Misty Sundays

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
a single mother struggling with deppression

Submitted: January 13, 2011

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Submitted: January 13, 2011

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Misty Sundays

It was a cold, dark, grey morning. The streetlights were on and the city was starting to stir awake.

Cold splatters of rain hit my face as I stood on the bridge over the river, I wondered to myself "would I go instantly or would I feel pain?" Peering out over the edge, staring into the dark river flowing underneath me like a river of tar.

February 2000. 1 year ago

"Oh!" I gasped as felt a sharp jolt in my swollen tummy "don’t worry lady" I soothed, stroking my belly "you will be out soon, and I can’t wait to see you either".

I'm Maddy, 24 years old and a single mum to be, moving in to my new home. "A fresh start" I breathed to myself.

My last boyfriend had kicked me out when he had found out I was pregnant, claiming that I had tricked him, and wanted nothing to do with 'it'. I had stayed with friends until I could get my own place, saving every penny I could for somewhere to call home. And now I was moving in to my two bedroom house, in a nice area with good schools within walking distance, and a nearby park.

"Are you ok?" Asked my friend Lisa,
"Fine" I answered "just being beaten up from the inside by a certain little one" I chuckled.
Lisa had been my friend since school; she was tall slender with big brown eyes and a caring nature.

A week later the house was practically finished. The landlord had painted for me before I had moved in which was a big help, and one less thing for me to worry about. The curtains were up, a beautiful lavender colour that framed my windows, which looked on to a quiet street and my front yard. The yard full of flowers in pots that lined the small fence. The back window also framed by lavender curtains looked out on to a long grassed garden with trees sitting at the end of the luscious green carpet of grass. I couldn’t wait to watch my daughter to grow up here, and to be happy, a beautiful happy family, just the two of us.

May

Waddling around the house was becoming quite a chore; I was as big as the house itself! All of a sudden I felt a whoosh of water come from between my legs.
"Oh god" I exclaimed, but I was unsure whether I was more shocked that my waters had broken or annoyed that I was going to have to clean it up. "How on earth do I get embryotic fluid out of the carpet?" Deciding I would probably have a while until I had to leave, I went upstairs to change and clean up the mess.

This was getting silly, my waters had broken over four hours ago and I still had not had any contractions, phoning the maternity ward I prayed that all this waiting would not mean I had a long and painful labour. The hospital told me to go up so that they could keep an eye on things. Next I phoned a taxi, then Lisa to let her know (as she was my birth partner) that I was off up to the maternity ward, but she did not answer so I left a message, this was becoming a bit of a habit for her not answering my calls. Getting my suitcase I waited for the taxi to arrive.

"Push one last time Maddie " the midwife encouraged, I was almost howling like a wolf at this point, holding on to the other midwife's hand with an iron grip I pushed, I pushed so god dam hard I thought I was going to explode.
"Congratulations" the midwife beamed at me "you have a healthy baby girl" Squealing I held out my hands to hold the small wrinkly squirming bundle.
"Hello Daisy" I cooed at her. She was so beautiful, some wispy brown hair covered her head, she had beautiful, dazzling, blue topaz eyes, and a small, button nose. I was overwhelmed by love. All this love for such a small person had seemed impossible, until now.

At first Daisy was so content, I was breast feeding her and she was feeding well. For the first few weeks it carried on like this, we had a routine that was flawless. Then all of a sudden it changed. She stopped wanting to be breast fed and I had to get some bottles for her, she was grizzly a lot more and it was too early for teeth to be coming through, and I was finding myself more and more frazzled. I couldn’t cope. I was a bad mum. I had let Daisy down.

July

I was out in town shopping when I had my first public episode. Pushing Daisy around the shops I was feeling as if I was in a haze, I was having a fuzzy day and these were becoming more and more of a regular occurrence. Then I felt something, someone’s gaze was on me, my chest felt tight and I began to feel light-headed. I turned around so sure people were looking at me, staring, people were talking about me, and they must have been, saying I was a bad mum and thinking look at the state of her. I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“I am not a bad mum!” I shouted “I’m a good mum and it’s none of your business!” I felt as if there was a crowd gathering around me. I couldn’t take it. I ran. I ran home tears streaking down my face, tears of shame stinging my cheeks.

October

I didn't leave the house anymore. I didn’t even open the curtains. Nobody came to see me and I didn’t go to see them. I hated myself; I hated myself as I had brought the dark clouds in around me. It was my fault, and I was a bad parent.

January 2001

Daisy was crawling around the house, but I didn’t care. I lay on the sofa feeling the gloom that I had come to call my own, wisping around me, pushing down on me so I couldn’t get up. I hated myself with a seething passion.

We hadn’t been out the house in weeks, not since a parent had come up to me in the park, asking if I was ok. But I could see what she was trying to say, I could see it in her eyes, Bad parent, bad parent, bad parent, her eyes chanted,

“Shut up! Shut up!” I had shouted at her, grabbing Daisy and running out the park.

The only person I ever came in to contact with now was the man who delivered my shopping, and even his eyes emulated hate.

February

I had been up all night, I could not sleep; the fog wouldn’t let me. It was pressing down on me all night telling me how awful I was; weaving all around me it hissed insults and hit me with its banshee like screams.

That was it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was such a bad person that I didn’t deserve a happy life; I knew that now and had to do something. I got Daisy and went out the door, through the dark streets not knowing where to go.
I found myself standing on a bridge.


It was a cold, dark, grey morning, The streetlights were on and the city was starting to stir awake.

Cold splatters of rain hit my face as I stood on the bridge over the river, I wondered to myself 'would I go instantly or would I feel pain?’ Peering out over the edge, staring in to the dark river flowing underneath me like a river of tar.

Daisy was asleep in my arms, I felt a rush of peace as I stepped over the edge of the bridge, the cold air greeted me with open arms. For the first time in a long time I felt happy as I hit the water.


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