Saying Goodbye - My Story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
My Story, on my miscarriage, it isn't as easy as you think.

Submitted: November 29, 2016

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Submitted: November 29, 2016

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Saying Goodbye – My Story.

 

I should have 12 weeks left now. I look at a bed where a cot should have stood, I look at a book case where a little white wardrobe should be, I look at my window sill at a money box that says wishes and dreams, thinking the day it was purchased was the day we found out our wishes and our dreams came true.

I look in the mirror and see emptiness, I see sadness, I see a person who wants to disappear, I see a person who smiles but behind closed doors her eyes are always red.

Thoughts turn back to my first day back at work following my miscarriage, how my manager made me work with the two pregnant people on the ward, one of which was 2 weeks in front of my pregnancy, speaking about her maternity leave in front of me. How fucking dare she! How fucking cruel to do this to someone, how FUKING DARE YOU!

(This was the truing point for me, I handed my notice in 2 weeks later, and I have never regretted it since)

“times a healer” and the famous line: “its best it happened now than later on” – (REALLY FUKING IS, IS IT?), “least you know you can get pregnant”, (really fucking helps to know that right now), “but think about if you had gone all the way it could have been born with Brian injury, (yeah, why don’t you stop and think if I had gone all the way and had beautiful, HEALTHY child at the end of it.)

I’m the one in 4, why me? Why us? ……………….. Just why?

Oh, I understand, my child was never seen by your eyes, it was only seen by me, the heart that was beating was only 7weeks and 6 days old. it’s not a tragedy, “it” barley lived so pick yourself up, dust yourself off, pretend it’s wonderful holding your friends new born baby, it’s wonderful news finding your sister is pregnant with a 4 week difference, that a cousin is having a little girl, that friends are 12 weeks gone.

……………….. And not one person has stopped to consider that while in their happiness and joy, I’m that one in 4, that all the emotions they felt I felt but the difference? ……. They got to live out there happiness their dreams their wishes… xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

…….. me? I’m left with a hole of emptiness and darkness, a light that just won’t turn on. I’m the one, were the ones having to face every day with a smile, to insensitive bastards that are friends, friends who talk to other friends about labour and babies in front of you knowing that your baby has been dead a week and still dead inside you, friends who keep reminding you of a message you sent a week after losing your baby that was a cry for help, asking why they have not been in touch, friends who blatantly just think that my 7 week and 6 day old baby is not important enough to care.

People who have never had a miscarriage, have no comprehension of the hate, the hurt, the sorrow, the loneliness, the jealously, the fact I have to smile when all I want to do is cry at your happiness. I’m not happy for you, my heart was ripped out, BUT…. My baby was only 7weeks and 6 days old it doesn’t warrant you to give shit does it?

And Blink…………………… Back in the room,

I can hear school children playing, laughing and joking, I look in the mirror and I see a person with red eyes staring back to me.

And breath…………………..

I smirk at myself, for months I have said why me? why us? But I’m realising why not me? why not us?

I’ve been thinking lately maybe it’s us because we do have a marriage and a relationship that the people would love to have, a husband that through all the shit he has felt also,  holds me tight and say it’s going to be ok, the only person in this world I believe. The optimistic, the carer, the one who’s not giving up on faith.

Even though the miscarriage has took it toll on me mentally, it’s took its toll on me physically. The person I see in the mirror, her appearance has changed and not for the better. The emotional eating and drinking are now showing its effects, but yet my husband does not see it and if he does he’s far too much of a gentleman to tell me, he just tells me he loves me.

……………………… yes I am lucky I have a wonderful husband, what hurts though;  my husband the person who will make a better father than I a mother and I’m not able to bare his child. This thought always creeps into the back of mind, what if he can never be a father? Oh that fucking thought just kills me inside.

My thoughts turn back to my friends and family……………. Now I’m feeling guilty, now the wrinkles in my eyes are showing as I cringe to the thoughts and feelings I have.

And then I think, the people I feel pissed off with, my jealousy at their happiness it’s ridiculous. These friends I think these demand thoughts about ARE friends, least they were there, at least they didn’t and still don’t ignore my pain.

yes I’m jealous of the gifts you have, yes I hate the fact you just don’t understand as you have never lost a child, yes I cringe and feel angry that you think “its” existent doesn’t warrant me to grieve.

But nor would I want you to, I never want my friends and family to feel what I’m feeling. I would never want them to feel the physical pain of having your insides ripped from out of you because my god a natural miscarriage painful, and I hope one day I can compare it birth yes there it is I said it. – As I said until you have a natural miscarriage, do not assume anything, because you have no understanding what so ever!!!!!!!!!!

I look at my feet in guilt, my friends, Im Lucky, I’ve been shown my true friends, the ones who haven’t ignored me through their happiness, still showed their compassion, friends and ex work colleges sending me their love, their experiences, where other “friends AND family” chose to ignore it, ignore me, not even mention it. You think it helps? ............ It doesn’t, but it’s your loss, because I’m a fabulous, caring human I know I am and the day you need me… Well let’s say I’ll send a nice txt, a smile, even my advice but that’s where it will end, you lost the inner me, the juice part of juicy (my nick name to most)

So now…………………………………………

In the months since, the endless trying of trying to conceive a baby to fill the void that has been left, that I know I’m losing all hope, all faith that my dreams and wishes won’t come true.

But then I think have I really lost all hope, all my faith?

I continue to buy ovulation tests every month, so I must have faith? I still buy at least 3 pregnancy tests each month so I must still carry hope? Yes, hope and faith.

I’m lucky that god chose me to be that one in 4, because I know now I’m strong and even when my world has ended I still stand tall with my husband by my side and say we got through hell and back.

A bit of us is missing and will never be replaced, but I have gained so much.

I smile in the mirror, because it’s only now I’ve realised my blessings though all this.

My marriage is stronger than ever and I really do have husband that a lot of women dream for and he’s all mine. I really do have true, loyal friends that give a shit, and even in my dark days to come I know they will be there 100%, I’ve realised how strong a person I am, when I thought I was being weak I know now, I wasn’t I was grieving.  I’ve been to hell and back and I’m still standing I’m proud of this.

………………….. I’m grieving

…………………………………. I’m grieving

……………………………………………………. I’M GRIEVING!

 

I don’t mean the angry thoughts, I don’t mean to feel so jealous of your happiness,

 

………………………. I’m just saying goodbye.

 

Me, Lucy married to Paul,

2 Pregnancies

No children

No pets

One house

One car

One van

Miscarried on our 2nd wedding anniversary – 02/08/2016

We are that one in 4 who lost our child at 7weeks and 6 days,  

I’m not going to give up on my hope

I’m never going to give up on my dreams

I just need to fix me first,

But firstly ………………….. I need to say goodbye to our bump in the sky.

We love you xxxxxxxxxxxx 


© Copyright 2020 Lucy K. All rights reserved.

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