Dear Brandon..

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter from a lover.
She has one last thing to say.
and He had no idea.

Submitted: December 16, 2010

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Submitted: December 16, 2010

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A A A


I love you so much. I wish I could even begin to explain it to you. I wish I could put it into words. I wish that, even if I could put it into words, I could tell you. You say you don’t let people in, and you say that you’re worth nothing. But you mean everything to me. And I know you want someone you can trust. That late October night, when you played me that song, haunted by radical face, and you held me so tightly in your arms for the first time, I knew that you wanted to let me in. I’m scared to death, Brandon. I’m attracted to you in deepest way I know. God, I have so much I have to say. I wish I could give you absolutely everything. I wish I could take away all of this pain and weight you have resting so heavily on your shoulders. You know I would take it in a heartbeat. And you think you’re a psychopath.. Do you have any idea of how much that scares me? I think it scares me more than you. My heart is resting in your hands, which is one of the most cliché things someone could say but theirs no other choice of words. I never, in my life, thought I would be here, especially with you. You’ve always been Austin’s big brother. The mysterious big brother everyone would pretend to be best friends with, but no one really knows him. You’re a senior, im a freshman. Why would you be spending your Friday nights at my house? Just laying here with me. The best part is, we don’t need to talk. We don’t need to do anything. We just lie here, and we hold each other until someone eventually pulls one of us away. But I know you don’t want to leave. You know I don’t want you to leave. To be in the arms of someone you love, is possibly the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced. I wish you could see what I see. You obsess over what you look like… as much as I did. And that’s an extremely dangerous amount. You want to be the strongest guy around. I think its because your scared. You’ve got this subconscious feeling that if you’re strong on the outside that you’ll be twice as strong on the inside. But your piling it up. All of that pain. Your just piling it up because you just cant let it go. You cant just tell me everything that’s hurting you. You drop people. And you know that I cant handle being dropped by you. Im holding on to any little sign or glimpse of hope that you wont let me go. You told my mom the other night that you care for me as much as your disorder lets you. That, even though it’s horribly tragic, means everything to me. It keeps me going all day. I will never forget that day that you came over and we got in that pillow fight. I fell on you and then it all got.. quiet. We layed there a couple of seconds, as if trying to feel out how we felt about being so physically close and then for the first time you said “I love you”. And I said I love you too. You and I are allot alike. And one thing we have in common is that we don’t say I love you unless you mean it. We meant it. And I’ll never forget the dozens of late night phone calls. I used to have bad dreams almost every night. You’d stay on the phone with me till 5 am some nights. And just fall asleep on the phone with me. We never said it, but we both know that we were pretending the other was laying next to us. We’d talk about everything and nothing. We could be stupid together and we could be serious. Talking to you meant everything. There’s no one I’d rather talk to. To this day, you call me almost every night. And I never wake up in the morning without a good night text from you from the night before. Its great to know that I’m the one you’re thinking of at the end of the day. Everyone knows that what we have is rare. This wasn’t planned, obviously. I mean, I always thought you were ridiculously hot but I never thought I would fall in love with you. Ever. My mom saw us that night you stayed over. She saw how tightly you were holding me. like, you weren’t ever going to let anything get to me. you weren’t going to let me get hurt. I wish you’d know that nothing could physically hurt as bad as the damage you could potentially cause. And you didn’t let go all night. All through out that night you’d plant little kisses on my forehead and nose. It was almost like you were reminding me that you were still there. You’d play with my hair and you’d trace the outline of my jaw with your fingers. You thought I was asleep, but I definatley wasn’t. I was paying attention to every little thing that you did. A few weekends later you came over again. It was three am and we were laying in silence on my bed holding each other, both with our arms around the others waist. Our noses were touching and both of our eyes were half closed. I sat there for about ten minutes trying to pep talk myself into having the nerve to kiss you. I’d slowly inch my lips closer to yours but would never go all the way. I think you knew the whole time, but you were just getting a kick out of my shakiness. Finally, I went in for it. You met me half way. The second our lips touched, so much went through my head. It was the most over whelming feeling in the world. Its like one of those feelings that you’d get after you just won American idol or something. Like, even after the amount of pain it took you to get to where you were, it meant nothing because you were so happy to be there now. It’s a moment I wouldn’t trade for anything. We kept kissing while your wrapped your arms even tighter around me. Your hands never wandered anywhere from my waist and shoulders. Not one time, in all of those nights that you’ve slept over. That’s not what this was about. After we pulled away, I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot. I’m even smiling now writing this. God, do you see what you’ve done to me? If I could have anything in the world, It’d be you. I wish I could give you everything. I really wish that I could, Brandon. Please don’t do anything stupid because its going to hurt me as much, if not more, as it’ll hurt you. I’m praying to God that you don’t forget about me. I don’t see how I can ever love anyone as much as I love you. Its pathetic that im even writing this, but what do I do? I just can’t keep all these memories bottled up. I don’t want to forget one thing. I also remember that night that the cops came to my house after the whole thing with Daniel. I was scared to death he was going to go to jail so I texted you. Within ten minutes I had gotten two missed calls from you. When I called you back, you asked me what happened and you reassured me that if you had your car that you’d be on your way over and that we’d go to the store to buy a ton of cookies and chocolate milk. This is why I love you.

But I’ll never forget the night we really figured out that we had something. You took me to buffalo wild wings with you to meet some friends. Now, your friends are the most, dare I say, “popular” kids in sugar land. It didn’t even bother you that you were taking me, a freshman, as your date. You and I ended up talking the whole time anyway. They weren’t even involved. We left but I told you I didn’t want to go home yet so we went to the mall and walked around for like an hour. We got kicked out of the furniture store for laying on the beds and im pretty sure we ate all the samples in the food court. Oh yeah and for some reason you wanted me to take you to Sephora. Loser.(: then we went to the costume store so you could pick me out what I should be for Halloween. On our way back to my house, I put on the song “hear you me” by jimmy eat world. We both said, “this is my favorite song” at the same time… no joke. We listened to the song in silence with the windows down, driving down 59. Then we went to the park. We climbed on top of the monkey bars and talked a little bit. But then you started tickling me cause you know how ticklish I am. Not cool, man. But your just as ticklish, so I got you back later anyway. We went home and watched TV a bit. You put a pillow down on my lap and laid down. You stayed as long as you could even though you knew you were going to get grounded. It was worth it to you, you said. I’ve gotten you grounded too many times. When you were leaving we hugged for like five minutes. I didn’t want to let go. It wasn’t very hard to tell.

You’re a danger zone. I continue to be warned and warned. I don’t ignore, I just chose allow myself to get hurt. I wish I knew what was going to happen. But, that’s just part of this whole mixed up deal. So for now, I’ll just accept the fact that I love you, no matter what happens or doesn’t happen. Please stay safe. Even if im not in your life, I still want you to be happy. I still want you to be happy, even if I can’t do that for you. Yours truly, Bridget Brook Anders


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