I’m not sure how I got here…..well, maybe I am…..I mean, I guess I am…..oh, who the fuck knows…..what I do know is that it’s been a long time coming.
Since I was a teenager I knew that this was inevitable…..really, I did…..I felt it…..I felt that I never really quite belonged. I was the angel, the devil, the whore, the virgin, the sinner, the saint.….I was the cheerleader in combat boots…..I was the life of the party and the void in the corner…..I was quiet and shy and loud and obnoxious and sad and happy…..I was a fucking mess…..a Goddamn basket case…..an enigma of sorts (at least in my own mind). And there were so many times that I meant to do it….that I wanted to do it…..that I tried to do it…..but then something would come up….. a party or a date or a family function or my little brother or Beverly Hills 90210…..and so, I would put it off..…but I knew…..I always knew that the time would come once more…and I was ready.
But the days passed…..and those days turned into months and those months turned into years.….I grew older…..even though at times it sucked and getting out of bed was unbearable….I smoked a lot of Newports and I soldiered on…..I was never comfortable in my own skin…..so my skirts got shorter…..my pants got tighter…..my shirts showed a lot of cleavage.....and my world became one big blur of bars, alcohol, drugs and men. And then my life changed and it got in the way.….I became a mother…..I fell in love…..I became a wife…..I got a job…..I became a real adult…..but, still I knew…..I knew that one day it would be time.
So I continued to laugh and to love and to watch my family grow…..and I continued to cry and scream and watch my family suffer…..never quite knowing what to make of it all or when the other shoe would drop…..
And then it dropped…..and I knew…..I knew it was time…
So here I am…..staring at myself in the bathroom mirror…..wondering what the world will be like without me.….will they be better off? I’m sure they will..…I mean, of course they will…..I’m nobody.….nobody important, really…..well, I mean I am kind of somebody…..I’m a daughter, a mother, a wife…..but other than that, I’m nobody…..I mean at least to me I’m nobody.
So the time has come…..I’ll just take a deep breath…..and open my veins…..and all the years of pain will come pouring out.….and I’ll be free…..right? I mean, that’s the plan…..but I’m pretty sure it’s going to leave a big fucking mess…..
Ugh…..someone is knocking at the door…..I can’t even get a moment of peace to kill myself…..it’s my daughter..…she’s 7 and she wants me to read her a story.....but maybe this isn’t a such a good idea anyway, suicide, I mean…..not reading her a story…..
So here I am…..holding my little girl in my arms and here is my son, almost 16, sitting down next to us. I guess he wants to hear a story, too.Look at my husband cooking dinner…..wow, he really is handsome.I love them all so much...and they love me and I’m somebody to them…..and that’s all that matters, right?
And so I go on.....but I guess I will keep that noose in my closet…..ya know, just in case……
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Essay / Flash Fiction
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