A gift.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
a lil lesson

Submitted: February 28, 2011

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Submitted: February 28, 2011

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A Gift

When I was young I grew up outside. You could never find me at home; outside was my own special place where home issues could never touch me, a place where I was free!

Growing up with five siblings used to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. To always have someone to talk to and knowing no matter what I was never going to be alone in my life. It was a gift from god and still is, but who could ever not wish that they could be gone every once in a while and leave me alone at times.

As the oldest I was to set an example right? Well… I wasn’t the right person for that. I stayed out for as long as I could and when I got home I couldn’t wait for mama to come home from work to give us all the attention we could get out of her.

My mama isn’t a very strong woman, no matter which way you look at it. But I couldn’t help seeing her as the best, she was my mother, the only one and I loved her.

As I got older things changed and to be honest I wish they where still the same and I was a nine year old little girl again, living in the same white house on the corner running off to the park whenever I could.

When I met Nick I thought I was in love!! Okay not really but I really, really liked him… a lot. He was my very first boyfriend and he gave me my very first kiss. Now, even at the age of ten I knew all about ‘how babies where made’ and at the time I never thought I would really ever know how it really happened. I mean at ten boys still where gross no matter how cute they where to me.

My life at home was boring and always unexpected when mama was home. I have watched my mama cry more times then I could ever count and even since I can remember that’s how it always went. She cried… when he took her money, when he yelled, when he hit her, she cried. And no matter how hard I tried I never could forget it. We would run to the room, she would send us away to hide, to stay safe away from his rage…

I guess she loved him. No, I know she loved him and that’s all there could ever be to it. Only a woman that loved someone so much could ever stay with someone like him. Now he wasn’t always angry, could someone ever always be angry? But when he was pleased he was a good dad I guess. He was smart I know that much he coulda been something big in his life but for one reason are another he didn’t and he was staying with us living off my mama’s money.

It was a few years after that that he was gone, for now anyway because I am sure like always he will be back and mama will open her arms once again. She will be warned, but I wont be there. No, I will have my own life to live and my own family to care for.

My childhood was happy for such a short time its hard to remember what it was like to curl up in mama’s lap and fall asleep listening to her heart beat. She was never home, always at work, day in and day out. Years went by before I would ever have my mama back home to me. To be the mother I craved for.

Mama was never respected. She was never treated right. Was that going to happen to me when I got older? Would a man try to take control of everything I had? No. I couldn’t let that happen to me; I wouldn’t be like my mama. I was stronger than her in so many ways.

I grew up knowing more then I wish I knew. Being clueless sounds nice, to not know what’s really going on outside your little zone of comfort. That’s where I wanted to be all the time but I rarely saw that place, barely got a break form reality. Reality can be so hard some times and to be rid of it made life seem easier, in a way. But I didn’t have that choice, never could and I knew I never would. So I took all the pills I had of mine, but that wasn’t enough I knew.

It was unbelievable; I found her sleeping pills so easily! How could she have them so easily found with all the little kids around? She didn’t expect this… that’s why. We all knew they where not ours and they where never to been taken. But she didn’t know, no. I don’t think she ever knew how I really felt. I was only thirteen, so young and I couldn’t stand the thought of living another day! What was wrong with me? Was I crazy?

I took a few… just two. I looked at the third one. Should I take it? Is two enough? I put it back in the bottle. I thought I had done it, I really did… but when I opened my eyes I was still looking at my room ceiling and mama was sitting there just staring.

Did she know? Yes, I was sure she knew. What time was it? School. I was supposed to be in school; it couldn’t be six it was too sunny… to bright.

I was alive? No, that was not what I wanted no I wanted to go back to sleep, yes sleep would help. But that’s not what was happening. Mama was yelling, yes just screaming mad at me. She sounded so far off, so distant. So I just stared and watched as she yelled and screamed at me. I didn’t care, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. But I knew well I was going to wake again, and I was going to have to face my life… my reality and its consequences.

It has been a short two years since then and I have fallen in love and had a beautiful daughter who is now six months old. Now of course my love didn’t last but I could never regret loving him. And now I have a daughter who has already taught me so much in the short six months she has been here. Life is a gift that I guess I have to except. I have been given a gift that I will never forget…

My own life back and a new one all together.


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