lottery chat show

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
a short script which is funny with a serious side too :)

Submitted: February 15, 2010

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Submitted: February 15, 2010

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At a chat show to talk about the lottery winners and how it’s affected their lives
 
Chat show host: Good morning Britain and welcome this morning to our special show on lottery winners and how the money has affected them and changed their lives. First up we have a married couple Stuart and Princess. Welcome to you both, one thing I would like to know is what fancy, unusual  things have you both bought with your winnings?
 
Stuart: Well we …..
(getting interrupted)
 
Princess: I have bought a few things like this ring (shows it to the audience) my boobs, my teeth and a whole new wardrobe not that unusual really.
 
Stuart: He asked what WE had bought sweetheart not just you.
 
Princess: Well I thought that I would talk for both of us seeing as how u usually mumble anyway!!
 
Stuart: You forgot to mention how you bought yourself a new name as well Sadie. I mean who in their right mind would actually want to be called Princess?? I think the next thing you buy should be a straight jacket love
 
Princess: Yeah and maybe you should buy yourself a wullie extension love!!
 
(she holds up her little pinkie finger at the audience and wiggles it about as they laugh but this just angered Stuart all the more)
 
Chat show host: Now now people we are getting a little off track here
 
(Ignoring the host and raising his voice slightly)
 
Stuart: As if  I would really want to enhance anything the way you have. It’s like two big boulders put there for decoration cause they sure aren’t any use to me anymore
 
Princess: If that’s how you feel well you won’t be seeing them anymore! I should just kick you out of the house and take you to the cleaners for every penny
 
Stuart: What makes you think you can just kick me out? The house is in our name plus I bought the lottery ticket so every penny is mine not yours!!
 
Princess: That’s where you are wrong I’m afraid the house is in my name and it was my numbers that you used on the ticket plus I gave you the pound to pay for it
 
Stuart: I’ll give you the pound back but that’s all you’re getting off me. Just cause you couldn’t be bothered to get off your arse and go buy a ticket I reckon that means you get diddly squat my dear
 
Princess: We’ll see about that!!!
 
Princess runs off the stage clutching her handbag which she retrieves from under her seat. It takes Stuart a second or two to realise that she’s got the bank card in her purse. He then starts running off stage shouting after her. The chat show host doesn’t know where to look
 
Chat show host: ok. Now that big boobs and little pinkie finger have left perhaps now we can chat to some of the other winners
 
The host moves along to the next person sitting next to two empty chairs. It’s a young lad called Zeke wearing a tracksuit and baseball hat
 
Chat show host: So Zeke welcome. Why don’t you tell us how the lottery winnings has changed your life
 
Zeke: Well it’s no changed much like coz I pure spent the wad oan this minted gold car you should see it man it’s class
 
(he clicks his fingers looking very chuffed with himself )
 
Chat show host: Ok so you’re telling us that you have spent all of your money on just one thing and that’s a gold car?
 
Zeke: Yeah, how?
 
Chat show host: Did you not think to maybe buy a house or put some in the bank to get interest?
 
Zeke: Naw why would ah dae that? Ah can stay in ma maw and da’s hoose and get fed and washing done an that so I’m sorted. As for the bank well they’re all robbing bastards charging ye for using other folks banks machines. Naw ah wouldnae dae that like.
 
Chat show host: So is this car better to drive than any other normal car?
 
Zeke: Ah dunno man. I havnae passed ma test yet so ah jist get ma da to ferry me aboot where ah need to go 
 
Chat show host: So you can’t drive but you bought a car with all your winnings?
 
Zeke: Yeah I did. Ye should see aw the chicks that look at me now wi ma gold car but
(winks at the audience)
 
(thinking that this young lad might have a screw loose the host moves along the line of people on the stage)
 
Chat show host: Well thank you for your input Zeke. Moving along now to this young lady who goes by the name of Gemma. Welcome Gemma, has the lottery affected you at all?
 
Gemma: It’s affected me a lot but not in the way that you think.
 
Chat show host: Would you like to elaborate on that Gemma?
 
Gemma: Well it wasn’t really me who won the lottery. It was my best friend Julie
 
Chat show host: Was?
 
Gemma: My friend died.
 
(Gemma started crying and the chat show host went and got her a box of tissues)
 
Chat show host: Do you feel able to tell us what happened Gemma?
 
Gemma: Yes I’m ok . Julie won a lot of money on the lottery and she thought it was the best thing ever. We went on a shopping spree soon after she cashed the cheque. She loved just going into shops and knowing she could buy anything that she wanted. She bought a house for her and her folks to live in. She was only 19 when she won all that money and she wanted her folks close by her. She started getting letters asking for money and some were just really nasty hate mail because she had won when they had needed it more. She became reclused to the outside world not wanting to step outside her door for fear of being badgered by the public.
 
Chat show host: That must have been horrible for you to see. Did your relationship with her change after she won?
 
Gemma: Not really. I still wanted to be her friend as we had been friends since nursery school but she kept shutting me out. She stopped answering her phone probably due to people phoning her 24/7. I think she finally had enough and felt if she couldn’t live her life anymore well maybe she just shouldn’t live.
 
Chat show host: Well it just goes to show you that winning the lottery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Thank you so much Gemma for coming in today and letting us all know that bad things can come from winning the lottery too.
 
(the host leaves Gemma to console herself as he moves along)
 
Chat show host: Well so far we have seen a couple where the “lady” had spent quite a lot of the winnings on beautifying herself, although after today they might no longer be a couple. A young lad who spent his winnings on just one thing. A young girl whose best friend killed herself as she couldn’t deal with the outside world and how they treated her anymore. Quite a varied bunch I think you will agree. Now it’s time to take some questions from the audience which you may have for anyone that’s still on the stage.
 
(a young girl puts her hand up)
 
Chat show host: Yes, the girl there with her hand up what’s your question and who’s it to?
 
Girl: Well ma question is to Zeke. I was wondering if he has a bird?
 
(wolf whistles and laughter from the audience)
 
Chat show host: Well Zeke what’s your answer to that one!
 
Zeke: Well no right noo I don’t but she’s mare than welcome to come sit oan ma knee if she likes
 
(the girl runs down and planks herself on his knee before he changes his mind)
 
Chat show host: Ok is everyone comfy now?
 
Chat show host: Right we have time for just one more question.
 
(Princess and Stuart walk back onto stage at this point)
 
(Straight away a woman puts her hand up )
 
Chat show host: Yes that lady there what’s your question and who is it for
 
Lady: My question is for Princess. I would like to know why you chose to spend your winnings making yourself look more plastic instead of doing some good with it?
 
Chat show host: Good question! Ok Princess what’s your answer to that one?
 
Princess: Well I think I did spend the money doing some good. Now people can look at me and idolise over me which helps plastic surgeons a lot because their business has went up thanks to me
 
Chat show host: I don’t think that’s quite what she meant Princess. Did you not think about giving some money to the poor or maybe to a charity?
 
Princess: You know what they say charity begins at home. As for giving it to the poor well I was poor before winning so I gave it all to myself.
 
Chat show host: I haven’t got the stamina to argue with you anymore. Did you and Stuart sort out all of your differences earlier?
 
Princess: Yes we did. I agreed to buy him some new golf clubs and he agreed to let me.
 
Chat show host: Does Stuart ever talk for you two?
 
Princess: He can talk if he likes but he knows it makes more sense for me to talk for him.
 
( Stuart rolls his eyes then just nods his head in agreement)
 
Chat show host: Well there you have it folks. That’s all the time we have for today I’m afraid but please join us next time when we find out who makes the better lover men or women. Always remember though to take care of yourselves and each other.
 
 
(lights go down on everyone on the stage)
 
 
 
 
 
 


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