James Blond in Silverfinger
Script by: Lollypops
This is parodied off of Goldfinger. It is part of the James Bond Series.
JAMES BLOND shoots towards the audience just as an old lady walks by causing her to fall over
A dangerous (and possibly high) place outside
Mr. Evil-Guy-That-Is-Not-Quite-The-Villain: Give me the code or you die Looks towards the audience Felisha!
Felisha: No, Mr. Evil-Guy-That-Is-Not-Quite-The-Villain! I will not permit you to get it!
Blond: It is time for you to give up, Mr. Evil-Guy-That-Is-Not-Quite-The-Villain!
Felisha: His real name is George. But you can call him Mr. Evil-Guy-That-Is-Not-Quite-The-Villain.
Blond: Now I must get you out of here! But first, I must know your name!
Blond: Because I have to ask you before I forget so that I can make some pun about it in the climax scene.
Action Scene Begins
NQV punches Blond in stomach, which triggers Blond to fall over. NQV points gun at Blond's fallen body.
Blond: You are a very evil man, Mr. Evil-Guy-That-Is-Not-Quite-The-Villain!
Blond: Oooooh, can I get up again? I want a Blizzard from Dairy Queen!
NQV: This is Russia. In the winter.
Felisha: So, he wants you to go to Florida before eating a Blizzard.
Felisha: looking in NQV’s direction And he wants me to come with.
NQV: That’s it! Points gun at Felisha Say your prayers, girl!
Felisha: Innocently Oh no! Someone help me!
Action Scene Continues
NQV: Blond! I forgot about you! Here is a present for you.
NQV shoots at Blond. In this shot, Felisha disappears while Blond does a Matrix thing with his hands while NQV shoots at him with two guns.
Felisha: in a different place than she originally was Oh-- wait, I don't know his name!
Blond is still doing the Matrix thing. He quickly pulls out his gun and shoots NQV. He falls over.
Felisha: I love your British accent.
Blond: I never realized I had a British accent.
Felisha: Oh. Well, you do.
Blond: OK. What is your last name, Felisha?
Blond: Wow. That's cool.
Felisha: Thanks. By the way, what is your name?
Ninjas start attacking
Blond: One moment.
The ninjas close in on them. Blond pulls a rope out of his pocket, throws it, makes it hook onto a tree, and pulls him and Felisha up
Blond: Name's Blond. James Blond.
(Show beginning credits)
In Blond's headquarters
L: while eating yogurt (Sigh)
L: Some girl's house.
(Sit in silence)
Tommy: OK, so I have this super cool invention! Come here and see it!
L: (Sigh) Coming.
L: Come on. He's your apprentice.
In the Lab
H: What do you have?
Tommy: Two things. One, a really awesome car that allows you to drive while shooting, speeds as high as 300 MPH, has protective glass on the windshield, has guns on the bumper, and has drink holders and a little cup included.
L: What is the second thing?
Tommy: Oh, right. The second thing.
H: What is it?
Tommy: Yeah. Hold it one second. digs though a pile Here it is!
Tommy: Shave the creme! Shaving creme!
Miss Tuppence enters
L: What is it?
Tuppence: Well, there's good news and there bad news.
L: Let's hear the bad news.
Tuppence: The bad news is that a guy without a shirt on outside.
L: disgusted What's the good news?
Tuppence: It's 006!
L: Angry 006!?! TELL HIM TO PUT HIS SHIRT ON AND MEET ME IN THE MISSION ROOM AS SOON AS ME AND H CALM DOWN!
In Blond's headquarters
Tuppence: Mr. Blond... [Secret Agent Man] ...L told me to tell you...
Tuppence:...L told me to tell you...
Blond and two girls do the dance to Secret Agent Man
Blond: Yes, Miss Tuppence?
Tuppence: L told me to tell you to go into the mission room...
Blond: After she calms down. Right?
Tuppence: You are far too good at things that are definitely not in your job description.
Blond: Speaking of things that are not in my job description...
Tuppence: No, Mr. Blond. I am having dinner with my parents tonight.
Blond: Maybe some other time.
In The Mission Room
L: slightly angry Come in.
Blond: I'm sorry I'm late. I had some business to take care of.
L: Yeah, right. You had some girl to take care of.
Blond: Girls aren't business?
L: (Sigh) No, 006. But, anyway, there is a new mission. There is a bad man named Fru-Fru Silverfinger. He works for S.P.A.M.
Blond: What does S.P.A.M stand for anyway?
L: Stupid People that Are Mean.
Blond: Oh. Well, can Felisha come with me?
Felisha: Hello, L. So you are the one that is in the picture up front. You look, like, you could be 80.
L aims to punch Felisha, but catch she catches it.
L: Ooh, good.
Felisha: Wow. High temper.
L: No. I just wanted a reason to punch one of 006's girls.
Felisha: Yeah. I can understand why.
L: See you two after the mission is complete.
Felisha: When are we due back?
L: April 17.
Felisha: We won't be one minute late.
Silverfinger: Hello, Everyone of turns head towards camera S.P.A.M. I am sure that everyone here got the memo.
Mr. Nutjob: No I didn't!
Silverfinger: Then how did you get here?
Cutie: I got the memo and then I drove him here.
Silverfinger: Impossible! Nutjob never lets woman drive him anywhere!
Nutjob: She convinced me.
Silverfinger: Well- anyhow, there is an agent that is coming, so we need to be prepared for him.
Cutie: Who is it?
Silverfinger: He is 006, also known as James Blond.
Cutie: gasp James Blond?!? He will be the end of us all!
Silverfinger: That was what you said when A.U.N.T attacked, and remember what happened?
Cutie: Well, that was different. James Blond could never be that wimpy.
Silverfinger: Wimpy? They all, ALL of them fell over after one of them sneezed.
Cutie: Well, I know this time I will be right and he will be the end of us all. Now we need to hurry because he will track us down within hours I'm sure.
Silverfinger: Alright. Maybe you're right on this one.
Blond: Well, let's rest here. This seems to be just fine.
Felisha: Mr. Blond, don't you think we should find Mr. Silverfinger before you rest in paridise?
Blond: Couldn't we stay here for just a little bit though? See if there is any evil lurking here?
Felisha: sees something she finds appealing Yeah, OK. I'll look over here. runs off
Blond: OK. I will see if that chocolate muffin is poisoned.
Server #1: How may I help you?
Server #1: Coffee?
Blond: No, it is warm enough here.
Server #1: You are creepy, man.
Blond: What? I was just referring to the warm climent.
Server #1: Sure. I will get another sever for you.
Blond: I am not that dumb! You are though! Dumb person. I won't even tip. Yeah! How do you like that? Who da man now? I da man! You are a dumb dumbo! Dumby dumb dumbo! I am HUNGRY!
Server #2: He he. You funny.
Server #2: She CRAZY again? I mean, she get SUPER crazy. She think last customer stalker because he looked outside the seat to see if his waffles were ready. Sooooooo, you want food?
Blond: Yes, I would like a chocolate muffin. And some orange juice.
Server #2: Choco muffin, orange juice. Yup, yup, got it. Noting else?
Server #2: Okey, dokey. I bring back quickly as I can. exits
Blond: to himself That sever needs to go to a mental institution. I am forced to complain.
Server #2: Here you choco muffin and Oh, OJ. You want anything else?
Blond: I would like to speak to the owner.
Server #2: surprised De Owner?!? Why?!?
Blond: I do not approve of their staff.
Server #2: disheartened Ya mean ME?
Blond: No, the one before you.
Server #2: happily Oh, OK. in a sense of impending doom Not..... The Owner! The Doctor?
Blond: He's a doctor? Doctor what?
Server #2: extremely cheesy Dr. Yes!
Server #2: Yes.
Blond:What's wrong with Dr. Yes?
Server #2: Me don't know. Here, I show you to he desk.
Dr. Yes's Office
Server #2: Here. I get him. they do
Maybe: he is dressed in a Santa suit Ho, ho, ho! What would you like for Christmas?
Blond: You're Dr. Yes?
Maybe: Ho, ho, ho, you bet!
Blond: Santa! I want a toy train for Christmas!
Maybe: Here, sit down on this chair.
Blond: But Santa, why?
Maybe: If you don't do what I tell you I will give you coal!
Blond: sits OK, Santa, now I want... he is strapped to the seat
Maybe: in a normal evil voice Didn't anyone tell you, Santa doesn't exist!
Blond: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Dr. Yes: Impossible. No Mission is Impossible!
Blond: Then why is there a movie called Mission Impossible?
Dr. Yes: Do you expect me to know? They just had to have a cheesy title.
Blond: You're a lunatic.
Dr. Yes: Yes!!!!!
Blond: Wait! You're the real Dr. Yes!
Dr. Yes: Yes!!!!!
Blond: And you're wearing the oddest hat I've ever seen.
Dr. Yes: Yes!!!!!
Blond: And you are planning to kill me?
Dr. Yes: Yes!!!!!
Blond: And you want to take my girlfriend?
Dr. Yes: Yes!!!!! pause No!!!!!
Blond: And you're going to tell me every detail of you plan?
Dr. Yes: Yes!!!!!
Blond: Start talking.
Dr. Yes: Ooooh, you're tricky. I'm gonna have problems with you.
Girl at the desk #1: F.I.V.E Office, How may we help you? listens to other end I will make sure to tell him. listens Excuse me? listens I'm sorry, I am
very busy, sir. listens Oh, my! You are a total creep! listens and says ashamedly I-I'm v-very s-s-sorry sir. I, I promise not to ever insult you again. I am so sorry. So---
he hangs up
Girl at the desk #2: F.I.V.E Office, How may I help you? listens I'll make sure to tell him. listens Wha? listens Wow, are you sure? listens Yeah. I'll see you tonight.
005: Hey, Tiff, any messages?
Girl #1: Yeah. Mother called, said she loves her little-
005: Yes. Next?
Girl #1: Mary Lynne called saying tell the two-timing-
Girl #1: Kent called saying he had 6,000,000,000 bundles of Tipominium at his hands and that he could make quadrillions of T.Y.s easily.
Girl #1: Legolas called saying he wanted to talk to you about using a guy falling in love with an elf in your next film and possible copyright lawsuits. He also finds it offensive you would use it for a romantic comedy...
005: Tell him that his emotions towards this film are in vain.
Girl #1: Next?
005: Yeah. Next.
Girl #1: Mr. Blond called...
005: 006?!? The one that took my place after retirement?
Girl #1: Yes, sir.
005: Tell him to keep up the good work! He makes me feel safe retiring.
Girl #1: About that......
Girl #1: He is imprisoned by Dr. Yes!
Girl #2: Yes.
Girl #1: Go away.
Girl #2: Didn't you forget Mr. Gordwin?
Girl #1: Mr. Gordwin called saying that he has the perfect guns for you.
Girl #2: And he asked if I wanted to go on a date!
005: Mr. Gordwin's married.
Mrs. Gordwin enters
Mrs. Gordwin: Were you talking about my honey buns?
005: nervously Mrs. Gordwin! What a surprise! Just listening about phone messages. Nothing much about your husband. Next?
Girl #1: Mr. Blond...
005: Mr. Blond! I need to bail him out!
The Yes Room
Note: This part is done quietly
Dr. Yes: snoring
Blond: I need to get out of here.
Felisha: Yeah, me too.
Blond: I am so sorry.
Felisha: No, it wasn't your fault that he tied me up to a chair as well as you.
Blond: I wonder if 005 even got my message.
005 slams the doors open, is holding a large gun
005: James Blond! That lunatic trapped you?
Dr. Yes: My name is Dr. Yes!
005: I am here. What do you need me for?
Dr. Yes: Yes!!! I mean, NO!!!!!!! I will kill you all!
Blond: But then we couldn't escape.
005: I think that's the point.
Blond: Oh. Then we shall fight!
Dr. Yes Shoots a gun and hits Blond
Blond: Aaahhhhhhhhhhh! Run away!
[The Man From U.N.C.L.E. ]
Thus begins The Chase Scene
James Blond runs aimlessly eventually causing him to hit the wall and fall over. Dr. Yes runs up and punches Blond in face. Blond falls down again. He gets up and punches Dr. Yes. Dr. Yes falls over and Blond runs away. Felisha is hiding and is found by Fake Dr. Yes dressed in a Santa suit.
Felisha kicks him and he falls over. Felisha starts to run away, but Fake Dr. Yes tackles her.
Felisha rolls over, causing her to be on top of Fake Dr. Yes.
Felisha punches Fake Dr. Yes in face. She runs away.
Blond shoots through the wall, running out with Felisha by her side.
Felisha: Oh, Mr. Blond! You are so courageous!
Blond: You forget that our mission is not complete! We must now defeat Mr. Silverfinger! [Goldfinger]
In this point it shows James Blond and Felisha traveling across the country. First on a boat, Blond pays the man to row the boat across. The man does, where it shows Felisha smiling contently. Next, Blond + Felisha go onto a train. A man starts shooting and Blond throws a sleeping dart at him, while Felisha keeps the same expression as on the boat. Next, Blond + Felisha ride on an elephant. A man on a horse starts chasing them, and they get away. They get off the elephant.
Blond: Here we are.
Felisha: suddenly looking sober Yes. Thank you for informing me.
They walk up to a building
Felisha: What is that?
Blond: Why, that is the place where we shall find Silverfinger. [No. 5]
(At this point I will add an intermission)
Cutie: Hi, how may I help you?
Felisha: We would like to speak to Mr. Silverfinger.
Cutie: Oh. Well, you are obviously not the Russian government, so I'm afraid you will have to leave immediately.
Blond: in a rough russian accent and dressed in a lot of coats and wearing a fake beard I Russian Prime Minster. I here to see Silverfinger.
Cutie: Yes. Right this way.
Blond: Silverfinger not mind if I bring goat?
Cutie: I guess not.
Blond: Come goat.
Felisha: in a goat costume Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Cutie: Oh. That is such a cute goat! Can I pet him?
Blond: It a her. Goat, you want girl to pet you?
Felisha: nodding Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Blond: She say yes.
Cutie: How can she do that?
Blond: She smart goat.
Cutie: She is a very smart goat. Oh, here is Mr. Silverfinger's office. Come right in.
Felisha: as they are entering You owe me big.
Mr. Silverfinger: not seen Good morning, Virengo. How is Russia? enters room Hold it. Where is Verengo?
Blond: He be killed. I new Prime Minister.
Silverfinger: Do you have a name?
Blond: Boilim. Quircky Boilim. You is Silverfinger, correct?
Silverfinger: Indeed. I am. So, Prime Minister, I expected Verengo, but no matter. I can do off with you too.
Blond: Do off? What for?
Silverfinger: War. What else?
Felisha: in a goat sounding voice Nooooooooo.
Blond: in his normal voice My goat doesn't like that.
Silverfinger: A talking goat? An English Russian Prime Minister?
Blond: Name's Blond. James Blond.
Felisha: imitating Blond Felisha. Felisha Marigold.
Silverfinger: That's weird. You sound more Russian than the last Russian Prime Minister.
Felisha: That's because he's perfect. 
Blond:  stops Not now, Felisha.
Felisha: Right on, Mr. Blond.
Silverfinger: Now, a fight to the death! [No. 5]
Silverfinger: Good point. I should kill the real Russian Prime Minister.
Blond: No. I will not permit you!
Silverfinger: Then I challenge you to a fight to the death! [No. 5]
Blond: I accept! [James Bond Theme]
Blond takes out his gun and starts shooting randomly.
Felisha: Gosh! Are you out of your mind? Kids are going to see this movie! At least cut down to shooting Silverfinger.
Blond starts to shoot a ton at Silverfinger, who runs away. Blond chases him.
Blond Shoots thrice. He sees Silverfinger. He shoots again.
Silverfinger: What are we doing? We should not fight, we should make up. Shake?
Blond: Mr. Silverfinger, I am not that dumb. shoots
The following shot is done incredebly slowly. Silverfinger is shot in the arm, and slowly falls out as he touches the place where the bullet hit him. Blond looks down the place where Silverfinger fell.
Felisha: You did the right thing, James.
Blond: Did I, Felisha?
Blond: Who knew?
L: I should have suspected. They both work for S.P.A.M. It's only reasonable.
Blond: Still. Dr. Yes?
L: Quiet! You have to stop them!
L: Old mission. New villain.
Blond: Let's go. [Mission Impossible Theme]
3 Days later
Blond: Japan is beautiful.
Felisha: It sure is.
Blond: There is only one thing more beautiful.
Felisha: What is that? pause Oh, James.
* means that whichever song name written inside the box to start playing
** something in italics is blocking or notes about the part, not a line.
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