Another me - em rehtonA

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic
a search for existence in a world that does not exist

Submitted: December 24, 2011

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Submitted: December 24, 2011

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-Elf's red leather diary -

I am an elf. I can feel my pointed ears - hidden by my thick, chestnut, wavy and uncut hair which is so long that it sweeps the floors I walk. My eyes: I fear I have no idea how they look - nor the shape of my face - or my nose or my lips or ears. But it is the eyes which intrigue me the most in the human species. I have no idea what colour they are but as my favourite colour is violet, in my mind they ARE violet. I feel my facial expression rather tense with curiosity sometimes, so I think it is a baffled expression I have most of the time. Not that it matters much because no one will ever see this expression (no, not even me!)

Not now - or ever. Not even when I look in a mirror; for I have entered the complex world - where magic does not exist as no one believes in it. Reflections did not exist in my world because there was no need for them. People stare at me but see me not; for I am invisible. I can scream - but no one will hear me. I can cry atrocities, pull someone's hair - but no one will know. I do not exist to others, and so do not exist at all(you may think). I live in the complex world where we magical creatures call Earth. Alas, welcome to the world of man: where doom falls and yet the sun shines so brightly;ever so mockingly.

I shall recount in my report a few details I found striking at my stay on Earth - but bear with me for I am an elf fed by the thoughts of a girl whose thoughts were/are not always clear and ordered. But I know nothing else because before that I had no thoughts - just my senses and most importantly: my photographic visual memories. So I present to you my stream of conscious memories with my own comments in a haphazard way - just like the spontaneity of thoughts of my human I fe(e)d on.

I have been assigned the post as a guardian to a girl for the last year and a half. The girl's physical appearance is of no grandeur. She is of average height, slightly heavy, has dark hair and dark eyes and has a bad habit of showing her emotions easily but incoherently. I know because I have talked to her and so I know her more than anyone else. Still she does not know of my existence(and it's not because I am so tiny!) I talk to her through her dreams, through the motions of everyday life - on the bus, on the way to school, during a lesson, at home, our endless arguments which happen in her head - whenever, wherever. She does not acknowledge this but to be kind, I daresay, that she is not very bright despite her trying so vainly to be so.

(Brief summary of Yearly Report: December)

I have keenly observed her in this last year and have noticed a significant improvement in various aspects. She is acknowledging her weaknesses which is a very brave step forward which will lead her very far. She is being more open to others and is conscious that other people have their own issues that they have experienced and so tries to keep that in mind - that some people have more in their mind than letting others down -- that not everyone wants to exploit her or others.

She is unconscious even of her own consciousness.

She has a name. Her name is Lorna.

(Brief summary of short report of my human)

Lorna is fascinated by the unconscious processes and the many fragments of self which are shattered here and there.These fragments have been manipulated by others and by their very own experiences(forgotten or unforgotten). These same fragments influence others - knowingly or unknowingly - and someway or another, with other fragments of others, shape other people and the world like atoms. I am part of the fragments because I talk to Lorna. She knows me unknowingly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wind: Enough of this!

- throws diary and opens a dark leather diary also belonging to elf -

As you creatures of the magical world ***** (which I won't mention for fear of being mentally hacked) know, we creatures are very powerful as we are unknown and are able to convert others to our own devices without their knowledge. We feed on knowledge, thoughts, dreams and again - thoughts (what the people call the fictitious entities of the unconscious and the conscious processes).

Earth is a beautiful place. Sometimes when Lorna is busy thinking nonsense I leave her to herself and look through the window and stare at the beautiful sky as the sun sets quietly to the other half. It reminds me so much of home! I remember once upon a day when the streetlamps glow was identical to the sun's glow in the horizon. The clouds were pink and were moving fast - changing shape so much so that I could only recognize one of our creatures - Sortak the Foni who was running after something I could not recognize and his expression seemed unsmiling. So unlike himself, I remember thinking.

That was when I realized that Lorna and I were the same, yet different. I could not be seen but my behavior is always the same - that of being a mediator of thoughts and helping her shift through them. Whereas the human could be seen but could not be understood - not even by herself! I could sense this uneasiness by many humans I encountered through Lorna. I found this fascinating in my stay on Earth. I think I now understand. It's because of the fragments - the tiny tiny fragments. I remember her feeding me on this thought through a book she read once which I believe was influenced by the great philosopher who once inhabited our world - Heraclitus. That a river cannot be stepped on twice because it is ever changing. But there is a base - a personality trait, although sometimes these traits fluctuate too and so are the thoughts of the owner.

So then I also realized how very similar the shifting of the shapes of clouds was to the thoughts of humans. The nonsense was not nonsense but meaningful in a way or another because it reflected something hidden - hidden even from themselves. That is why I wanted to remain with Lorna because you see, she was a psychology student who was also interested in this. But they learned so little!

Am I similar to Lorna and the people? Am I not now that I have spent so much time there! I am invisible and rendered speechless but so are they. Though physically they can be looked at, they cannot always be seen, and though they can be heard - they can not always be listened to. They feel invisible, misunderstood and lonely even when they are surrounded by people - not just my Lorna; but all of them. These are some of the complexities I have learned in my visit there. How I sometimes longed to go back to my simple world! But that was not to be.

I remember the first few months I arrived there where all I saw were calls for attention, hatred, greed... - most of these actions I realized later were done to be accepted by others. At first I felt angry and upset at so much injustice. As time went by I noticed that these were very much universal aspects shared by the human species and I should not be surprised by them because it seemed that Lorna did not even see these things! She was/is ever so insensitive and so are others! But how could I tell her so? Not even through her dreams was the message so strong enough - she kept switching to other thoughts. So I kept thinking why was I to be kept invisible if I can make others aware of this?

I would have made a better human than any of them I am sure. But by the time I realized that this is why they were mortals, and why some of our creatures end up turning into them, I fear I had gave up with this hopeless quest. It was then, when I became aware of this, that I realized how lucky I am that I have been given a visit to this world and not an active participant! But I wish things were different there. It's so chaotic that it makes me feel sad just to think about it. And Lorna did not do much, even when my control over her became much stronger.

I gave myself a name yesterday while Lorna was listening to some music: Dido.

-notes torn and burned, diaries with torn pages, finally a small diary with a short paragraph -

They all want to be visible - they want to be someone who will be remembered and appreciated and loved. They want to be a loving memory. So how can you proclaim such cruelty over them! I have not turned into them nor want to; but I do understand them more than you do. They act so because they are so - they simply can't help it because they know no better.

Wind: ***** world turned mortal. Earth collapsed into extinction. Bodies and souls of the people remain unknown to me, maybe someone out there knows, someone even bigger than I am.

- The elf's soul enters Lorna's body from conception - a mortal human being who does not remember her past life as an elf but who has experienced the same life as Lorna whom she had been adjourned to in the previous life as an elf. This knowledge is kept deep in her unconscious but is explicitly shown through the occasions when her unconscious reigns free - especially art. (as are other humans who's soul was once from the other world) the new ***** world is better and stronger as is the Earth world.

Send my blessings for my fragmented selves which is in each person as is I in them. -

-Lorna's online journal -

and so who are we? aren't we all human? no, we think we are but we are the ***** world turned mortal - we were once perfect and so we have become the human species, ***** world has become earth and we got the curse - consciousness. yet, i am lorna and I know I have an elf even though i know i will never see it - this is my first time I have acknowledged it. it, or should I say she. dido exists in my thoughts only; but that is where it only matters! the world is repeating itself in a different dimension but nonetheless; repeating itself.

you have been warned so now we have a choice. i write but i do not understand. i am so lorna: so lost yet i know that there must be reason in this madness, like the great shakespeare once said.

i acknowledge that the elf is very strong in me because i am letting dido reign in me and that is what will keep the world from collapsing but i do not recall the memories she had from the original earth nor the reason for her existence

music is playing:

Remember me. Remember me.

Oh Dido and Aeneas remember me!

- *new* Lorna's elf, "Dido", writing in red leather diary -

For WHAT makes sense after all? We have no reason to believe there is a God up there; so I can rephrase and say we(lorna and I, the elf) have no reason to believe there is a god or gods up or down or right or left or anywhere out there. That people exist, that other creatures from my planet exist, that my senses are reliable, that my environment exists, that I or her exist! I only know that I feel and I think and even though that may not be so, that it what matters to me, to us.

I cease to care any longer.

I do not know how to conclude as I do not know how to begin or

how it began or how it will all end

I feel lost like my Lorna

How can I help her if I cannot help myself: if I do not understand!

I do not know how to conclude as I do not know how to begin

[Lorna who has always been in a dark tiny cupboard suddenly glimpses a hand which she grabs, and climbs out of the cupboard]


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