In her mind, the memories were vague, clouded by nostalgia. She felt the wind around her hair and her face, her body sway at the edge of the cliff, exactly as on the day when she had wanted to die.
She could hear the waves rushing through the caves underneath, battering the rocks, but she could not see the ocean. It was dawn; mist swirled around her, lifted from the waters below. She could taste the salt in her breath; feel the dampness on her skin. She shivered and wondered why it was so dark. The sun should have already risen. Her body bent unexpectedly, taken by a sudden gust of wind. She nearly lost her balance. She thought she could hear the darkness, as if it possessed a voice that was calling her name, through the spell of the invisible ocean. In that instant, she felt it again: the same anguished pain in her thudding chest, the same anxiety, the same despair, the cutting loneliness, infiltrating her skin, leaving her numb and frozen. And yet, in the most hidden corner of her mind, she still hoped to be taken away from that hateful life. She sighed in pain and looked ahead of her, towards the horizon. Why couldn’t she see it? Why was it so dark? It was dawn and the sun should have already risen.
and I cried.
and I died.
And I wanted to kill it,
to run away
and abandon it,
to move it out of my way.
And desperate I stared
at the dark side of dawn
and no longer cared
if it would die or be born.
The words, she had once written, echoed again in her mind, renewing the feeling of repetition, revolving painfully inside her heart, making it bleed and ache, rushing the air out of her lungs. Yes,
she had been there before. Everything was the same, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the anguished pain, even the lingering, undying hope that life could change; except that there was no cliff.
The ocean was far away and she was not even outside. She stood in her house, at the top edge of the long staircase though she could not see it. And suddenly, as if in a nightmare, it began moving,
swaying from side to side, making her go dizzy. Two tears slid slowly down her cheeks and then the world went black.
© Copyright 2017 M G da Mota. All rights reserved.
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