The reason for my madness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
"He is supposed to be curing me of my madness. But all he is doing is making it worse".
A boy becomes obsessed with the one who is supposed to be helping him overcome depression. M/M Slash.

Submitted: August 17, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 17, 2012



"He is supposed to be curing me of my madness. But all he is doing is making it worse".

A clinical nurse's room is so fitting for a counselling session. That's the first thing i thought of when i entered the place i'd be spending one hour a week in, for the next year of my life.
It was cold with a high paper-towel covered hospital bed dominating most of the room. The lighting was bright, almost blinding when it first hit me, and it reflected unnaturally off of every sharp metallic object gracing the plastic blue tray that sat on a counter against the far wall. Two chairs sat in front of it, facing each other and i instantly headed for the one furthest from me, facing the door.
The receptionist who had greeted me earlier had followed me to the room and as i sat down, smiled at me and told me my counselor would arrive shortly. His name was Alex, she had told me, and was very understanding. I had no idea what this 'very understanding' attribute was to her, but i didn't want someone who was understanding. I didn't really care what they were like; as long as i could just blabber on to them about how i felt, that's all that really mattered. I didn't want them to question, to tell me about their own personal experiences, about the many other bloody kids who come to them and say the same things. I didn't want them to object or criticise- i didn't want them to say anything until i had finished. Although if they do begin to do so and begin to frustrate i wouldn't mind too much because at least that meant i get to raise my voice and lose my temper, giving me reason to shout at them and perhaps storm out.

But i waited patiently, pushing my rising storm of thought to the side and look to the door. I wasn't nervous. At least in my mind i wasn't nervous, but if my shaking hands, sweaty forehead and rigid postion was anything to go by, i must have looked it. For when 'Alex' walked through the door he looked at me somewhat startled. Nervous himself, maybe? I didn't know. But i had heard from someone else working here that he was young and hadn't been a counselor for long.

The moment i looked at him, though, fully acknowledging him, my heart dropped. He was gorgeous. And if i felt i hadn't been nervous before, i certainly was now. I caught my breath, after forgetting to breathe a moment and ended up light-headed. He smiled at me, with a smile i instantly loved; a warm, friendly expression on his face, yet somehow somewhat sensual, unintentionally and i wondered if he showed that face to all his clients.

He greeted me and i him. And he sat down and we talked. He asked me questions, but i didn't mind answering, sometimes asking him questions also about his own experiences. Although we only talked about my problems, i soon began to forget why i was there in the first place. While i talked, engaging eagarly, my mind wandered, to his gentle pale face, to his chopped chesnut hair, to his wondrous bright eyes. I wanted to stare and stare at him and never stop. I wanted to just sit here in silence and look at him to my hearts content because he was beautiful. He was the exact kind of thing that my maddness hated. I'd yet to tell him of the true maddness that lurked behind my simple face and so far all that we'd discussed was my family and social situations and how i was doing at college.

But in time i knew i would have to tell him. About the dark thoughts, the self-harming, the frustration, the hatred, the obsessions. And as i replayed that word 'obsessions' in my mind, i grew a little cold.
What are obsessions anyway? An idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind, i remembered the dictionary definition. I don't want him to get me wrong though- i didn't have OCD or anything of the sort. My own 'obsessions' were a little different. I never acted on them, like stalking people or anything. I simply think about them. Constantly. And write-yes, I spent most of my time writing about them too. I'd write endless poems, stories, speeches; filling whole notepads up simply with descpritions of and admiration of the beauty of clouds, for example.

I'd never properly been obsessed with a person, however. There are people i like to watch and think about, but i'd never write about them or let them consume my thoughts. But i knew now that was all going to change. I could feel it ebbing closer. This counselor i had, Alex. I sighed at thinking his name. He was going to turn me upside down. "Alex...Did you know that you are going to become my most desired obsession?" I spoke mentally, thinking how he would respond if i said it in reality. I imagined myself saying it in a seductive voice, letting him notice my rising lusting blush on my cheeks, my eyes beginning to haze over in pure desire. I imagined my voice breaking to a moan as he, responding the way i wanted him to, came closer to me and let me feel his warm breath on my cheek.

Shit, i thought to myself. I'd gotten carried away. 'Save it for later'. And i reluctantly snapped back to reality, seeing the real thing sitting before me, patiently waiting for me to reply to a question that had passed straight over my head. "Sorry?" I said, noticing a slight shake in my voice and it hit me suddenly that i may have physically responded to my fantasy.

Alex smiled and repeated the question. "Is the same time next week okay for our next appointment?" I agreed that it was and our session came to a close. As i left that little nurses office, turning to catch one last glimpse of Alex before the door shut, i let a mischeivious smile creep upon my lips and i had to bite my tongue to prevent myself laughing. I was utterly delirious, and i knew it. I knew my madness like a mother knows her own child, and i accepted it. It hindered me in every way possible, yet i loved it. And the times that made me love it the most were times like these- the euphoric feeling of excitement at just discovering a new subject of obsession. One like no other. One that was living and breathing and sexy as hell. One that i could see every single week for one whole hour. And an hour was more than enough time for me to replenish my thoughts of him, reminding myself of all his feautes, his gestures, his voice, and then rushing home that day to scribble it all down and begin writing my next fantasy of him.

By the time the next week had come, i'd nearly completed a whole notepad of intense, explicit detail of our sweet foreplay. I hadn't even gotten onto the sex yet- but i wanted to wait a while before that. I wanted to see Alex a few more times in order for me to fully familiarise myself with all his traits, gestures and speech patterns so that nothing would be amiss. Especially when i described how he would climax; i wanted to get as true to life as i could from what little i had to work with.

"Hello, Jason" He greeted me, smiling. I smiled too and sat down opposite him in the the same room we were in last week. "How was your week?" He asked. I told him the truth and almost kicked myself for getting a little flustered. "It was great." I told him. I knew he'd never get the subtle little hint i left in my voice as i said it. "You've helped me already and it's still only the beginning."
He seemed pleased when i said this and i pondered whether i deserved to feel a pang of regret in knowing he'd helped me in the entirely wrong way. He's supposed to be helping me recover from my depression; curing me from my madness. But in actual fact he was making it terribly worse.

I told him this week a little more about myself. I told him about 'what goes on in my mind' as i put it. He seemed genuinely interested as i explained my thoughts, the frustration i had with feeling trapped- blah blah. But I've already gotten over that. It agonised me once, when i didn't understand it but now i had simply accepted it, locking it tightly away in some chamber inside of me; keeping it ever present yet somewhat subdued. All that i really cared about currently was my 'obsessions' part of me. Namely, Alex.

Each week quickly passed and as they did i grew more and more excited about seeing Alex. He was my new found drug, my addiction. I wanted to see him, to hear him, to smell him. Touching was taboo, and even my madness understood that. But i could touch him in my dreams at least. And i would use what i discovered about him each week to feed the imaginations. Maybe one week, he would be wearing a t-shirt due to the weather being warmer, and thus showing off more skin. His skin was pale, unblemished and glistened with sweat sometimes when the room was stuffy and hot. When i noticed that- sweat on his skin, i felt an overwhelming urge to lean over and lick it from him, tasting that saltiness and then the warmth beneath it, gliding my tongue over all his creases, his lean fingers, slightly calloused hands, the mole that adorned his skin just above his wrist, rolling my tongue over the small yet defined muscles on his upper arm.
Another time i would notice he'd had a haircut, perhaps a few days before, hence it currently returning the the usual messy curls i loved so much, yet shorter. And i imagined running my fingers through them, letting each strand slip one by one out of my grasp, only to be retrieved again and pressed against my lips and nose to draw in the fresh smell of fruity shampoo.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" I asked out of the blue one week, after i'd noticed a thin braided leather bracelet hanging gracefully from his thin wrist, perhaps given to him as a present. He'd never worn jewellery prior to this and i'd gathered he was not one for fashion either as he made little effort in style.
I'd caught him off-gaurd with my question and he seemed embarrassed. I regretted asking it instantly, although seeing Alex's face cortort in an uncomfortable expression was quite impressive. Despite my regret, however, i still wanted an answer. Of course, i didn't want him to have a girlfriend. I couldn't bear the thought of his gorgeous body being seen and touched by anyone other than me. And by that i mean no one- for if i can only have him in my dreams, then no one is allowed to have him.

I felt a wave of relief when he, after a few minutes of shifting awkwardly in his chair and mumbling, denied having one. He told me after that i should refrain from asking personal questions but i simply retorted childishly with "You get to know everything about me." I wanted to play the brat, suddenly, to see him flustered and nervous. Maybe even a little annoyed. But Alex remained calm, collected and and a little smile crept upon him lips before saying, "That's my job." I narrowed my eyes at this and and a cold shiver drenched me. I'd gotten carried away. Too eager. I'd forgotten my position, which was the client. His 'patient'. His job was to work with me to overcome depression and that was the end of it. I wanted to chuckle, in despair, as this had always been my fault. I've always confused the dreams with reality and this is just another example. In my mind, at this moment Alex would lean across and pull me into his arms and whisper sorry. Then kiss me, letting me feel his warm wet tongue stroke the insides of my mouth. But like i said, that was in my mind. Here and now- this was the sore truth. The truth where i would never touch Alex because we have no relationship further than doctor and patient.

"For fuck's sake." I growled, crossing my arms. "You've totally killed it." I pouted, wanting him to know i was upset. Despite my realisation of our positions, i resumed in maintaining my bratty persona. "Killed what?" Alex asked, looking concerned. I sighed, resisting the urge to scream. He was so frustrating. But i guess that is what i loved about him. A few minutes passed before either of us spoke and i could feel the atmosphere growing tense. Alex was restless, searching for something to say but i personally didn't mind. I prefered the silence as it meant i could watch him undisturbed. The way he bit his lip and the way his eyebrows knotted together in a bunch above his nose, just the way i put him on edge like this. I loved it. I loved having this power over him that he didn't even know about. "What opinion have you formed of me so far, Alex?" I let his name roll off of my tongue slowly in a lower tone.
"Well." He started. I noticed him relax a little. "You're a smart boy. I think you'll go far in the future, with your studies and career. That is, once you overcome this minor low stage." I laughed out loud at this, shaking my head but focusing my eyes intently on his. The way his stared back reluctantly sent ripples of excitement down my spine.
"Wait till you get to know me a little better." I whispered, winking at him. I then stood and left the room. I hadn't intended to tease him and mess him around like this but i couldn't resist it. I wanted to break him down so i could really see inside of him. To know every single little part of him like it was my own. To fully expose him and let my madness run wild with what i find there.

During the next week i recieved a text message from Alex informing me that he'd booked another session at the same time and day. "I hope to see you there", it ended with. I imagined it possessing an ulterior meaning-something kinky, sexy, like we were arranging a forbidden meeting at a hotel or nightclub. And i took that thought back to my notebook, filling page after page with our secret meeting that required many lies to his co-workers and my parents. That required me to be fully rested the day before in preparation for the long night's workout ahead. Plus me stopping off at a convenience store just before to buy strawberries and cream on a whim, feeling we would have much use for them later on.
"I'll look forward to it". I replied, unbeknown to Alex, but still keeping in character.

Our next session came around and things went as they usually did. "How's college?" Alex asked, but i remembered suddenly that i hadn't attended college in over two weeks, being totally preoccupied with writing about our love life. "I haven't been going." I confessed, smirking. Alex frowned and told me i should make more of an effort. He said depression only got worse when you lazed around doing nothing. But i had to disagree. Not only was i past the depression now, but i could never be happier. Lazing around doing nothing was what i loved. Because while lazing around i could focus on Alex, and my parents were nonchalent to my rebellion. They didn't care what i did as they were barely around me much anyway.
"You've got it all wrong, Alex. In fact it's quite the opposite. For me nothing could be better than lazing around the house doing nothing. Writing all day, masturbating all night." I chuckled. Alex blushed when i said that and a wave of desire cascaded down me at knowing that he had absolutely no clue that he was the one i was masturbating over.
"You really should go to college, Jason. At least try and finish your A levels." Alex said, sympathetically.
"Take me out for a drink and i'll think about it." I curled my lips mischieviously at the corners, yet remained serious. I knew i was pushing my luck but if it ever backfired...i'd blame it on the maddness. Alex looked shocked, his form frozen and i wondered if he'd heard me at all. "Well..." I pushed, making him jolt to life again. "Jason..."He began, lost for words. I admit i felt a little stupid suddenly. I clenched my fist in frustration. I should have kept him to my God damn fantasy.
"On second thoughts..."I tried to push back the lump in my throat, chuckling."You're a bit old for me. Forget i said anything."
I looked up to Alex, noticing an embarrassed blush tinge his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I...I think maybe it would be beneficial for you to be assigned to another counsellor. Personal feelings should not interfere with..." He drifted off, letting his full lips linger open slightly, a glisten of saliva glazing them. So fucking kissable...i whispered to myself, wanting so badly to taste that saliva, to feel the pressure of those lips. And i suddenly perked up with a new found confidence- perhaps my maddness suddenly taking control.
"If i was assigned to another councellor, giving us no further professional relationship". I leaned forward in my chair, scooting to it's edge. "Would that mean then i'd be able to fuck you?" Alex jumped at this, almost out of his seat and i laughed.
"Do not speak inappropriately..."He mumbled. "You're a child, Jason. I'll arrange for another councellor to take over in the next few days. I apologise for leaving like this but..." He stood then and walked out of the room. I'd truely made him a wreck. I was slowly ripping him apart...although i wasn't quite there yet, soon enough he would be torn right open.


Staying true to his word, the next week i was assigned to another counselor, named Mary. She was nice enough; a middle aged, married woman who'd worked as a counselor her entire life. She was not particularly attractive, with greying ginger hair, sagging skin and rotting yellow teeth that flashed crudely when she smiled. I decided i didn't want to bother with her, so i treated her with contempt, refusing to talk properly with her at all. And with Mary, although she was angered easily, she could hold her nerve alot better than Alex ever could. Alex whimpered the moment i bared my teeth but Mary simply snapped back. She was harsh sometimes, telling me others have it alot worse than i do and that i was overreacting. And the moment she said, in the heat of me yelling down at her about her knowing nothing about me, "No wonder Alex couldn't handle you", that was the last straw. I'd planned to give up on her ages ago, but thought i'd try and play it out, maybe to see if she could work some magic on me. But no. She'd mentioned Alex, and hearing her say his name with bitterness on her tongue utterly enraged me.
"You..."I tried to spit out an insult but could manage none. I could feel a lump in my throat growing and tears welling; i had to get out. SO i left, without a second glance and vowed never to come back.

It had been three weeks since Alex and i had parted and i was as yearning as ever. I wanted to see him again and the more i thought of him, the more my written fantasies were not enough. I tried to write a reunion between us, but the fact that he'd left me made me explode. I'd scream and cry and tear up what i'd written, sometimes burning it. I'd also, in my frenzy, revert back to old ways and slit any part of my skin i could gain access too, letting the blood then drizzle down onto the pages and soak it until the words were no longer recognisable. That was a sign that my maddness had fully taken control of me now. Like when a drug-addict is refused their fix, driven mad with desperation. Alex was my potion that made all the thoughts go away. He stopped me self-harming, he relieved the depression because he occupied every part of my mind leaving nothing left. And like an addict, i had no access to my drug.

I knew i had his number on my phone all along, however. I pondered calling him every second of the day. But i was scared. I feared he'd have changed his number, or dreaded me contacting him. I didn't want him to hate me, but i knew i had to try just see if he'd just let me see him.
The night after i'd quit councelling with Mary, i called Alex on the number he'd messaged me previously with. I didn't know if it was his personal or work number, but i suppose either one would be fine. As long as i could hear his voice.
"Hello?" His erotic voice, speaking low and a little rough instantly aroused me, my breath catching and my blood boiling. He sounded sleepy, like he'd just woken up and checking the time, i realised it was one in the morning. I cursed myself, then in punishment slapped a recent wound i'd inflicted upon myself. How could i be so stupid? Ringing at this time...i didn't want to do any more to make him hate me. But it was too late now. He'd answered and i could do nothing but talk.
"Alex?" I whispered, feeling the arousal rise in my throat, making my speech puffy and out of breath.
"Who is this?" He asked. I began to cry then. How could he not recognise my voice? "It's me." I paused, biting my lip. "Jason."
Silence, then. I could hear him breathing on the other end of the phone and the pleasure of hearing him was only heightened by the tears.
"Are you crying?" He asked and i nodded as if he could see me. He sighed after another few minutes. "Why did you call me? And at this time?"
"I wanted to hear you." I murmured, yet the desperation obviously present. "And see you..."
Alex sighed again and i heard him shift. "I'm sorry that you feel this way...that i've made you feel this way. It's not that i don't like you, Jason, i really do. But i feel you should concentrate on recovering from what brought you to our counselling service in the first place. I am convinced how you feel for me is mere infactuation and soon enough you will forget about it and move on. Please do not contact me anymore."
"Wait!" I cried. "Do you have to be so cruel? I've given up councelling now, Alex. I don't need it. Not without you there. You helped me, you took away the saddness. Please, just let me see you once more. I promise i'll leave you alone after. Just let me see you." I was desperate now, pleading. My sobs were rolling out of me uncontrollably and i feared if Alex hung up on me now i truely would die. "Just once, Alex. Please. Meet me tomorrow, at the park. Twelve o'clock."
"Okay." He said. I rejoiced then, a smile breaking over my face. His weakness has returned and i had convinced him. I thanked him and the conversation ended.
The rest of the night i spent pacing my bedroom. I knew i wouldn't sleep a wink, but it was like most nights. My body has somehow learned to survive off of only a few hours of sleep now, for despite the lack, i was never normally tired.

As the morning sun rose i began writing how our reunion would plan out. I wrote, with fervent excitement, of the sensual kiss he would greet me with, how warm his touch would be after such a long time. How, when i saw him, i would be reminded of his loveliness and the smile he'd show would be as genuine and radiant as it was when it was first given to me. I would whisper his name and begin to apologise for my insolence but he would only hush me and tell me it's his fault that we parted the way we did. I wrote of how the sultry afternoon sun would set the scene perfectly when, because of the heat, everyone would have stayed at home, giving the park solely to us. We'd then walk around it, admiring the flowers, the trees, perhaps feed the ducks and sit for hours beside the river idly chatting the day away. And when the sky grew dark, Alex would take my hand and promise he would never leave me again, then hasten to take me back to his house, which i imagined to be clean and fresh, bearing the same fruity smell of his hair shampoo i once managed to catch a whiff of.

I hadn't realised the time flying by so quickly while writing and before i knew it, it was nearly time to meet up. I changed, washed my face, combed my messy black hair that after dying some time ago, was now showing the mousy brown roots. I scooped all of my papers i'd been writing on, littering the floor chaotically, into a drawer and proceeded to leave my house. I hadn't seen my parents in days; the only contact being a note they'd left on the fridge informing me they'd 'gone away' for a week. So with them gone, i had the house to myself.

I arrived at the park and much to my disappointment neither the weather nor atmosphere was as i'd imagined it. It was dreary and grey, rain lightly falling now and again to dampen further my already sweating forehead. I had run here, desperate not to be late, yet found myself fifteen minutes early. I'd forgotten a jacket, and although the rain was sparse my t-shirt had already soaked and stuck to my skin.
Sitting down on the bench i'd imagined Alex and i sitting on, i waited, trying to calm myself with deep breathes and attempting to convince myself it will work out okay; that there'd be no awkward tension between us; that today would end with us arranging another meeting.
"You don't look too good." I heard Alex's voice speak softly through the patter of rain and i raised my head to see him standing before me with a black umbrella over his head. I gave him a little smile and stood up, stepping underneath his umbrella.
"I'm" I said. And we then began to walk.
"Let's go somewhere inside. To that cafe over there." Alex pointed to a Starbucks just outside the gates of the park and we headed to it in silence.
Inside, the lighting was bright and the heating was on but i still found myself chilly, perhaps due to the rain drenching me. Alex ordered two coffees and we did not speak until they arrived.
"Jason..." He began, showing me that same wonderful expression of worry and sympathy. "Why did you quit counselling?"
"Because of you." I retorted. "Because you left. And because i hate Mary."
"Mary's better for you than i was. I apologise for all the trouble i've caused you." He smiled then, but it wasn't sincere, it wasn't genuine and i knew he believed it wasn't his fault at all. I chuckled a little after he said it, "At least i got that drink i asked for." Alex grimaced slightly then and i wanted to cry.
He scanned me up and down and suddenly focussed intently, with wide eyes on my arms and i remembered the cuts i'd created on them. Cuts that were deep and i knew would scar and they adorned my arm from my wrist all the way up to my shoulder, some hidden by the sleeve of my shirt. Alex bit his lip, suddenly looking like he wanted to cry himself. "Why did you do it? Why the hell do you do such things to yourself?" I looked down at my arms, the right one having far more cuts than the left, and noticed they had become tender and brighter red from the rain on them. They didn't hurt as much as they had days before, despite being far from healed, yet they still tingled a little when i touched them. " was for release. I don't know...from the depression or whatever crap i felt. But now..."I drifted off and looked up to meet Alex's contorted face. His brows were knotted in concern and he was chewing on his lower lip. A trait that i loved about him.
"Now because of me, i guess." I nodded at this and he turned his face away to watch some distant object out of the window. After some contemplation he spoke again. "I can't believe i ever thought i was cut out for this job. I spent three years training to be a counsellor, y'know. Three fucking years wasted because i can't even handle a kid suffering from depression." He shook his head, as if in despair. "I'm not a kid." i growled, furrowing my eyebrows. Does a kid act like i do? Does a kid self harm? Does a kid even know what maddness is?" I paused, relaxing and watched him glance back to me again. "I never came to you because of my depression, Alex. It was never about the depression. That was only a cover up so that i could be sure you'd take me on. In reality, or my mind, i'm insane. Whatever you wanna call me- mad, mentally ill, a nut-case. I don't even know what day of the week it is, i spend every night just pacing my bedroom floor, i couldn't give a shit about college, i've never had a single friend in what, six years and i spend my entire life writing about obsessions that take complete control over my mind and i can think of nothing else. I never realised seeking out help by coming to you...would only make it worse."
Alex took a sip of his coffee and sighed. "Someone needs to help you, Jason. Someone who knows exactly what they're doing, who is experienced in that field. Don't tell me about it because i just can't help you."
"But i want you too, though. Don't you see? You are what's been helping me the last few months or however long it's been! You've saved me!" I almost knocked my coffee over then, as i jolted my hand in the air.
"What are you asking me to do? There's nothing i can give you." I shook my head when he said this. "There is." I replied. "Just your presence is all the drugs i need to help me."
"Didn't you just say meeting me made it all worse?" Alex narrowed his eyes and took another sip of his coffee, while i still had not even touched mine. I took his response as an attempt to make the conversation a little more light-hearted and i chuckled.
"Life is full of contradictions." I said, giving him another smile.
"Don't speak bullshit." He spat, not acknowleding my smile. "What, do you just want me to live with you or something? Follow you around like a dog just so you don't feel suicidal?" His frustration seemed to be emanating from him now and it almost made me wince. I hadn't expected him to respond in such an angry way. But once again, that's only another example of me confusing my sweet dreams with reality.
"Seeing you once a week was enough." I breathed, lowering my voice almost to a whisper. I'd completely lost my confident, cocky persona i'd maintained when i first met Alex; falling now into a self-hating abyss where my maddness has completely abandoned me. I wanted to curl up in a ball and fade away, i really did. I couldn't bear Alex like this, angry at me, being so heartless...

"Go back to counselling, Jason. If you really do want my help, take my advice. That's all i can give." Alex took out his wallet then and put a five pound note on the table. Then, without saying another word he rose and left me. In shock i watched him as he went without a glance back in my direction, as he headed into the greyness of the streets, the rain now hammering down like little bullets and soon enough i could not see him.
It took some moments for me to acknowledge his departure and when i did it felt like my heart had stopped beating. I rested my head upon the table, dragging the five pound note he'd left up next to my face and breathed in it's smell, hoping to find some trace of Alex in it. Finding none, i sobbed. I thumped my fists onto the table and cursed through the tears. Was i so insignificant? Did he really not care at all? Could he not at least just pretend he loved me? Just once...couldn't he just kiss me and tell me it's all going to be okay.

After that, i didn't know what to do with myself. I wandered aimlessly; around the town, the park, sitting for hours on end on the bench i'd met Alex at, talking out loud to Alex as if he was there. And i imagined the patter of the rain on the ground to be his response, trying to form words out of the different sounds and patterns, and then every footstep walking past pretending it was him, changing his mind.
It was dark before i stirred from the bench again and that was only because the park warden touched me lightly on the shoulder, causing me to jump, telling me the park was closed now and i had to go home. Without saying anything, i nodded and went on my way, almost floating back to the house and finding myself curled up in my cold bed the next time i came to my senses.
I waited, lifelessly until morning and decided i'd message Alex again. Only an apology, however. Nothing more. "I'm sorry for everything." I typed, and curled back up in my bed again to fade away the day. But it was some hours later that i heard my phone ring and noticing it was Alex i almost died of happiness.
"Alex!" I cried, jumping out of bed and trying to get changed awkwardly with one arm free, in hope he was asking to meet up again.
"Look, Jason. I don't have much time to talk. I'm just calling to tell you i've booked you an appointment with a private counsellor. One who seems to be able to deal with your kind of problem and i really hope you'll give him a chance. The session is next Monday at ten o'clock. If you want, i'll accompany you there." His voice was calm and soft and it instantly hypnotised me.
"As long as you'll accompany me there, i'll go." I said. I didn't care about the session, really. I only agreed to it so that Alex would be there. And when i heard his promise, that he'll meet me beforehand, it seemed nothing was ever amiss. Like my fantasies where Alex promised me everything would be okay; it felt like that right now. I smiled and it was sorted. I'd meet Alex before the appointment and i looked forward to it more than anything. I almost screamed in excitement, for it seemed the gruesome day before had never happened and Alex had forgotten everything.


A/N: I'm in the process ofwriting the next chapter so please stay tuned.Thanks for reading. :)

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