Alice and Mallorie: The Fool

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Alice posts an ad on Craigslist for somebody to come to Alicia's mansion and be a medieval fool, with disastrous results.

Alice Hamanaka, Alicia Hamanaka, Mallorie, Blaze, and Ryan Hamanaka sit on the large black couch staring at the one hundred inch flatscreen TV that floats above the ground by the use of an antigravity TV stand. Their feet rest on the red carpet.

 

Alice wears black combat boots, black leggings, and a black wifebeater type tank top. Sticking out of the right side of her right boot is the black handle of a silver double barreled derringer pistol. She wears two black-corded necklaces, the longer of which has a purple flame pendant, and the shorter one has a silver pentagram pendant. She wears a black ring on every finger and thumb. Her nails are painted white. Her inhumanly beautiful face is covered in tattooed-on makeup. Her eyes, black with white irises, are surrounded by black eyeliner and purple eyeshadow. She wears purple lipstick. Her hair is a white, heavily layered, medium length ponytail that sways to the right with short bangs, which also sway to her right. The sides of her hair in front of her ears end just after her jawline. Behind her swishes a four foot long, white, pointed tail. Her skin is a pale cream color. She stands at five foot five. She's a thousand and fifty two years old, but is physically eighteen. In her left hand is her guardless katana in its black sheath. It has a purple blade, and a purple hilt. Wrapped around the hilt is black cloth, in traditional katana style.

 

Alice's daughter Alicia wears black Ugg boots, black skinny jeans with a studded belt through them, and a stylishly ripped black t-shirt. Around her neck is a large silver choker chain with a black music note pendant, an eighth note, on it. Her eyes are purple and surrounded by black eyeliner. Her nails are painted black. Through her white, medium length, heavily layered blow dry style hair she wears a black bandana, rolled up to look like a hair band, the ends of the tied off bandana sticking out from behind her neck. She has short bangs. Her skin is a pale cream color. She's a thousand and twenty one years old but is physically seventeen. She stands at five foot four. Hanging from a shoulder strap on her shoulder is a black and purple electric guitar.

 

Mallorie wears purple Ugg boots, white leggings, and a black spaghetti strap tank top. Around her neck is a black choker necklace with a silver pentagram pendant on it. Two black cords come out of both sides of the pendant and wrap around her neck. She wears a single black ring on her right pointer finger. Her nails are painted purple. Her eyes are purple. Her makeup is done exactly like Alice's. She wears a pair of thick black sideways-oval shaped glasses with clear crystal lenses. Her hair is a heavily layered white pixie cut with short bangs. The layers of her hair stick out cutely. Her skin is a pale cream color. She's thirty two years old but is physically twelve. She stands at four foot eleven. In her left hand is her own katana, the Sword of Lightning. The hilt is black with purple lightning bolt designs on either side of it. The guard is a black lightning bolt shaped piece of metal.

 

Blaze wears a complete purple suit of armor, minus the helmet. Her eyes are purple. Her hair is purple flames that hang down to her waist. She has short bangs. Her skin is a pale cream color. She's ten thousand three hundred and seven years old, but is physically twenty three. She stands at five foot seven. Gripped in her hand is her sword, the Sword of Flames. It is a purple cavalry sword that has a blade covered in purple flames.

 

Alice's son Ryan wears black socks, black jeans, and a white wifebeater type tank top. His eyes are white with white irises. The borders of his irises are thick and black. He has medium length white hair. His skin is a pale cream color. He's eighteen years old. He stands at five foot nine.

 

“You know what we need around here?” Alice randomly says. “Someone to entertain us! Somebody funny!”

 

“Like a fool?” Blaze asks. She's from the year 1025, so kingdoms and things like that are always on her mind. Alice laughs, smiles, and points a finger with a white polished nail at Blaze.

 

“EXACTLY like a fool, Blaze! You know, I'll just put out an ad on fuckin' Craigslist for a fool!” she thinks out loud. Alicia looks at Alice and narrows her eyes.

 

“Nobody's going to let us call them a fool, Alice! It's degrading! And who's going to pay the fool? Because I definitely won't!” she says with a bit of a tone, not willing to pay any money for one of her mother's ridiculous ideas. Alice laughs.

 

“Don't you narrow your eyes at me, pretty girl!” she coos at her daughter. “I'll pay the fool! I'll pay them five hundred grand a year! And if somebody's getting paid that kind of money, they'll sure as shit let us call them a fool!”

 

“WHAT!” Alicia shrieks in surprise. “That's almost twice what I pay Pendleton! If he hears about this, he's going to want a raise!” Pendleton is the butler.

 

“Then let's make sure he doesn't find out how much the fool is getting paid!” Alice says with a laugh. With a wave of her hand, she opens up a small black portal in front of her. One of her pocket dimensions. She reaches her hand inside, and pulls out a Macbook Air. She closes the portal. She logs onto the laptop and goes onto Craigslist. She begins typing out the ad. Here's what she types:

 

Fool/Entertainer- $500,000 a year (New York City)

 

We need somebody to entertain us. Somebody really funny.

 

We require you to wear a jester costume with bells on it. If you don't have a jester costume and can't afford one, we'll provide one for you.

 

Preferably, be able to play the lute and sing songs. You know, like a minstrel. Like with the jester costume, if you don't have a lute and can't afford one, we'll buy one for you. Then you can watch videos on youtube about how to play it or some shit.

 

Know how to juggle all kinds of random shit. Like if I throw you a bunch of bananas, be able to juggle them.

 

Be able to tell all kinds of jokes.

 

Work hours will be Monday through Friday, two pm to ten pm.

 

If you want, I'd be happy to pay you in cash every day at the end of your shift.

 

Since your salary is $500,000 a year, you'd be making $240 an hour. That would be $1,920 a day.

 

And one of the people you'll be entertaining is THE Alicia Hamanaka.

 

Text me if interested.

 

She passes the laptop to Alicia, who reads the ad.

 

“Is all that stuff really necessary, Alice?” she asks, not getting where the jester costume and the lute are coming from.

 

“Abso-fucking-lutely! They're not a fool if they don't wear a jester costume with bells on it! And they gotta sing us funny songs with a lute, because everybody knows the lute is the funniest instrument!” Alice replies, sure of herself.

 

“I thought the vuvuzela was the funniest instrument?” Mallorie chimes in.

 

“You're absolutely right, Mals! The lute is the funniest STRINGED instrument,” Alice corrects herself with a laugh. “Vuvuzelas are pretty fucking funny though!” She quickly opens two black portals in the air with a wave of each of her hands, and slips each of her hands inside both of the portals. She pulls out a large green vuvuzela from one portal and a very loud looking megaphone from the other. With a wave of her hand, she levitates the vuvuzela in front of her lips. She cranks the megaphone to maximum volume and levitates that in front of the vuvuzela with another wave of her hand. She presses her lips to the vuvuzela.

 

TOOOOOOOOT!

 

The combined vuvuzela and megaphone make a horrendously loud sound, so loud that every window in Alicia's house simultaneously shatters from the utter volume of it. Everybody in the room, including Alice, covers their ears.

 

Alice laughs as she throws the megaphone and vuvuzela back in her pocket dimension. Alicia stands up out of her seat in rage, and points at one of the broken windows.

 

“LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO MY GODDAMN WINDOWS!” she shouts at Alice. Alice gently elbows Mallorie.

 

“When Alicia gets REALLY pissed, she talks just like me!” she informs Mallorie with a giggle. Mallorie giggles. Alice begins laughing, hard. “Calm your shit, sailor! I didn't know it was going to be THAT loud!” she says with a laugh to Alicia.

 

“You're paying for all those windows, Alice! I am SICK AND TIRED of your stupid pocket dimensions! You're always pulling out something random and destructive from them! You've pulled out cannons, oversized party poppers, all kinds of fireworks, live animals, and who knows what else from them!” Alicia angrily rants. Alice smiles, and with a wave of her hand, replaces all the windows with indestructible white crystals growing from the window frames. The new windows are white, but are still somewhat transparent.

 

“Calm the fuck down! Look! Now your windows are indestructible so I actually made them better! And if we had a fool around, I wouldn't have to do stupid shit like that to entertain myself!” Alice explains, still laughing.

 

Pendleton, quickly walks into the room. He wears shiny black shoes, a black tuxedo with a black bowtie, and white gloves. He has a gray pencil style mustache, and gray hair that's bald on the top. He's sixty three years old. He stands at six feet tall.

 

“MISS ALICIA!” he begins, shouting for seemingly no reason. “IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT? I HEARD A HORRIBLY LOUD SOUND! IT WAS SO LOUD I CAN HARDLY HEAR NOW!” Alicia angrily points at Pendleton and looks at Alice.

 

“LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO PENDLETON! Your actions have consequences, Alice!” she shouts. Alice continues to laugh and turns to Pendleton.

 

“I'm sorry, Pendleton! I didn't mean to fuck up your hearing!” she apologizes.

 

“WHAT WAS THAT, MISS ALICE? I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING!” the butler replies, a hand cupped around his right ear. Alice opens up a small black portal with a wave of her hand and shoves her hand inside.

 

“WHAT ARE YOU PULLING OUT NOW?!” Alicia shouts, pulling at her own hair in frustration. Alice pulls her hand out of the pocket dimension, clutching the same megaphone she used with the vuvuzela. Alicia cringes.

 

“Not that thing again, Alice!” she says, exasperated. Alice lifts the megaphone to her mouth and turns to Pendleton.

 

“I SAID, I'M SORRY, PENDLETON! I DIDN'T MEAN TO FUCK UP YOUR HEARING!” she shouts into the megaphone with a smile. Pendleton smiles.

 

“IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, MISS ALICE!” Pendleton shouts back as he turns around and walks away, probably to go clean something.

 

Alicia looks at Alice, folds her arms, and sighs loudly.

 

“If we get this fool... do you promise to stop doing reckless things like the thing you just did with the vuvuzela and the megaphone?” she asks her. Alice smiles.

 

“I'll promise to try! And if we have a fool around, I won't have to do stupid shit to keep myself amused!” she replies. Alicia sighs.

 

“Fine! We can get a fool. Post the ad on Craigslist. Just make sure you don't invite any weirdos over here!” she permits reluctantly. Alice pumps her fist through the air in victory.

 

“FUCK YEAH! We're getting a fool!” she cheers. She quickly turns to her laptop and posts the Craigslist ad.

 

Two days later, somebody rings the doorbell.

 

Flicker.

 

Before Pendleton can get the door, Alice Reaper Steps to the front door, instantaneously appearing there, putting on her sword and situating it on her left hip. She opens up the large, silver front door to see a human man standing on the porch. He wears brown gym shoes, baggy blue jeans, a blue t-shirt, and a white hoodie. On his face he wears a pair of glasses. His blonde hair is spiked. His eyes are blue. His skin is tan and he stands at five foot eleven. He smiles at Alice and waves.

 

“Hi, I'm James. We talked on the phone a bit. I'm here to apply as an entertainer,” he says in a friendly tone. Alice gives him a lazy wave as a greeting, and looks him up and down. She frowns, narrowing her eyes.

 

“Where's your jester costume?” she asked him. He laughs.

 

“I'm not going to be wearing a jester costume! I'm not a fool, I'm a stand-up comedian!” he replies.

 

“We're looking for a fool! The jester costume is your uniform if you're gonna be our fool! It's fucking mandatory!” Alice argues, very disappointed that James won't be wearing a jester costume. She opens up a small black portal in midair, slides her hand inside it, and pulls out a red and green jester costume with bells on it. The bells ring as she holds it out to James.

 

“I'm not wearing that thing! It's humiliating!” he replies. “And I'm not a fool!”

 

“Alice, please, let's just give him a chance!” Mallorie chimes in, appearing next to the door. Alice turns to Mallorie.

 

“But Mals! He won't wear the jester costume! I doubt he even knows how to play the lute or juggle! And he doesn't even call himself a fool! What the fuck is up with that?” she quickly replies, throwing the jester costume back into her pocket dimension.

 

“EVERYONE deserves a chance!” Mallorie argues, starting to pout. Alice facepalms.

 

“FINE! Come on in and give it your best shot,” she gives in with a shrug, waving James inside.

 

She sits down on the black couch, and beckons James to walk to the front of the room, in front of the TV. Mallorie quickly sits next to her, eager to hear James's routine.

 

“How are we doing tonight, everybody?” James asks his audience with a smile. Alice lazily flashes him a thumbs up, still a bit frustrated that he won't wear the jester costume.

 

“Amazing!” Mallorie replies in excitement.

 

“On my way over here,” James begins as he walks around the room, “I ran into a Chinese couple with a baby! I asked them what their baby's name was, and they said it was Chang! I asked them why they chose the name Chang, and they told me they just threw a spoon down the stairs, saw what noise it made, and named the baby after that!” Alice surprisingly giggles.

 

“It's funny because it's racist!” she comments to Mallorie. Mallorie giggles back. After seeing that he made Alice laugh, James is a little less nervous. Alice turns to James. “What else do you got?”

 

“What's a Mexican's favorite sport?” he asks.

 

“The high jump?” Alice guesses. James shakes his head.

 

“Cross country!” he reveals. Alice and Mallorie giggle.

 

“I'm starting to overlook the whole you not wearing a jester costume thing,” Alice admits. “Go on!”

 

“What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?” James asks. Alice and Mallorie shrug.

 

“A boy scout actually comes home from camp!” he says. Alice laughs.

 

“That's so fucking offensive! That's why it's funny!” she admits. Mallorie pouts at Alice. “What's with you?” Alice asks her, noticing she didn't laugh.

 

“His jokes are starting to get really horrible!” she whispers to Alice. “Joking about someone's race is one thing, but joking about the Holocaust is too much!”

 

“You really think so?” Alice whispers back, not realizing Mallorie was so sensitive about things like that. Mallorie nods. Alice narrows her eyes and turns to James. “How much material do you have? Like, do you have decades and decades worth of material? Because if you become our foo- Uh, entertainer, we'll want to keep you around until you either die of old age or get so old and sick and decrepit that you can't be our entertainer anymore!” James's eyes go wide in surprise, and his mouth opens in disbelief.

 

“It's that kind of contract? I'd be your entertainer for the rest of my life?” he stammers. Alice laughs.

 

“Fuck no! You could leave any time you wanted, there is no contract! I'm just saying that if we like you, we're gonna wanna keep you around for years and years and years. Like, the butler around here, Pendleton, has been Alicia's butler for like forty years! Almost his whole life!” Alice explains. James shakes his head nervously.

 

“I honestly only have a couple weeks worth of material,” he sadly says.

 

Flicker.

 

Alice disappears from where she's sitting, and reappears standing next to James with a Reaper Step. She opens up a small black portal in midair with a wave of her hand, and shoves her hand inside. She pulls out ten one thousand dollar bills and holds them out to James.

 

“You're not what we're looking for... But here's some money for your troubles!” she says with a smile. James, in complete shock, takes the money, counting it. He speechlessly walks out the front door and closes it behind him.

 

“Whatever!” Alice says to Mallorie with a shrug. “He wouldn't fucking wear the jester costume anyway!” Mallorie nods in agreement.

 

They don't get another reply to the ad until two weeks later.

 

The doorbell rings.

 

Flicker.

 

Alice quickly Reaper Steps to the door before Pendleton can answer it. She hears the ringing of bells on the other side of the door. With an ecstatic smile, she whips the silver door wide open to see a boy who looked no older than eighteen doing a handstand on the porch. He's wearing a black and purple jester costume that looks absolutely ridiculous. It has spikes of cloth around the collar, and at each point of the spikes is a ringing bell. His traditional jester hat has a bell on each of the three points. His shoes are purple and pointy, like a jester's. The bottom of his shirt is spikes of cloth, with a bell at each point. He has a very nerdy, acne-ridden face and wears large black glasses. Strapped to his chest is a lute.

 

“HOLY FUCK! You're actually wearing a jester costume!” Alice giggles with excitement, clapping her hands in amusement. The boy quickly flips onto his feet.

 

“HO-HO!” he comically laughs in a stereotypical nerd voice as he stands up. “My name is Eugene, and I'm your fool!” Alice bites her lip.

 

“Eugene isn't a very good name for a fool... How about I call you Archibald?” she says with a giggle. Eugene jumps up and down.

 

“Archibald the fool at your service, m'lady!” he says with a medieval bow.

 

“Come in, come in!” Alice excitedly waves him inside. He stands in front of the TV, being stared at by Mallorie, Alicia, Blaze, and Ryan, who are all sitting on the couch. Blaze laughs and claps her hands in amusement as she sees him.

 

Flicker.

 

Alice disappears from the door and reappears sitting on the couch next to Mallorie.

 

“Do what you do!” Alice commands Archibald with a thumbs up and a smile. Archibald suddenly stares at Alicia with his eyes very wide. He runs over to her.

 

“A-A-A-ALICIA HAMANAKA! Can you sign my lute? I'm your biggest fan!” he begs her, holding out his lute to her. Alicia's eyes go wide in surprise, and she smiles.

 

“I'm sorry, I don't have anything to sign it with!” she says with a shrug. Alice, with a smile, opens a small black portal with a wave of her hand and digs her hand inside. She pulls out a Sharpie marker and tosses it at Alicia. Alicia catches the marker and scribbles her signature onto Archibald's lute. He smiles extremely big, staring back and forth between his newly signed lute and Alicia in absolute awe.

 

“I'm never washing my lute ever again!” he creepily says. Alicia raises her eyebrows and frowns in uncomfortableness.

 

“Enough talking! Let's see what you got, Archibald!” Alice commands. Archibald quickly walks to the front of the room. He begins doing cartwheels around the room with a spastically happy look on his face, the bells on his costume wildly jingling. Everybody in the room laughs.

 

He then stands in place and starts doing a wild and crazy dance, lifting his knees one at a time up to his chin while waving his arms around.

 

After that, he does a one handed handstand, flailing his legs and free arm around wildly.

 

“Can you juggle?” Alice eagerly asks him.

 

“HO-HO!” he laughs as he flips back onto his feet. He nods. Alice quickly opens up one of her pocket dimensions and shoves her hand inside, pulling out a garden gnome. She tosses it at him, and he catches it. As she tosses him two more gnomes, he begins juggling as he catches them. Alice smiles in amusement. With a wave of her hand, she opens a small black portal above Archibald so that when he throws the gnomes into the air, they fly through the portal. With another wave of her hand, she closes the portal when the gnomes are all inside.

 

“Alrighty, let's hear you play that fucking lute!” she eagerly commands. Archibald quickly clutches his lute, playing it as he begins to sing.

 

“There once was a man from Tokyo,

 

And you could never guess what he would do!

He would strip off his pants, sit in the bathtub,

 

And cover himself in glue!” he sings.

 

“Not bad, not bad!” Alice compliments. “Sing another one!”

 

“There once was a man from Omaha,

 

and take a guess at what he does!

He sticks his head inside beehives

 

And at the top of his lungs, yells BUZZ!” he sings, masterfully playing the lute. Everyone in the room laughs or at least smiles.

 

“Guys, I think we found our fool!” Alice says in excitement. Mallorie excitedly nods in agreement, smiling. “Archibald, how about you stick around for the rest of the day until ten o'clock? Today will be your first day!”

 

“Sure!” Archibald agrees.

 

So for a few more hours, Archibald entertains everybody. But before long, everybody but Alicia goes to their bedrooms to do whatever. Alice instructs Archibald to entertain everybody in the house, but to switch and entertain someone else every half hour, giving everybody a few turns with him.

 

Two hours after Alice's turn, she waits for Archibald to come back to her. He's twenty minutes late.

 

Flicker.

 

Alice instantaneously appears inside Mallorie's room with a Reaper Step. Mallorie jumps at Alice's sudden presence.

 

“Can't you knock?” she asks Alice, slightly irritated that Alice just appeared in her room unannounced. Alice laughs.

 

“Shit! Sorry! But this is urgent. Have you seen Archibald? He's twenty fucking minutes late for my turn!” she complains to Mallorie.

 

“What? I thought he was still with you, Alice! I didn't even get my turn yet!” Mallorie realizes out loud. Alice narrows her eyes, realizing something strange is going on.

 

So Alice and Mallorie wander around the house, asking everybody if they've seen Archibald. As it turns out, Blaze and Ryan haven't gotten their turns with Archibald either. Alicia, having been watching TV downstairs the entire time, never got her turn with Archibald as well. Pendleton has no clue who Archibald even is.

 

“What the fuck!” Alice swears in irritation. “Did he just up and leave?”

 

“I hope not! He was really funny!” Mallorie replies with a pout, disappointed that Archibald might have left.

 

Alice and Mallorie search all the rooms in the house looking for him.

 

Finally, they walk up to the black door of Alicia's room. It's very slightly open and ajar, which is strange because Alicia ALWAYS closes the door of her room, whether she's in there or not.

 

BAM.

 

Alice roughly slams the door open with a powerful front kick.

 

Standing in front of Alicia's black dresser is Archibald, who nearly jumps out of his skin at the sound of the door being kicked open. He very quickly and nervously slams one of Alicia's dresser drawers closed and stuffs something down his costume, turning around to face Alice and Mallorie.

 

“I was-I was just looking for Alicia! It's her turn!” he quickly says, his voice shaking in anxiety. Alice sees a large lump of something in Archibald's pants. He's hiding something in his costume. Without hesitation, Alice pulls her double barreled derringer pistol from her right boot and points it at Archibald, an angry look on her face. Archibald, with a terrified look on his face, puts his hands up.

 

BANG.

 

Alice fires the derringer into the floor, inches away from Archibald's leg. He spastically jumps in fright and yelps. She points the pistol at him again.

 

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” she demands hotly.

 

“I-I-I told you! I was looking for Alicia! It's her turn!” he lies again.

 

“ALICE!” Alicia shouts, running up to them. “If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: DON'T SHOOT YOUR GUNS IN THE HOUSE!”

 

“Stop bitching, I'll fix the hole it made later! Archibald was in your room by your dresser!” Alice angrily reveals. “When I kicked the door open, he slammed the fucking dresser closed!” Alicia furrows her brow and has a very uncomfortable look on her face.

 

“Is this true?” Alicia asks him, trying to retain her composure.

 

“No! I was in here, looking for you, because it was your turn with me!” Archibald lies again.

 

BANG.

 

Alice fires the derringer again, the bullet whizzing by his head. He ducks and flinches.

 

“Enough of your fucking lies! Empty your pockets, now!” she demands. Archibald smiles in apparent victory.

 

“The joke's on you because that thing only has two shots!” he says, pointing at the empty derringer. “What are you going to do?”

 

Alice quickly uses her Reaper powers to form two more bullets of Reaper energy inside the chambers of the derringer.

 

BANG.

 

She shoots the floor right in front of Archibald, who jumps backwards in spastic fright and surprise and puts his back against the white wall, shaking. Alice points her derringer right at his head.

 

“Empty out your fucking pockets before I blow your fucking head off!” she mercilessly demands.

 

“M-M-M-My costume doesn't have any pockets!” he stutters, turning so his side is facing Alice and lifting up his shirt slightly, revealing that his costume really does have no pockets. “See?”

 

“Then strip!” Alice commands. Archibald shakes his head back and forth.

 

“But-” he begins to object.

 

BANG.

 

Alice fires the derringer again, another bullet whizzing inches away from Archibald's head. He cowers in fright.

 

“I said STRIP!” she orders. Archibald, very reluctantly, takes off his lute. He takes off his jester hat, and places it on the red carpet. He strips off the black and purple, ringing jester costume shirt and places it on the floor, revealing a very large and intricate tattoo of Alicia on his chest. Alicia cringes in disgust as she sees the tattoo. Alice's mouth drops open in shock. He kicks off his purple jester shoes, and finally slips off his pants. He stands in nothing but his white socks and his tighty whities, which are soaking wet. Alice has scared Archibald so badly that he peed himself.

 

“See! I didn't take anything!” he quickly says, his voice shaking with nervousness and embarrassment. He tries to stand on his pants, hiding them from view.

 

Alice, keeping her derringer pointed at Archibald, levitates his pants into the air with a wave of her left hand. Telekinetically, she flips the pants upside down and out pops six pairs of panties that she levitates in the air as well. They're all in a bikini style. One pair has black and white stripes. Another is black with white stars all over it. The third pair is all black. The fourth pair is all white. The fifth pair is black with white polka dots on it. The final pair is purple.

 

“Those-those are my panties!” Alicia exclaims, a look of utter disgust on her face, covering her mouth with both hands. “I threw that pair out months ago!” she remembers, pointing at the black panties with white polka dots on them.

 

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blow your fucking brains out!” Alice demands, her finger on the trigger of her derringer.

 

“WAIT!” Archibald shouts out. “You've gotta-you've gotta hear me out!”

 

“ALICE! You can't kill him in here, his blood will stain the walls!” Alicia cries. “If you're going to kill him, do it outside!”

 

“FINE!” Alice replies to Archibald. “I'm only letting you talk because I'm curious what the hell your excuse for all this shit is.”

 

“I'm Alicia's biggest fan EVER! When I first saw one of her music videos, I fell in love with her! I've never been in love before. I got this tattoo of her after I went to my first concert of hers,” he explains, pointing at the tattoo of Alicia on his chest. “I was so in love with her, I bought a pair of her panties on eBay for twelve thousand dollars. And the second I got them, I was addicted to them. I carried them with me always. But I was planning on getting even more here! That way, I could have more than one piece of Alicia with me always! When I saw the ad on Craigslist to be a fool for Alicia, I trained myself in the ways of the fool for two weeks, just so I could meet her and be around her!” Alice narrows her eyes.

 

“I'm feeling merciful... because you were a good fool and you made us all laugh. So I'm giving you ONE fucking chance to walk out of this house and NEVER come back! If I catch you coming within a hundred feet of this house ever again, I'll kill you without hesitation and won't feel bad about it at all! And if I hear ANYTHING about you harassing Alicia at any of her concerts, I will hunt you the fuck down and kill you as slowly and painfully as I possibly can!” Alice angrily says.

 

“Okay, okay... I'll go...” Archibald says sadly. He picks up his lute, then leans down again to pick up his jester costume.

 

“LEAVE the fucking jester costume! It's mine now!” Alice says sharply.

 

“But...then I'll have to walk home in my underwear!” Archibald objects.

 

“Do I give a damn? NO! It's either go the fuck home in your underwear, or have a bullet through your fucking skull. Your choice!” Alice mercilessly says. Archibald sighs and begins to walk out of Alicia's room. Alice quickly picks up his jester costume and throws it inside one of her pocket dimensions. She follows Archibald down the stairs with the barrel of her derringer pistol digging into his back. As he walks out the front door, Alice quite literally kicks him out. She watches him through the window to make sure he leaves. After he walks away, Alice holsters her derringer back in her right boot and sighs.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” she curses in frustration to Mallorie and Alicia. “He was such a good fool! Why in the fuck did he have to be some creepy stalker weirdo?”

 

“You're taking that Craigslist ad for the fool down, Alice! I told you not to invite any weirdos here! I FEEL SO VIOLATED!” Alicia shouts, cringing.

 

“But don't you want me to be entertained so I don't do random and stupid shit to amuse myself?” Alice asks her, confused about what her daughter wants.

 

“To be honest, I'd rather you destroy part of my house once in awhile than to have to go through that again!” Alicia admits, running a hand through her own hair. Alice smiles a little bit.

 

With a wave of her hand, she opens up one of her pocket dimensions and reaches her hand inside. She pulls out her laptop and deletes the Craigslist ad.

 

“Satisfied?” she asks Alicia, showing her the confirmation of the deleted ad.

 

“I don't think I'm going to be satisfied for awhile, Alice.... I'm really surprised you didn't kill him. Knowing he's still out there and that he could come back at any time... Ugh,” Alicia admits. “To be honest I kind of wish you killed him.”

 

“Don't worry, if he actually comes back, THEN I'll kill him!” Alice says with a reassuring smile. “I just wanted to avoid killing him because he was a really fucking good fool. He was funny, until he was taking your panties and shit. If he wasn't so funny I would have killed him without hesitation. But he kinda earned the right to live by being so hilarious. And to be honest, I don't think he'll have the cajones to come back here! Didn't you see how scared he was? He pissed himself!” Alicia smiles a little bit in relief.

 

“You're right, I'm worrying about nothing. As long as you're around, he can't get to me!” she says in relief. She wraps her arms around Alice's neck in a hug. Alice hugs her back. Alicia suddenly looks Alice in the eyes as she hugs her. “Wait... why did you take his jester costume?” Alice laughs.

 

“Because it's a really fucking good jester costume! It's better than the one I have in my pocket dimension! And I dunno, I might wear it if I get REALLY wasted or something!” Alice giggles. “And you never know when you might need an extra jester costume. I'd rather have another one and not need it than need it and not have one!” Alicia giggles at her mother's crazy ways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Submitted: November 13, 2014

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