Dreaming

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
I read something on facebook and it sparked me writing this.

Submitted: February 15, 2016

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Submitted: February 15, 2016

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So I just read something that is all about me. 
I do everything to make everyone else happy, but 
I am the one sitting alone in the corner in the 
dark crying, begging for someone to help me instead
of telling me to get the fuck over it....Very few 
people I know actually care...I appreciate the few 
people who aren't saying for me to get the fuck over 
it, but I need someone to talk to and lean on so bad 
right now...I put on an act at work that I am fine, 
but i spend all my time crying or trying not to and 
I don't have one person I can lean on. How do you get 
over losing the one man you love more than yourself? 
How do you survive and be happy when every thought is 
of him and how much you miss him and need him and of 
taking care of him. I try to hide my tears and needs 
from him so he can at least be happy, but right now 
all I can think about is when is it my turn for someone 
to put me first like i do him? When do I get what I need? 
I'm not perfect and I have to change a lot, but when do I 
get what I deserve? I put everyone ahead of myself and the 
one night I put myself first and relax and think I will be 
ok, I come home and its all back, the pain the tears the 
need to feel his arms around me and hearing him say he 
loves me and everything is going to be ok. Why can't I be 
allowed to be happy? It seems like everytime I start being 
truly happy, my world collapses around me and I break again. 
When do I get to be whole and happy? I know that I can't 
depend on someone else to make me happy and I have to be 
happy with myself, but I had finally reached the point 
where I was happy and confident with myself and now i feel 
like I have failed as a woman and a wife, I finally felt 
completely safe and happy I lost it. Why can't anyone see 
that I need someone to care and hold me and tell me it will 
be ok? Why can't my husband see that we are meant to be? We 
have gone through 11 years of ups and downs and tears and 
happiness and to have it end like this feels wrong. I have 
prayed and prayed about this and the only time I feel any 
peace is when I ask God if we are meant to be...When I ask 
God to send me a sign if I am supposed to be with Rob, I 
get an overwhelming feeling of peace....I am going back to 
church and getting myself right for myself....I want to 
have faith and just put it all in God's hands, but I know 
that I can't depend on God to do it all, I have to work 
for it...Also, I was never one to give up without a fight 
and I am going to fight to save my marriage...I can't give 
up hope that he still loves me and this is just something 
he needs to do to find his inner peace. I am going to work
on making my inner peace stay by getting back in church and
having faith that God has a plan. I wish I didn't have to 
hurt so much, but if this pain makes me a stronger person 
and maybe even makes my marriage stronger, then I'll deal 
with the pain. I know I can't do it all on my own, I know
I need help. God can do it all but you have to be willing to
do some of the work.
 


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