Alone

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
My bad night.

Submitted: February 15, 2016

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Submitted: February 15, 2016

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ALONE

As I sit here thinking about my life and my love
I come to realize that I am alone. 
I have my children and that is a comfort,
but they can't understand what I am feeling.
They love me and they help all they can,
but I am still alone with my pain and heartache.
I sit here in the corner in the dark begging for someone to hear my cries, but no one does.
I sit here alone crying and hurting and no one hears.
I am truly alone in my pain and I pray for someone to help me.
I try to find inner peace, but all I find and keep is a feeling of being completely alone.
I pray to God about whether I am meant to be with him and I finally get a moment of peace.
I think and write and realize that I put everyone first and they put me last.
My children love me, but they are growing up and have their own lives.
They are teenagers and don't realize that mother's aren't perfect
and sometimes mommy needs something for herself.
My children are rebelling and hurting and I have to be strong for them,
but even though I am trying I know I am failing.
It takes so much strength just to keep it together for the kids
that as soon as I am alone I fall to pieces again.
I hide my pain as much as I can, but why doesn't anyone see the pain in my eyes?
I look in the mirror and all I see is pain and suffering.
I try to sleep and when I finally do, all I see in my dreams is him.
I wake up to a wet pillow from crying in my sleep because I dream of all our time together.
I lay down and hold his pillow tight and cry myself to sleep
after three days of not sleeping. 
Less than two hours later I am awake crying again.
I go to sleep with tears on my cheeks and wake up with fresh ones.
Why can't anyone see how badly I need someone to care?
Why can't he see that he holds me hostage in bonds too strong to break?
Why can't he see that him and the kids are my world?
Why can't he understand that while he is moving on, 
he is breaking me into such small pieces that I can't even start to put them back together.
Why does my world have to get shattered as soon as I finally get everything put back together?
When is it my turn to be happy?
When is it my turn to be first for someone?
When do I get what I deserve?
Why should I put everyone else first when no one has ever really put me first?
I help anyone who asks because I can't stand to cause pain,
but everyone stomps on me like I am beneath them.
I help my family as much as I can and when I need them
I can't find the help I need, just the words to make it worse.
Even now, I am doing everything I can to make the situation easier for him,
but it's getting harder and harder for me and I feel like he doesn't realize
that everything I am doing for him is killing me, but I can't stop because
I love him too much to hurt him or put any stress on him or even let him see just how
much I am struggling from moment to moment.
I am afraid to tell him that everytime I see or talk to him hurts worse and worse,
because he might stop seeing me and talking to me and that would hurt even more.
I am afraid to let him know how much I need him because he might take it wrong 
and feel I am trying to push him or worse guilt him into coming back to me.
I sit in silence and hear my heart breaking for him and his pain and me and mine.
Why should two people hurt so much when the love is so strong?


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