So maybe I am just an ordinary kid. I mean so what i think im going crazy... Maybe I'm not. Maybe just maybe my therapist is right. "It's all in your head." "you need to let it go." "your not gay." "Your not." "It's impossible." "People arent born this way." I mean... she's the one with all the schooling and stuff. How am i supposed to know what i feel, i'm not trained to... I dont have my PHD in some really long word.... or a fancy title or certificate. So maybe I'm not... I want to believe i am... I've dont remember ever likeing a girl... but i mean, my first boyfriend was when i was three.. they thought it was a phase. i don't know though. Maybe it is... But i love him... I do... He's so kind.... and gentle.... sweet even. he pleases me like noone else has.... even against myself. so maybe i am gay... but if i actually am.. how do i tell my parents... i mean, its not like i can just say "mom... dad... im gay" what would they think...? surely theyd hate me forever.. They wont ever talk to me again... Theyll kick me out.. or maybe even beat me. I don't like getting beaten. I remeber when i was a child how my mom used to beat me... there was even a time when she stabbed me with a knife... she did take me to the hospital.. but she told them i was running with it... and fell... I was to young to know it was a lie....i remember right before she did it too... The look in her eyes went from crazy in raged... to tender and sorry.. just for a second.. right after she did it... she was so cold... she died of cancer last year... so i just cant let down my dad and step mom... i can't.. for her... Anyway.. if i tell them now what will they think... Sigh... it's such a hard decision... the door to my closet.
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