is right here with me. But I'm too prideful. I just keep going no matter how hard things get, all the while thinking to myself, \"I'm doing this to show the world what God can do through a loser like me\". I don't know, nowadays I just want to relax. But I can't relax. I can't stop worrying, working moving, thinking, anything. Even in my dreams I am restless (switchfoot reference). Actually, I don't have dreams. I might have them. I think I hear them, but the motions of it all is hidden by a dark veil in my head, so really it's just fustrating noise all night long whole I'm unconscious. I wonder if any of this relates to my lack of love? I just don't know anymore, but I know I can't live without it. God's love is enough, but I feel it through the people around me. I can't afford to lose any of it, or I'll go insane. I might as well be insane: just look at what I'm doing to my poor girlfrined, getting her mixed up in this. I don't care if she doesn't mind, I can't afford to lose her. I never could afford. But I also can't let her just dwindle herself down into nothingness. But she's also my friend. I don't want to lose another friend. My heart can't take it... or mybe it can. I heard a quote that said \"a man never knows his limits until he surpasses them\" (I'm paraphrasing). I know, I'll get her to read this. It's so hard to say in person, and even now I've been struggling to find the right words to say. So... to anyone who reads this: For the sake of those who've lost their passion, don't take yours for granted. Share it, amplify it, but always protect it. Don't become the shell of a person like I have. I mean, God's not finished with me yet, but I'm very unstable. And that's why I love Him. Let's hope this all works out in the end. God bless you guys.
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