Night

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is just something I wrote when I was feeling down.

Submitted: March 10, 2016

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Submitted: March 10, 2016

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As I sit here watching you sleep, I think about our future together.
Where we are going and how we are getting there.
I know we are meant to be together and that it takes time to get our life on track.
Then I think about all the different things that I have to worry about and wonder.
Will I make it through this?
How can I when all I feel right now is the urge to just lay down and die?
I want to lean on you, but I don't want to burden you with all the problems.
I want to let you take care of me and I hate that I can't even tell you what is wrong.
I love you and I can't bring myself to tell you just how overwhelmed I am.
I have to deal with so much, here and down there.
I have so many issues to deal with here and down there that I just can't deal with more.
I have you and our life together, finding a place, worrying about money while you are the only income.
Then I have the situation with your family, your mom not trusting in us, your dad saying give it time and hang on.
Then I have the overwhelming need to meet bqbygirl and show her a mother's love.
Along with all of that, I have everything down there to deal with too.
The bills down there, the guilt my mother keeps loading on me about leaving the kids, the need to see the kids.
The car and everything that goes with that, keeping the kids able to do what they want as much as possible.
The guilt that my son has to give up so much of his ROTC stuff because they don't have the money.
Leaving the kids with mom who can't even manage to pay her own bills.
Knowing that my son is having to deal with all the bills and everything when he should be allowed to be a kid while he can.
Dealing with the fact that my nieces and nephews are getting screwed by their mothers and fathers and DCS.
Knowing that my niece is getting sicker everyday because they aren't taking care of her properly and i can't do anything about it.
Feeling like I have abandoned the kids, even though they are fully behind me being here with you.
Dealing with my ex and all his bullshit about wanting this and that and blaming me for his unhappiness.
The divorces and all of that when all I really want to do is get it over with and move on.
Feeling like I am cheating even though my marriage and yours were over before we got together.
Getting desperate to share, but being afraid because I don't want you feeling like I do.
You and the kids are the only things keeping me going right now, my sole reason for not giving up.
Without you all I would literally just lay down and not do anything to take care of myself.
When I say that I have something besides the kids to live for now, what I really mean is that you and the kids are the only reason I'm still trying.
Without you in my life to give me the happiness, love, and caring you give me, I would just let go and let whatever happens happen.
I am so afraid that you are going to look at me and see me the way I am and walk away.
I know in my heart and soul that you love me and you won't do that to me, but the fear is still there.
I worry that the kids are going to start hating me and turn away from me.
I worry that I am never going to be allowed around babygirl to show her how much I love her.
I worry that nothing I do will ever make a difference and that I am going to lose everything and everyone that I love.
Why do I feel like this? Why do I hurt like this? Why do I fear everything now?
I feel like I am losing control of my life and there's nothing I can do about it.
How do I deal with all of this? Why do I have the need to deal with it alone?
Why can't I lean on you like you asked me to do?
Then of course there's the broken ankle and how helpless it makes me.
Dealing with doctor's, unemployment, my leave of absense from work.
It seems like the list gets longer everyday and that I will never see the light much less reach it.
I can't help anyone, hell I can't even help myself.
I need your help so much and I'm afraid to ask for it.
If I tell you everything, what happens? Do you help me or do you say that's just too much?
I can't keep dealing alone, but I can't ask for your help.
What do I do? How do I ask you to share the burdens when I don't even want them anymore
?


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