All I Have Left...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is for Emma Richard's contest. I chose picture number four. I hope you all enjoy!

Submitted: August 11, 2012

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Submitted: August 11, 2012

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He is my life.  He is absolutely everything to me.  He is the only thing I have left. The smile on his tiny face is what keeps me going sometimes... even though he reminds me so much of his mother.  He gets me through those days when I think I can’t go on anymore. He is the last thing I have of her.  We got married almost a year ago and ever since then she had wanted a baby.  She would constantly talk about it and shop at those expensive stores that only sell miniature outfits and tiny shoes.  She would beg me and beg me until finally I gave in.  We moved into a three bedroom house and started the construction on the small nursery that was going to be down the hall from our bedroom.  She forced me to handcraft a tiny pink crib, because she was sure it was a girl.  i tried to tell her it could be a boy, but she wouldn’t listen.  7 months ago, on this day, my wife went into labor.  I'm not going to lie, it was scary for me.  i had no idea whatsoever what to do in this kind of situation.  She almost seemed happy in between the constant screams to drive faster. I drove her to the hospital and let the nurses prepare her for surgery.  I saw her walk into the room in her long hospital dress and cloth booties covering her tennis shoes.  Everything seemed perfect.  I couldn’t help but think about our life and the family we were about to start.  I sat there for what seemed like an eternity and flipped aimlessly through sports magazines and flu shot pamphlets. I rocked my feet back and forth, paced, and even started playing apps on my phone.  I remember the doctor coming out and telling me her surgery was being delayed so they could take a closer look at her liver, which was failing as we spoke.  He apologized and started to explain. The doctor said he didn’t know what caused it or how long she had to live.  I hit me like a bullet.  This couldn’t be happening to me.  I remember hearing what he was saying but I also remember her face.  I remembered our wedding day and that split second where I dropped to my knee and pulled out that ring I couldn’t afford.  I remember her laugh as she told me nothing could go wrong today.  Her laugh.  I could close my eyes and picture her tipping her head back and laughing with all she had.  When it hit me that I would never see that again, I lept out of the chair and told him he had to do something.  He can’t just let her go.  “Her body is shutting down... with the baby inside her and the condition of her liver... her heart is giving out” he said.  I sank to my knees on the cold, tile floor of that hospital.  “Let me see her” I said.  He led me down endless hallways of doors and scattered iv plugs lining the walls.  He opened the door to room 114.  I tried to hold back my tears as I walked into that room and saw her lying there.  I walked to the side of the bed and grabbed her hand.  She looked at me and smiled and then told me that no matter what happened to her, that I was to keep this baby safe.  She asked me to promise her.  I nodded my head and kissed her forehead.  It seemed like the moments stood still as I watched her struggle to even breathe.  Remembering my promise, I stood up and walked over to the doctor and asked him if the baby would survive.  The doctor sighed and told me that if he removed the baby, it would take the very last ounce of life out her.  I looked at her drained and almost lifeless face and realized i had no choice.  I nodded.  I leaned down one last time and placed a final kiss on her lips and told her that no matter what happened... our baby would always be safe.  She looked into my eyes and smiled at me one last time.  That smile that made me fall in love.  The smile that  loved, and now the smile I would never see again.  I looked at the doctor and he nodded.  I walked out and closed the door. I didn’t look back.  I couldn’t.  Almost seconds after I walked out, I heard her machine start to beep loudly.  I heard the doctor yell and I saw nurses come from down the halls almost running.  I wanted to turn around.  I wanted to go in there and change my mind.  I couldn’t though.  I couldn’t get the look on her face as she asked me to keep that promise out of my head.  I gritted my teeth and continued to walk down the hall.  It felt like my feet were glued to the floor but I found a chair along the hall and fell into it.  It seemed like forever. It seemed like everything stood still.  Almost thirty minutes later I heard the thudding footsteps of someone coming down the hall.  I looked up into the eyes of a nurse holding a small blue bundle.  My fingers trembled as I reached out to hold him.  I wanted to push him away.  He is the reason I lost her.  I took a deep breath and then let it out again.  His eyes were still closed and he was screaming and waving his tiny fists in the air.  I hugged him to my chest and started to rock him back and forth against me.  He continued to cry and flail.  I stroked his head and started to hum and he stopped crying.  He slowly opened his eyes and a tear rolled down my cheek as I stared into the soft blue eyes I used to know so well.


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